Just to let you know!

I haven't fallen off the side of the earth, I have just been crazy busy. I go to school in the morning and don't get back to home till 10:30 at night. And that doens't inclue time for friends or studying. . . . lol. . . but it is all good. LOVES!!. . . . but I just wanted to let you all know that I am pretty sure that I am emotionaly retarded!! I can't do anything right and I am failing everywhere. . . . but yeah fun times. I am doing good. LOVES!!

The end Draws near

I leave in two days. I have tomarrow and most of friday in this house. That is just a crazy thought. I have so much I need to accomplish, and know that i wont. I couldn't fix all my families problems. That makes me really sad, and at the same time I realize that it was a selfish goal and one that unrealistic. It makes me sad because either 1. I am not as strong as I used to be or as good at fixing problems or 2. My family is falling even further apart then I thought that it had. Both would be bad in my view. It was selfish of me to try and fix there problems because if I had then they wouldn't have learned anything and I would have been happy because there was happy in my house. Is that really selfish. Because it would be for right reason. I wanted to help because it was for the happy that I also wanted, but deprived them of lessons that they need to learn for themselves. Then I also see that it is unrealistic to know that i can't and shouldn't have to bear the weight of a family in my younger years. I can't fix four peoples problems when I can bearly fix my own. My own come second to my family. Which is something I find harder and harder to do. I can't put myself in the background as easily anymore. I used to just fade out of my own mind. Become a stone to my own pain, let it build up and it would all be good. That is a good thing, I think. Not being able to put myself out of the picture in my own mind. I have to think about what i do and don't need. And well that feels sort of selfish in my mind also. Because shouldn't a good person give all of themselves? I think that in theory that is what should happen. . . but alot of the time that ISN'T what happens. I see myself holding back. Hummm. . .

My mom needs some help and I don't really know who to turn to. I need to help her the most. She has to have to something to focus on. She has always had to have that. It was me, it was church and now it is Brooke. I didn't use her, the church didn't either. Brooke will and does. She doesn't mean to, and does at the same time. Brooke hasn't learned some very hard lessons about other people and at the time she has. She is in a state that needs to grow up and so does my mom at the same time. My mom would bend over backwards till she breaks her back so that she can be a part of my sisters life. She did that same thing with me but I didn't put up to much of a fight because I didn't really care. But my sister will push my mom to her limits. And well that makes me angry and sad. Angry because I feel sort of hurt by my mom. She never really tried to be that close to me. That hurts but I forgive her because she doesn't see that. And it makes me sad because my mom doesn't see what she is doing to Brooke by just giving her everything she asks for and then some. She is going to make someone that expects that world to be given to her on a silver plater. I mean I did that. I never really saw the ugly that world could be. I mean I learned but for my sister it will be harder. I dont' know what I am trying to get at. My mom basically needs something to focus on because she is going to distroy herself and my sister.

I am also sort of hurt because my sister is becomeing reclusive around me. She has bonded with the other Brandon in the house. In some ways he is more of a brother then I am to her. But like, I don't know I really do feel like I am in part being replaced in my home. It sort of hurts. It is a strange hurt. Becuase I don't really feel bad about leaving and at the same time I do. I feel like I am more doing it out of spite then any thing. Which is bad. I want to fix it like everything else in this house. I need to get my life back to where it was, or atleast some semi balcance of it. Yet I am just sort of being drawn out of the picture. I feel like my family is more or less like well here was this key player, but he more or less died and now needs to get out of the story. . . . I know that is over dramatic, but it feels something like that. I just want the relationship again. And I am jelouse at Brandon because he is something that I can't be to the family. Because he isn't me. And I am not him. . . . we all bring something to the table I just wish that I don't get replaced. Which I know I wont in reality. . . .I just wish that this tempory shift would hurry and pass on its way. Ohh well. . . .two days to fix my problems here. . . . YEY go me. .. .

Turn a new leaf?

Something I realized today. I realized that I don't really like being in the Tri-cities at times. My friends have changed. Some have grown and some just feel like a hallow trunk or something. A shallow shadow of what was once a great mountain. A sad thought but I think that it is almost time for me to move on. A very sad thought. Either that or I have to talk to people. Which is what I am going to do. Because I still love them. I really do but at the same time I really want to distance myself from them. Sadly for two very different reasons. One I feel isn't trying and layed down the will to fight anymore, and the other because they willingly choose to walk a path that they are afraid of. Not to mention they also disrespect me. Which I guess is the hardest part of me to get over. I never really noticed it untill they started to cross the line. I don't have a voice while I am in the tri-cities. I just go with the flow and when I was in Seattle I was who I was and people listened to me. People do here but they don't really listen. I am more like the silly little moth at night. People see me and think that I am pretty when they sit back and take a good look. But most of the time they ignore the moth because it is just buzzing around the lamp. I am the moth, when all my friends are butterflies. But in seattle, the moth is something more then just a politly listened to creature, it is a part of the show. I don't know, I am just tired of being whipped because I love. I am tired and I want to be gone and run away like a classic Branden would do. . . . . .





Life = Shit right now




It will get better. . .I promise. . . .


I love how I have to convince myself of this. Ohh well, it will happen because I say so and you have to make your own happyness I guess. WOOT WOOT damnit!!!

Bonsi twisting.

I really want to right something. It is on the tip of my tonuge like always. A thought that doesn't quite want to come out. I swear if my thoughts had to be put into a physical form, they would be fruit. You have to wait till the right time to pick them. If you don't pick them at the right time they fall away and then seed for new thoughts. Or adversly, if you pick them too soon, they don't taste good and don't really make sense. That is actually a very good annlogy I think. You have to do the right about of thinking and pondering to beable to make sense of somethings.

So what shall I talk about instead. I think I will talk about annoying people. Not other people that I think are annoying. But like what I am doing, and how I can become annoying. Because I realized that I am not a very nice person, and I gossip way to much. I also put people down that I don't even know. That isn't a very good quality. I noticed that, when I see even the smallest imperfection in someone I have a tendancy to think about it or even mention it. Sometimes I don't really know why I don't like someone and then I analyze everything I can about them. I don't like that i do that. . . it isn't nice. I need to stop that habit and think nice of people. I guess that I really am starting to become jaded. I feared that I would like everyone actually hoped and said that I would. Maybe it is because I am finally starting to see that yeah, there is a lot on me. . . .and I don't want to bear that responibility. . . . but knowing that I have to.

So I guess I should just get stuff off my chest. I am really stressed out about my parents. I need a job and need money like crazy. I hate to ask my parents for money. They don't see where it goes and don't trust me when I say that I am being frugal with it. My mom gave me 1000 about a month befor school ended. 900 of that was to go to rent and people that helped with it because I wasn't in on the original deal. That left me with 100 for food for a month. Because my dining acount ran out. I can't quite do that so I told me mom to put money on my account so that I could eat. Right . . . my mom isn't the most swift with that sort of stuff. She was being lathagic and she was sick so I can't blame her to much. I would have asked my dad. . . . but my mom is the one that controls my account. So I couldn't ask him. Well so a month goes by and I end up paying one of my friends 300 so I am down to 700 but int he month of being at school with no dining accont I have 500 left and tell my friends that I will pay them back later. Thinking that I will make money this summer. Nope . . . couldn't get a job. Not for the life of me. Yet in the begining of summer my mom makes me go out and get things for her. With the money she gave me. . . . and the random small things that I have done. Like a movie here or there. I think a total of three. I haven't even gone out to diner or anything. I spent money on a gym membership and that was 150 or so added up. But that added to the wireless router that I had to get my mom which was 150 also. . . .yeah. .. . . .it all goes really fast. Yet they get mad at me for spending money!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. .. . .Yet I have been stupid with my money . . . . . . I have really tired to get a job so that I can pay for the dept that I have piled up. I own money to tia for the ticket . . . and I wish that I hadn't gone sort of because it really did cause a bunch of things to snowball. . . My parents are giving me the talk of your friends are going to drop you the second they figure out that you are nothing more then a deadbeat that just takes and takes. .. . they really said that. They are also starting to compare me to my cousin Danieal. He is the one that still lives at home, doens't have a daploma, no job, takes, takes, drinks, and smokes pot all day. They are actually compareing my to him. Ouch. .. but I guess I can't really say anything bad about him because of what i said before. . . .and then there is the worst part. I am actually messing with my moms credit. I basically have shit for credit now because I have over drafted 3 times this year, and the bank finally closed my account with them so now I have to pay them 34.92 which my parents wont give me. So I am sort of up the creek without a paddel. And now people want me to go to silverwood with the no money that I already don't have. . .and I am working for it from my dad. . . . but I might just use that money instead to get myself set on the right path once again. All I really need is to have my accont and my money to deal with. Not rely on people over 200 miles away for my money, that really isn't mine and that I feel EXTREAMLY guilty for asking for money. When it is mine I know exactly what I can't and can do with it. . . . AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. . . stress stress stress.

To top it all off . . everyone is leaving. . . . I feel guilty because I learned things about myself that I didn't want to. .. but needed to know but still wish that I didnt' have to find out. I am learning a bunch of hard lessons right now and I don't like it. and I think I am starting to annoy people with my trying to be happy and put on a happy face instead of just putting it all down. I feel like I am the wooden self I am, but like forces that I can't control are wrapping iron wire around me and molding me to how they want me to be. I dont' get a choice in the mater about how I want to grow. .. . . AHHHHHHHHHHHH. . . . but you know what it is all good. I will figure things out in the end. . ..because we all know that I will. I am Branden after all. I can take anything on and get out on the otherside. . . . however how bowed I might be this time I am not to sure.

Almost a month past!

So hello, I guess I should update people on what is maybe going on in my life. Because it has taken a few turns. Some for the better . . . . well actually all for the better I would think.

So lets see. . .I left off telling you all that I had a boyfriend. Well I don't have one now. We almost made it two months, but we didn't. We just didn't mesh very well. It is all good. He beleives that people dont' really have a purpose more then to just live, I think everyone is here for a reason. Then he thinks that I was clingy, and that only because I got furstrated that he didn't text me for four days. He had a good reason but a nice hello would have been nice. He got really angry, and well he broke it off. So whatever. I was sort of hurt over it because we did have a good time together but you know what, I am over it. I learned tons of stuff, about who I am and what I am looking for in another person. Yup yup, good times.

Also I just got back from my first concert two days ago. It was great and I feel really close to who I was and who I am supposed to be. I guess that I was I get for spending time with my best friends for a long time. Man I missed me, no joke. I feel really good because i am finally like recharged or something. Like my spirit was losing power, and it just needed a bit of power from love to be recharged. I just abbsolutly feel like me. . . . . . I love that feeling. I really do!! The concert was really good. Saw a lot of things that I was able to resist with my friends. It was great. I think we can finally be on the right track again. Yes I do. . . . .

I am so out of the habit of writing that it is really hard for me to write right now. .. I am going to go doodle. I need to figure some designs out. I am goign to get a tatoo. . . I can't wait. . . not at all.

LOVES BABE!! I can't wait for you to get home. I know it is close. I will totally be tackling you when you get home so brace yourself!!

Waiting. . .

Well it has finally happened. . .I am home. I am finally home and not stressed at all. I am calm and happy for more reasons then just purely the fact that I am home. It is a strange feeling. I feel like something is better, and at the same time I know exactuly what it is and why I shouldn't be feeling like this. . .well sort of . . I don't know exactly what I am trying to say. So I am home but I wish horribly that I was still in Seattle. I miss my friends there really badly. . . and there are so much drama here. My family is knots and twists with the valdez family because of little stuff that has just built up. Everyone wants to talk and no one listens over here. So that is all I have been doing. Listening to pent up emotion from all parties. I am okay with that. I feel like I am finally giving them an outlet. . . I don't know . . . I am just glad that I can help because I can feel the lines smoothing slowly. Like they don't really know how to keep themselves in check. . .like I haven't been doing it so it isn't nearly as good as it was. . .I don't know I am not really sure though. It will all be good by the end of summer. I can feel that for sure. I feel like everything really will actually work its self out.

You know I have been telling myself things like, it is all good, no worries, if it happens it happens, wait, good things will happen in time. . . things like that, for a very long time. I have told myself things like that for a very long time. Yet when I was about to give up hope. . . look at what happens. I finally get pulled in the direction I was heading the whole time. I was just losing sight of it. What I am talking about is that my life, my heart are finally being taken care of in a way that I didn't think possible. . . I have a boyfriend and that sort of chokes me up saying it, or even thinking it. I have a really beautiful and amazing boyfriend. His name is Jon and he is in all the same situations as I was. I really do believe in fate and distany now. There were so many times that we almost met. Our friends over lab, and our events that we went to . . . everything just was off. I don't know it was odd. . . I can count many times where we almost met. . . Yet here we are. . boyfriends now. Starting summer and our relationship away from eachother. We had a week togeather and now three months apart. I think this is how it is ment to happen. I don't know I just see it all now in a better way. I feel stronger. I love all the love that you guys give me, but it can't be something like a lover's love. I see the difference. I know I more then likely sound silly and young right now but in all perposes. . .I really am. Here I am 19 years old and with my first boyfriend. I don't know . . . hummm. . . yeah. . . interesting feeling. I feel like my heart would burst the cage I put it into right now. I locked it way away because I didn't want it to be hurt. I didn't know how very buried my heart really was. I am seeing it now and I am sorry that i haven't been the real me. I just needed a boost and now I have it. ..and hopefully I will have it for awhile. . . but sadly I am already starting to brase myself for the fall. I guess it is just habit. It is bound to happen. I can't fly this high for this long. It has only been a week of bliss and I am already expecting the worst. . . I don't know I feel like I can't keep the attention of someone for very long romantically. I wish I could. . . humm. . .yeah . . .but I think he is going to be AMAZING or me. . . to know that fianlly someone wants to invest themselves into me in the same way I want to invest myself into them. . . humm. . yeah just a strange feeling. A good one. . .but strange. You know the amazing part though. He has never had a boyfriend, I was his first kiss even. . . I don't know he really is . . .just as young as I am in all senses. So I feel like we are going to grow a lot togeather. And that is something that I feel like I will never forget. I feel that even if this never worked out in the long run that we can teach eachother something important. . . I hope we can atleast. Yeah. . well I am going to go to bed more then likely with the butterflies in my tummy. . . yeah. . . just a good feeling. . .you are right Kim. . I feel more wood then I have ever before. I didn't know what you ment before. I had an idea but even other people are noticing the difference in me. . . it is a good feeling. Like he is all I really needed. . . Yeah. . . hummm. . .but you know what. . .butterflies were not at the start. . .they had to grow. . that is why I think that this might work. There is TONS of room for growth in us and we see that. . . yeah no sure though. Anyway LOVES babes!! . . woot woot. . .

For once I can say good things really do come to those who chose to wait. . .

Realiaztion

I don't want to go home because I am going to miss all the people here. I reallyhave become good friends with some of them. Nothing like the ones at home, but at home I am comfortable and there are people there that I will always be friends with NO MATTER what happens in the long run. But I also feel that home isn't really home anymore it is just a house and a place to stay while I see my friends and family for a long time. I don't know I am just sort of in a inbetween state right now. I am also going on a date tonight. Not like anything can come out of it beause really I can't let anything come out of it. Not this close to summer atleast. But i can set some ground work for next year. I don't know I just . . .blah. .and my dad wants me to go with him to the dunes not a day after I get back from college. He says that is going to be my one trip this summer. . so I am like OMG really? I don't want to go straight from a truck to a moterhome with my dad and not get to see my sister for a few days more!! GERRR. . oh well I will figure things out. . I always do!! Yup yup!!