Just to let you know!

I haven't fallen off the side of the earth, I have just been crazy busy. I go to school in the morning and don't get back to home till 10:30 at night. And that doens't inclue time for friends or studying. . . . lol. . . but it is all good. LOVES!!. . . . but I just wanted to let you all know that I am pretty sure that I am emotionaly retarded!! I can't do anything right and I am failing everywhere. . . . but yeah fun times. I am doing good. LOVES!!

The end Draws near

I leave in two days. I have tomarrow and most of friday in this house. That is just a crazy thought. I have so much I need to accomplish, and know that i wont. I couldn't fix all my families problems. That makes me really sad, and at the same time I realize that it was a selfish goal and one that unrealistic. It makes me sad because either 1. I am not as strong as I used to be or as good at fixing problems or 2. My family is falling even further apart then I thought that it had. Both would be bad in my view. It was selfish of me to try and fix there problems because if I had then they wouldn't have learned anything and I would have been happy because there was happy in my house. Is that really selfish. Because it would be for right reason. I wanted to help because it was for the happy that I also wanted, but deprived them of lessons that they need to learn for themselves. Then I also see that it is unrealistic to know that i can't and shouldn't have to bear the weight of a family in my younger years. I can't fix four peoples problems when I can bearly fix my own. My own come second to my family. Which is something I find harder and harder to do. I can't put myself in the background as easily anymore. I used to just fade out of my own mind. Become a stone to my own pain, let it build up and it would all be good. That is a good thing, I think. Not being able to put myself out of the picture in my own mind. I have to think about what i do and don't need. And well that feels sort of selfish in my mind also. Because shouldn't a good person give all of themselves? I think that in theory that is what should happen. . . but alot of the time that ISN'T what happens. I see myself holding back. Hummm. . .

My mom needs some help and I don't really know who to turn to. I need to help her the most. She has to have to something to focus on. She has always had to have that. It was me, it was church and now it is Brooke. I didn't use her, the church didn't either. Brooke will and does. She doesn't mean to, and does at the same time. Brooke hasn't learned some very hard lessons about other people and at the time she has. She is in a state that needs to grow up and so does my mom at the same time. My mom would bend over backwards till she breaks her back so that she can be a part of my sisters life. She did that same thing with me but I didn't put up to much of a fight because I didn't really care. But my sister will push my mom to her limits. And well that makes me angry and sad. Angry because I feel sort of hurt by my mom. She never really tried to be that close to me. That hurts but I forgive her because she doesn't see that. And it makes me sad because my mom doesn't see what she is doing to Brooke by just giving her everything she asks for and then some. She is going to make someone that expects that world to be given to her on a silver plater. I mean I did that. I never really saw the ugly that world could be. I mean I learned but for my sister it will be harder. I dont' know what I am trying to get at. My mom basically needs something to focus on because she is going to distroy herself and my sister.

I am also sort of hurt because my sister is becomeing reclusive around me. She has bonded with the other Brandon in the house. In some ways he is more of a brother then I am to her. But like, I don't know I really do feel like I am in part being replaced in my home. It sort of hurts. It is a strange hurt. Becuase I don't really feel bad about leaving and at the same time I do. I feel like I am more doing it out of spite then any thing. Which is bad. I want to fix it like everything else in this house. I need to get my life back to where it was, or atleast some semi balcance of it. Yet I am just sort of being drawn out of the picture. I feel like my family is more or less like well here was this key player, but he more or less died and now needs to get out of the story. . . . I know that is over dramatic, but it feels something like that. I just want the relationship again. And I am jelouse at Brandon because he is something that I can't be to the family. Because he isn't me. And I am not him. . . . we all bring something to the table I just wish that I don't get replaced. Which I know I wont in reality. . . .I just wish that this tempory shift would hurry and pass on its way. Ohh well. . . .two days to fix my problems here. . . . YEY go me. .. .

Turn a new leaf?

Something I realized today. I realized that I don't really like being in the Tri-cities at times. My friends have changed. Some have grown and some just feel like a hallow trunk or something. A shallow shadow of what was once a great mountain. A sad thought but I think that it is almost time for me to move on. A very sad thought. Either that or I have to talk to people. Which is what I am going to do. Because I still love them. I really do but at the same time I really want to distance myself from them. Sadly for two very different reasons. One I feel isn't trying and layed down the will to fight anymore, and the other because they willingly choose to walk a path that they are afraid of. Not to mention they also disrespect me. Which I guess is the hardest part of me to get over. I never really noticed it untill they started to cross the line. I don't have a voice while I am in the tri-cities. I just go with the flow and when I was in Seattle I was who I was and people listened to me. People do here but they don't really listen. I am more like the silly little moth at night. People see me and think that I am pretty when they sit back and take a good look. But most of the time they ignore the moth because it is just buzzing around the lamp. I am the moth, when all my friends are butterflies. But in seattle, the moth is something more then just a politly listened to creature, it is a part of the show. I don't know, I am just tired of being whipped because I love. I am tired and I want to be gone and run away like a classic Branden would do. . . . . .





Life = Shit right now




It will get better. . .I promise. . . .


I love how I have to convince myself of this. Ohh well, it will happen because I say so and you have to make your own happyness I guess. WOOT WOOT damnit!!!

Bonsi twisting.

I really want to right something. It is on the tip of my tonuge like always. A thought that doesn't quite want to come out. I swear if my thoughts had to be put into a physical form, they would be fruit. You have to wait till the right time to pick them. If you don't pick them at the right time they fall away and then seed for new thoughts. Or adversly, if you pick them too soon, they don't taste good and don't really make sense. That is actually a very good annlogy I think. You have to do the right about of thinking and pondering to beable to make sense of somethings.

So what shall I talk about instead. I think I will talk about annoying people. Not other people that I think are annoying. But like what I am doing, and how I can become annoying. Because I realized that I am not a very nice person, and I gossip way to much. I also put people down that I don't even know. That isn't a very good quality. I noticed that, when I see even the smallest imperfection in someone I have a tendancy to think about it or even mention it. Sometimes I don't really know why I don't like someone and then I analyze everything I can about them. I don't like that i do that. . . it isn't nice. I need to stop that habit and think nice of people. I guess that I really am starting to become jaded. I feared that I would like everyone actually hoped and said that I would. Maybe it is because I am finally starting to see that yeah, there is a lot on me. . . .and I don't want to bear that responibility. . . . but knowing that I have to.

So I guess I should just get stuff off my chest. I am really stressed out about my parents. I need a job and need money like crazy. I hate to ask my parents for money. They don't see where it goes and don't trust me when I say that I am being frugal with it. My mom gave me 1000 about a month befor school ended. 900 of that was to go to rent and people that helped with it because I wasn't in on the original deal. That left me with 100 for food for a month. Because my dining acount ran out. I can't quite do that so I told me mom to put money on my account so that I could eat. Right . . . my mom isn't the most swift with that sort of stuff. She was being lathagic and she was sick so I can't blame her to much. I would have asked my dad. . . . but my mom is the one that controls my account. So I couldn't ask him. Well so a month goes by and I end up paying one of my friends 300 so I am down to 700 but int he month of being at school with no dining accont I have 500 left and tell my friends that I will pay them back later. Thinking that I will make money this summer. Nope . . . couldn't get a job. Not for the life of me. Yet in the begining of summer my mom makes me go out and get things for her. With the money she gave me. . . . and the random small things that I have done. Like a movie here or there. I think a total of three. I haven't even gone out to diner or anything. I spent money on a gym membership and that was 150 or so added up. But that added to the wireless router that I had to get my mom which was 150 also. . . .yeah. .. . . .it all goes really fast. Yet they get mad at me for spending money!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. .. . .Yet I have been stupid with my money . . . . . . I have really tired to get a job so that I can pay for the dept that I have piled up. I own money to tia for the ticket . . . and I wish that I hadn't gone sort of because it really did cause a bunch of things to snowball. . . My parents are giving me the talk of your friends are going to drop you the second they figure out that you are nothing more then a deadbeat that just takes and takes. .. . they really said that. They are also starting to compare me to my cousin Danieal. He is the one that still lives at home, doens't have a daploma, no job, takes, takes, drinks, and smokes pot all day. They are actually compareing my to him. Ouch. .. but I guess I can't really say anything bad about him because of what i said before. . . .and then there is the worst part. I am actually messing with my moms credit. I basically have shit for credit now because I have over drafted 3 times this year, and the bank finally closed my account with them so now I have to pay them 34.92 which my parents wont give me. So I am sort of up the creek without a paddel. And now people want me to go to silverwood with the no money that I already don't have. . .and I am working for it from my dad. . . . but I might just use that money instead to get myself set on the right path once again. All I really need is to have my accont and my money to deal with. Not rely on people over 200 miles away for my money, that really isn't mine and that I feel EXTREAMLY guilty for asking for money. When it is mine I know exactly what I can't and can do with it. . . . AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. . . stress stress stress.

To top it all off . . everyone is leaving. . . . I feel guilty because I learned things about myself that I didn't want to. .. but needed to know but still wish that I didnt' have to find out. I am learning a bunch of hard lessons right now and I don't like it. and I think I am starting to annoy people with my trying to be happy and put on a happy face instead of just putting it all down. I feel like I am the wooden self I am, but like forces that I can't control are wrapping iron wire around me and molding me to how they want me to be. I dont' get a choice in the mater about how I want to grow. .. . . AHHHHHHHHHHHH. . . . but you know what it is all good. I will figure things out in the end. . ..because we all know that I will. I am Branden after all. I can take anything on and get out on the otherside. . . . however how bowed I might be this time I am not to sure.

Almost a month past!

So hello, I guess I should update people on what is maybe going on in my life. Because it has taken a few turns. Some for the better . . . . well actually all for the better I would think.

So lets see. . .I left off telling you all that I had a boyfriend. Well I don't have one now. We almost made it two months, but we didn't. We just didn't mesh very well. It is all good. He beleives that people dont' really have a purpose more then to just live, I think everyone is here for a reason. Then he thinks that I was clingy, and that only because I got furstrated that he didn't text me for four days. He had a good reason but a nice hello would have been nice. He got really angry, and well he broke it off. So whatever. I was sort of hurt over it because we did have a good time together but you know what, I am over it. I learned tons of stuff, about who I am and what I am looking for in another person. Yup yup, good times.

Also I just got back from my first concert two days ago. It was great and I feel really close to who I was and who I am supposed to be. I guess that I was I get for spending time with my best friends for a long time. Man I missed me, no joke. I feel really good because i am finally like recharged or something. Like my spirit was losing power, and it just needed a bit of power from love to be recharged. I just abbsolutly feel like me. . . . . . I love that feeling. I really do!! The concert was really good. Saw a lot of things that I was able to resist with my friends. It was great. I think we can finally be on the right track again. Yes I do. . . . .

I am so out of the habit of writing that it is really hard for me to write right now. .. I am going to go doodle. I need to figure some designs out. I am goign to get a tatoo. . . I can't wait. . . not at all.

LOVES BABE!! I can't wait for you to get home. I know it is close. I will totally be tackling you when you get home so brace yourself!!

Waiting. . .

Well it has finally happened. . .I am home. I am finally home and not stressed at all. I am calm and happy for more reasons then just purely the fact that I am home. It is a strange feeling. I feel like something is better, and at the same time I know exactuly what it is and why I shouldn't be feeling like this. . .well sort of . . I don't know exactly what I am trying to say. So I am home but I wish horribly that I was still in Seattle. I miss my friends there really badly. . . and there are so much drama here. My family is knots and twists with the valdez family because of little stuff that has just built up. Everyone wants to talk and no one listens over here. So that is all I have been doing. Listening to pent up emotion from all parties. I am okay with that. I feel like I am finally giving them an outlet. . . I don't know . . . I am just glad that I can help because I can feel the lines smoothing slowly. Like they don't really know how to keep themselves in check. . .like I haven't been doing it so it isn't nearly as good as it was. . .I don't know I am not really sure though. It will all be good by the end of summer. I can feel that for sure. I feel like everything really will actually work its self out.

You know I have been telling myself things like, it is all good, no worries, if it happens it happens, wait, good things will happen in time. . . things like that, for a very long time. I have told myself things like that for a very long time. Yet when I was about to give up hope. . . look at what happens. I finally get pulled in the direction I was heading the whole time. I was just losing sight of it. What I am talking about is that my life, my heart are finally being taken care of in a way that I didn't think possible. . . I have a boyfriend and that sort of chokes me up saying it, or even thinking it. I have a really beautiful and amazing boyfriend. His name is Jon and he is in all the same situations as I was. I really do believe in fate and distany now. There were so many times that we almost met. Our friends over lab, and our events that we went to . . . everything just was off. I don't know it was odd. . . I can count many times where we almost met. . . Yet here we are. . boyfriends now. Starting summer and our relationship away from eachother. We had a week togeather and now three months apart. I think this is how it is ment to happen. I don't know I just see it all now in a better way. I feel stronger. I love all the love that you guys give me, but it can't be something like a lover's love. I see the difference. I know I more then likely sound silly and young right now but in all perposes. . .I really am. Here I am 19 years old and with my first boyfriend. I don't know . . . hummm. . . yeah. . . interesting feeling. I feel like my heart would burst the cage I put it into right now. I locked it way away because I didn't want it to be hurt. I didn't know how very buried my heart really was. I am seeing it now and I am sorry that i haven't been the real me. I just needed a boost and now I have it. ..and hopefully I will have it for awhile. . . but sadly I am already starting to brase myself for the fall. I guess it is just habit. It is bound to happen. I can't fly this high for this long. It has only been a week of bliss and I am already expecting the worst. . . I don't know I feel like I can't keep the attention of someone for very long romantically. I wish I could. . . humm. . .yeah . . .but I think he is going to be AMAZING or me. . . to know that fianlly someone wants to invest themselves into me in the same way I want to invest myself into them. . . humm. . yeah just a strange feeling. A good one. . .but strange. You know the amazing part though. He has never had a boyfriend, I was his first kiss even. . . I don't know he really is . . .just as young as I am in all senses. So I feel like we are going to grow a lot togeather. And that is something that I feel like I will never forget. I feel that even if this never worked out in the long run that we can teach eachother something important. . . I hope we can atleast. Yeah. . well I am going to go to bed more then likely with the butterflies in my tummy. . . yeah. . . just a good feeling. . .you are right Kim. . I feel more wood then I have ever before. I didn't know what you ment before. I had an idea but even other people are noticing the difference in me. . . it is a good feeling. Like he is all I really needed. . . Yeah. . . hummm. . .but you know what. . .butterflies were not at the start. . .they had to grow. . that is why I think that this might work. There is TONS of room for growth in us and we see that. . . yeah no sure though. Anyway LOVES babes!! . . woot woot. . .

For once I can say good things really do come to those who chose to wait. . .

Realiaztion

I don't want to go home because I am going to miss all the people here. I reallyhave become good friends with some of them. Nothing like the ones at home, but at home I am comfortable and there are people there that I will always be friends with NO MATTER what happens in the long run. But I also feel that home isn't really home anymore it is just a house and a place to stay while I see my friends and family for a long time. I don't know I am just sort of in a inbetween state right now. I am also going on a date tonight. Not like anything can come out of it beause really I can't let anything come out of it. Not this close to summer atleast. But i can set some ground work for next year. I don't know I just . . .blah. .and my dad wants me to go with him to the dunes not a day after I get back from college. He says that is going to be my one trip this summer. . so I am like OMG really? I don't want to go straight from a truck to a moterhome with my dad and not get to see my sister for a few days more!! GERRR. . oh well I will figure things out. . I always do!! Yup yup!!

Sleep be is my for good. . . X )

Yeah that is about the function of my brain right now. I want to be home. I am sort of homesickish. And Kim I have been looking for that movie The Fountian, because it actually does sound like something right up my ally. However, this seems to be more of a challenge then I thouht that it would be. Ohh well right. It is all good. No worries. All things happen in the end.

So I have been sort of soul searching for a bit. I don't really know what I do and don't want anymore. I want a guy. I really do, but is that what I really want? Do I want love really? Is that what I need in my life? Or is it that i want to give love? Because I know that is what I want. I was examining my liking of Dwayne and came to the conclusion that there was no chemisty between the two of us. There was a lot fo sexual chemistry, but nothing more. Is that really all I want though? Just sex? That doesn't register in my own head even. Because I know that isn't what I want. I want someone to talk to. Someone that I can be myself with no matter what.

Zach spent the night in my room last night. And well I think he saw bit into my personage. I tried to explain the group dynamics of Hilde, Tia, Mandy and I. I said that is was corrny but the best way to desribe it was with the four elements. He guessed automatically that Mandy was the fire. Hahaha. . . then then I told him Tia was air. He asked why. I said because she is refreashing, light, and well airy. Not in a bad way though. She just is, and it is to the brightest element which she is also. Then he asked if I was water. I told him no, and that that was Hilde's. Because she bends to people. Wraps around them and comfortas them. Then he said that it didn't make sense that I was earth because he thinks that is a lot like me. I told him that he didn't know me well enough. He knows that I listen to people, but he doens't know that I can be stobborn at times. But I didn't really give in a good complete picture of why I am. I should have told him it is because I am dependable or strong or something. Hummm. . . but then I tried to give him other information about why and how I listen. I don't know I wanted him to see the real me for some reason. I feel like he doesn't think very highly of me at times. Like I am just this fluffy brainless drone that does good just because it is all he knows. That I help people for shallow reasons. And maybe I do. But I don't think so. He didn't see who I was and what I came from to get a full apprication of what I have become. I don't know it is interesting. To know that I can come off like that. I guess it is because I haven't had long talks with him. . . .

You know I do talk best in the dark. When the lights are low and you can't see the persons face. When you can wrap them in words and spin a blanket of letters, and when it is one on one. I don't have much time with people here at a one on one. Which is I think a good reason as to why I have held this silly facade up all year. Afaid to let people in like always i would think. I don't know why. I shouldn't be. But I hate having to try and get people acclimated to me. Because it is the truth. To get a full understanding of me you really do have to go though a process. Hummm. . . it is odd. . . ohh well I guess I will just have to build and make time for more one on ones. Yup yup.

We are singing with the Seattle Symphony again and it will be really cool. We had a dress rehearsal today. It was fun. But long ohh well. We are singing the genisis suite. Last and only time it was preformed was in like 1941 or 1951. . . don't remember. This is the second preformance of the peice in history, and I get to be part of it. . . crazy thought huh. Anyway babes, I can't wait to be home. Loves!! I have some more thinking to do.

The time is come.

For times where you just can't hold it in anymore. I find it odd. Really that I would let so much build up in me while I am the one that preches letting go of emotion into other people. For someone who hates it when other people DON'T get vernerable sometimes, I don't get vernerable at times. I find that hypocritical. It is after all. Ohh well, it is okay. I am going home and I will relax. I will let go of all that is in me and diffuse into my surroundings. I know it isn't fair. To dump so much emotion onto my loved ones but that is why I feel like I must. I have been distant and gone. So I must do this little thing. I am vunerable right now and about to go take a midterms yet my head is clearer then normal. Ohh man I love things that touch a persons heart. So just letting you know, that who you are does make a difference. That is what got me this morning. Loves dearys.

My body is a live wire!

I don't know what it is. I have caused a lot of trouble this last few weeks. I haven't been doing well in school. It feels like my life is really just starting to crubble. Like I finally tried to move the a delicate crystal a few to many times. It finally shattered. But the odd thing is . . . I don't feel any remorse for it. I feel like I shed a skin that was thinly crafted. It is odd. Becuase I showed myself my true colors. I didn't mind it. I mean I went from being in the closet to being out. I showed a lot more of me. But I still has a thin covering where you could see my colors but it was contained. I feel like that covering finally streched to far. Does that make sense. I mean, I guess it is all because I got my first kiss. It wasn't perfect, not in any way how I imagined it. But it was good. I wont lie. I did enjoy it. And I created room for some good to happen. I made a bad relationship fall apart. Not because of the kiss but because of the information I let go of. I don't know. . . I feel . . . odd. . . might be becuase I am going home this weekend and I CAN"T wait to see my family. It has been much to long. I need to go and clear my head, and figure out where this new me stand. One that isn't afraid to grab what I want and hang on. I don't know. It is odd. I am still trying to figure it out. Loves babes. I think I am getting into a new me. One that will handle things better and with a set of morals and not be afraid of it. Hummm. . LOVES!!!

Of this time!

I have really messed things up. I am lost and havn't got a clue how to make it all out again. I have never really had relationship drama, and now I do. So I am SOOOOO lost that is almost hurts and in such a bad time. I really need to just go home and get my head cleared. Loves, I will be happy soon.

Weekend in San Fran

Yeah it was an interesting time and I am really confused about a lot of things that went down while i was there.

Sunday = We ended up getting into the hotel at around like 8:30 and we deside that we were all hungry. So we get a group of us togeather, and we all go out to Joe's Crab shack. It was great because the staff has to dance and everything when music starts to play loud. It was great because it was all the old 90's stuff that everyone can sing along to. lol. . . . ohh getting to the air port. I should let you all know about that. Well I was going to get a shuttle to the air port, but me and Dwayne end up riding the bus togeather. Yes this is the same guy that I talked about ealier. Yes, I know I am masacistic. So we go out to eat before hand and we chat for a bit and hang out in my room till we have to catch a bus, then hangout when we get to the airport also. It was fun. We talked about a lot of different stuff. Ended up he left his music in my room also. Anyway back to the dinner that night at Joe's. We leave and I end up paying to much because the check was really confusing and they couldn't split it. So whatever, it is all good. No worries. But then we also wanted dessert. So ends up that Jenna, Christine, Thomas, Brent and I go and get ihop. It was great and there are a lot of inside jokes with us now. Like the fact that I will now never look at butter pecaun syup the same way again. lol. . .yeah it was good times. Then we head to bed and that was the end of that day.

Monday = woke up and got breakfast which was pretty good. Nothing really to complain about. Try to find a bank afterwards but ended up just walking around in a big circle. Ohh well it was fun anyway. Then we went to a high school that won the all state compititions in vocal and we preformed for them and they preformed for us. And they were MUCH better then us. It was actually sort of sad. lol. . . . But then we go and go a sound check for a concert later that night with chanticleer. It was in the basilica there! It was so pretty and the sounds that we made there was AMAZING!! It was so beautiful! Then we go to a mall and eat get something to eat. Go back to the hotel get changed and we got to a bank and all that jazz. Then we headed off to the concert. It was amazing. The high schools were really good. Then we sang and the sound was amazing!! No joke. Ohh man it was lovely. Then we heard Chanticleer. They are an all male group that sing all the parts. Saprano, Alto, Tenor, and Bass. Yeah no joke. It was crazy to hear a guy sing up that high!!! Yeah, but they sounded amazing! One of the songs litterally had everyone crying. It was beautiful. Then we get back and a bunch of people go to In and Out Burger. It was really good and it is owned by mormons. What can I say, mormons know there stuff!! lol. . . love you all. Anyway, then we head back and fall asleep.

Tuesday = I sleep in, because i didn't think everyone was doing stuff that morning and we didn't have to be up. And I end up just going to the peir with Kyle. It was fun though. Nothing to complain about. When everyone started to get back we all went to the Grace Cathedral. It was so pretty. I could just feel God there. Singing there was also really amazing! Nothing will ever top that feeling I got singing in there. I felt like I was part of something. It was just a big feeling and I don't really know how to describe it. And then after that we went and practiced the Genisis suite at a college. It was short and sweet. No worries. Then then we get back at around 5 to the hotel. Dwayne, Thomas and I were going to go to castro (the gay district in San Fran) and we were trying to find a club that was 18 and up. There were none but we still wanted to have a good time. But at like 6:15 we go to little Italy and get something to eat. There were a bunch of people and it was tons of fun. We get back and it is like 7:30 ish.

*stop reading if you chose to not hear bad things but also want to know the meat of the story you should read but know that I have learned from my mistakes*. . . .

Well they had one of the older guys in the choir get us some vodka. The good kind I guess. It all tastes bad, but that stuff that we had was actually not half bad. This girl, Rocky and I make a toast to us and we have a drink. We also start to play 10 fingers. I told them all that I would win at the game. Basically what you have to do is say things that you have never done and then if you have done it you have to put a finger down. I did end up wining but a astonishing 8. . . lol. . . I haven't done a lot of stuff. . . lol. But they also vowed that by the end of the night I would no longer be unkissed. We were still really wanting to go dancing and everyone wanted to get me a kiss and hook me up with someone. Anyway, we finally make our way out of the hotel. It was Dwayne, Thomas, Alica and I. It ended up being a small group and it was really a good thing. *we also did take the vodka with us in a water bottle* By the time I got there I had had four shots or so. When we get of the bus there was a guy on the street that started to talk to us. We chatted with him for like 20 min and he was really nice. . . but there was something off with him. Ends up he was on meth. . Alica told us that after were got away from him. Anyway, yeah his life story was pretty sweet. So we start walking around trying to find some place to dance or atleast have fun. We end up walking into this cookie shop and the guy tells us that there are no places that are 18 and up on a tuesday night. So we start walking some more

We end up finally after a long time, it is around 11 and we pass this group of guys and Dwayne does the whole wink and hey thing. So we all start chatting and they want to show us all a good time. There were three guy and a girl just like us in the group. So they take up this a bar called the Mix. It was odd. They end up buying us all some beer. It wasn't the crappy stuff in college but some really okay beer, and I actually do like the taste of it. So they buy us all three rounds. The guys names were Seth, Joshph or something, Ryan, and the girl was Mary. We all hit it off pretty well. But there were older that much was sure and they ask us a bunch of questions. I have a pretty good conversation with Seth about saving myself and why I did it, and everyone was really proud about that. I was happy, and I am sort of proud that i have saved myself. Yeah, Seth was a pretty cool guy. However somewhere in the night, this random guy bumbs into me and sad sorry, I am like it is all good no worries. And then he grabs my butt and says look at the ass on this one, it is so nice! I am like OH my God in my head, so I turn around and stutter a . . . . .a thank you? It was such an odd experiance. I have never had that many people tell me that I was good looking in a night. Yeah it sort of freaked me out. Well anyway, by this time I have had four shots and three beers just to let everyone know. But oddly I can't still function and I can still have morals. So I see Dwayne and this guy Joshph making out. I am like okay it is two in the morning, cerfuew was at 1, it is time to go. So I find Alica and I get us a cab. So we get back to the hotel via my leading ability. They want to go skinny dipping. Bad idea and we end up not doing that. But there were people out in the hall way so we start talking with them. And then more people show up who are also drunk and we descide to move it in to my room. Because both Paul and I are drunk and Kyle is still up. SO we get everyone in there after a little bit of effort. And Paul still has more alohol and we make a few more toast I guess. I really don't remember having more then one more drink, but I guess I had a few more. That is what Kyle tells me anyway. And well okay this is where it gets odd. So we descide to play 10 fingers again. I know once again I will win. It gets to my turn and I pull out the whole i have never been kissed and out of the corner of my eye I see Dwayne launch for me. He is trying to kiss me. All I knew was that I didn't want to be kissed. Not that way atleast. And I end up fending him off with some effort because I was in conflict because I did like him. But he also is sort of in a relationship. He in a friends with benifits deal. They agreed to not have sex with other people. But regardless, it doens't happen and Alica had to pull him off of me, after I had him pinned to the bed. And he says that he sorry. Whatever, after that he doesn't remember anything but he is still mentally there you know what I mean. Okay well anyway, I go and call Hilde. I talk to her for a bit and go back in because my phone dies. The only free stop was between Darran and Dwayne. So I lay down and start to cuddle with Dwayne. The same way that Tia, Hilde, Mandy and I cuddle. But it was a sexual because we were both into each other. I just wanted the contact. Yeah, and he ends up passing out on my chest with his head there. By this time it is like 4:30 in the morning and we have to be up by 5 to get breakfast. We had a very early plane. Well Dwayne was taken care of and all that jazz. I am still a bit tipsy. . . but for the most part i am good. breakfast was went okay but the assitant conductor noticed Dwayne but says nothing. The plane ride home was horrible!!! No joke. Never have a hangover on a plane!! BAD IDEA!! and that was the end of the trip. I really did enjoy myself but there is more to be said.

So I get back and sleep because it was my first all nighter. Ends up one of my friends Liz has something to tell me! Okay well comes to find out that Broson another guy that i know and Liz's best friend has been fooling around with Christian. The same guy that is friends with benifits with Dwayne. I am sort of lost as to what to do. Because all three of them are sort of "slutty" Bronson really is doing it for nothing more then to get off. Christian is sort of cheating, and Dwayne is in the dark. I don't know what to do. Do I tell Dwayne and distroy it, being both my chases of being with him and Christian, or do I let it all play out in its own way? I am in conflict and I don't know what to do. . . So I need to fin out what there deffinition of sex is. Because some people don't consider oral sex as sex. I DO!!! But some people don't. . .yeah and that is all Bronson and Christian are doing. Hummm. .yeah I am totally lost. I have never been in this situation. So yeah . . . a bit of a story for you all.

Just a few Wrods

can change your whole look out on a person can't they. I hate to say that though. Because that seems really shallow of me. To base my views of a person on what someone said to me about someone right. But I trust Kat. So I want to take it for true and let that be that, but I can't because I don't want to have to lick my wounds. But I guess having a friend stick you with a thorn is better then someone that will only use you do it. Humm. . . I hope that is right.

Kat: Hey Branden, do you like Dwayne?
Me: Well yeah a little why? Has he said something?
Kat: Well cherrel told me somethings.
Me: And?
Kat: Well he is a bit of a man whore. He gets all the guys he wants.
Me: *silence* hummm

How much of a man whore is he?
Kat: He once met a guy and three hours later they hooked up and he never talked to him again.
Me:ohh

*silence as my views change and thoughts rage*
Kat: Sorry Branden.
Me: It is okay, I asked to know and I guess it is better to find it out from you.
Kat: Yeah, it is.


Yeah that was the conversation. Hummm. . . . I don't know what to think about this. I can take it one of two ways. Or maybe even a third. First I want to know why he never tried anything with me? Was it because he didn't think I am attractive enough for him? That would be a major blow to the self esteem. It has been taking a lot of hits lately though and I keep on grinding away at the life I lead hopeing that it gets better. *in the love section that is mind you* Or is it because he never made a move on me because he actually DOES like me? And then do I let my overly optimistic side take over because that is what I want, but we all know that gay men usually are only out for one thing. They are always looking for the next more attractive guy that they can mess with. But that would mean that I would still have a chance. Maybe, but would I want to take that chance given his past? Do I risk getting cheated on? Hummm. . . I am sad guys. The third way I can take this is to, just look at it as him making things up that he knows will eventually get to me and try to get me off of him? That might be a possibility. But I don't think anyone is really that coniving. Are they? Well yeah, so that is my story for the next little bit. Yeah, but at least I am going to san fran right. woot woot.

Late night thoughts!

Hey guys. . . once again here I am without anything really important or interesting to say at all. I am just sitting in my room. Zach needed a place to sleep because Hilde's room was being used, and he doesn't like to sleep in his room because his roommate is a beast! That is the only way to put it also. Well anyway, my roommate is gone and he is always welcome to my roommates bed if he so chooses. Well he finally took me up on it. He is a good guy. . but nothing more then a friend. Anyway, yeah.

I can't wait. I am actually going to san fransico. I flippen can't wait. I am going to have to much fun! I am going with the choir I am in. So not only is that going to be fun. But Dwyane, Thomas and I are all going to the gay part of town and we are going to a club on one of our free nights. It is going to be so much fun!! I can't wait. It will be my first club and I want to see what it is like. See if I will actually enjoy myself or not. Who knows?

Not to mention we are going to be singing with Chanticleer. They are a grammy award winning men's choir. They are so flippen awsome. We got invited to sing for them. And we are going to sing one of our own all male songs. It is really pretty also. I like it atleast. Pretty Little Horses. I love it. We are singing a bunch of early american songs. So it fits my style of voice. I am stoked for it.

I also went to the tide pools here in Seattle with my biology class. Now if you guys come out here I could totally show you a bunch of crazy cool stuff!. . .things that you would never think lived here. It is totally awsome! We saw these giant crabs. It was crazy!! And one of them had a bunch of eggs on her. It was so pretty. Only I would find that pretty woudn't I. The idea of birth and marine life. Well I like it. lol. . . .

My mind is really scarttered because I have been trying to get done with homework because I am going to be gone for the most of next week. Not to mention I had two midterms this week. It wasn't a good week. But I guess that the prize at the end was worth it. I am going to san fran!! YEY. . .

Ohh and Zach taught my how to play this really fun version of solitar, but it is with out the solitary part because you need more then one person. I have to teach you Kim about it sometime. BTW Kim I couldn't finish your really long blog. It was just to long. You know how spacey I can get sometimes. Well yeah, this week = Branden ultra spacey!! Woot woot

Well the next time I will chat with you guys will more then likely be post san fran and I will tell you all about my trip.

I am acutally sort of hopeing for my first kiss from Dawyne. But who knows. Only time will tell.

Balance is hard

Last night I saw someone get mugged from my window.

I don't know what to think about it. All I saw was the driver drive off. I didn't see her get mugged, but I heard it. I didn't think anything about it because people are usually loud outside, and I was in that half asleep state. I heard her say I was mugged. The driver was parked in our parking lot of our dorm.

Life is all in balance. Ever single life I think is part of it, and it shifts. Moves and breaths. It is odd to think that might have been me or Hilde or anyone that I know. Hilde, Lindsey and I went for a late walk the night before so that might have been us. Think about it. The power shift from one side to the other. From the good to the bad. Bad takes with force, and Good takes with compassion. But they all take in someway or another. Is there ever a nutural force? Or a truely good force. What is a good persons motive anyway? To be liked, to do what is right so that they can get into there heaven? They all have a motive. I know that I have a motive looking at it. I want to be liked, and i like the feeling it gives me to see there face light up. That is my goal, and I take from them to get that sense of joy. I take that small emotion and hord over it. It is my gold. Does that make me any better then that man that took that girls stuff? He needed something and he got it. I needed something and I get it. Hummm. . . does that make me anybetter really? I guess the better question if it really is a good thing is if you could give it all up if you were mearly asked? Could I just stop taking that feeling if someone didn't like that i got joy from it? Would that be good then? Wow the lines just got blured for me. I need to do some thinking.

NO GNOME FOR YOU!!!

I don't really know what to write about right now.

I am actually in a lull mood. One where I would willing sit still for a period of time and just be happy touching someone. I want to be close to people again. I miss that more then you know. There just isn't anyone that does that over here. I am slowly getting that way with the house mates. But that will take some time because they are new to me. Which is understandable, from both my point and theres. They don't know me very well and I don't know them that well either. It takes time to build that sort of trust. The trust where you know that you are not going to be hurt by people.

It is odd though how contact comes to easily to me. I enjoy it and want it. It is almost a need if you will. I need to touch, not so much as be touched. I don't know why that is. I want to be hugged but not touched, if that makes sense. But some people I just want to touch me. If I am comfortable with someone I want them to touch me. Others I want to a hug or something more intimate. Like a touch is just a let down. Or something. Hahaha. . . like for example. Without really thinking about what I am doing I reach out and touch peoples arms or shoulders if I know them. Like this guy Dwayne. I kind of like him. I don't know anyway, yeah I passed him and like I automatically reached out and said hi by touching him. I brushed his arm and I said hi and kept on walking. It was odd to realize what I just did. Does that mean i dont really have to be comfortable or am I actually comfortable enough with him. Hummm. . .odd. . well yeah that is the question for the day. What does touch really mean?

I think it is just needed for me. I also don't understand how people can't like it. I just want to be close to someone I guess. No mater what. Hummm. . .. yeah. .. I am going to ponder that question some more. Anyway, I had a midterm today. It went well and I am learning about Snails and Octopi in my shellfish class. It is really kind of cool. Cuttlefish are my new favorite animal right under the tie between Manta Ray and Dogs. Yup yup. . . you know what I was thinking to do . . . sorry random tangent. . . well I was actually thinking about pokemon and the logistics if it was a real world. Where like animals had power and such. That would be crazy if you think about it. Like squirals would be a common pokemon or something. lol. . . yeah that is a thought for you. lol. . . see that is where my mind wonders when I walk back from the Gym. Ohh the gym. I need to get back in shape. My fat jeans are begining to fit. That means it is time to work out.

SORRY RANDOM BLOG!!!

LOVES

"NO, Jeremy wasn't here to claim a gnome! So he DOESN'T get a gnome!" -Oisin

Hence the title. Taken from a conversation around the dinner table.

WELL then. . . lol

So yeah. . . lol. . . I feel really silly!!!. . .not going to lie about that. I was sort of having a rough week. lol. ..you guys all know that I have my ups and downs. Well that was a down lol. . . .and I am happy right now. .. lol. .. .Yeah I gave up feeling bad about last weekend. I tried something out. I am sorry, but I don't regret it. .. . and well yeah. It isn't like I am addicted to it or anything. So yeah. .. . anyway, I am over that. I can't wait to see Ben this up coming weekend. He has been really busy with midterms, and he went to see his friends this weekend. But this up coming weekend he is hanging out with me. Tia is also going to be here. I can't wait to see her!!! OMG I can't wait at all. lol. . . . OHH man this week is going to amazing!! yes yes. ...

I went to a oyster hatchery. .. it was epic and fun!!! not going to lie. . .Learned a ton of stuffy. It was a long trip and in the amount of time that we spent in a car to get there I could have gotten home and back again!!! lol. I got to hold a 30 to 50 year old Gooy duck. It is a type of shellfish. lol. . . and it was crazy. It was huge!!! Yeah the syphon on this thing is literly as thick as my forarm and nearly as long as my whole arm!!!. . . .and the shell is about the size of a nerf foot ball!!! It was crazy fun!! I also learned about hot to culture and raise algae, and I saw juvinile oysters and the such!!! It was a lot of fun even if I was hecka tired!!. ...lol. . . and I met some really fun people with driving for 6 hours in a van. lol. Yup yup. I can't wait for summer!!

Shattered Mask

Well, I have a bunch to say and I hate to say it. But I really should. I don't want to because I know that it will hurt you guys (maybe), but at the same time I know that it is what I need. So do I keep it boiling in and remain like his with no outlet and let you guys be happy and still think exactly the same things about me. Or do I delv deep and let out all of my fears? Which path to choose? Can't I only take one or can I let my fear excape and never actually post this? But what would that accomplish. . .

I am actually leaning away from my computer because the idea that I am actually going to say what I need to is sort of sicking to me.

Well I don't really know how to describe it at all. What I feel like I should. So lets start at the begining. Being in Seattle it is really hard to be concervative. Everyone here has had a completely opposite view on things like drugs and alcohol then what i have experianced. They don't really care and they do it. It was pounded into me that I shouldn't drink or smoke. I understand the smokeing thing completely. And I wouldn't do that just because I don't want to. I don't like the smell. But I still sort of wonder what it would feel like.

But I did go against my promise of not drinking till I turned 21. I guess that is what bothers me the most. That I didn't go through with my own plans. I know that plans change, but really I am sort of disappointed in myself. But then i wonder where I got my adversion to alcohol? Because even my own parents said that it was okay if I wanted to. I just had to be around them if I did. Regardless, the only other reason was that i like to say that I was a role model of sorts. That people looked at me and said that he was a good guy, a golden boy or sorts. Like people have never had trouble from me. I have never rebeled against anything. If I was told not to do it then I didn't. There has only been one case in which I did rebel but I don't really do that all that often anymore, and well it has lost its thirll because I know that my dreams of love and all that jazz are actually almost possible. Like I can really have a boyfriend if I wanted to. Something that fantized loses it apeal if I can actually have it.

But I wanted to rebel of sorts. . . wanted people to know that I can be more then just the shell of goodness. That I can have reasons. I don't have a clue what I am thinking or saying right now. I really don't. I don't know this feeling right now. It sort of makes me want to cry. I feel like I have let some of my friends down. Like I lost there respect. That they now would think of me less because I chose to see if I liked something. The part that scares me even more is that I actually did like it. I liked the release it gave me. I was genually happy and carefree. Sometimes I feel like I just put on a happy face for others benifit. And people ask me if I am pissed off if I not smiling. I don't even have to be unhappy, just not smiling and something is automatically wrong. I hate that!!! Do I have to happy all the time? Should I be happy. But even when I am not smiling and people ask me if I am okay, I smile and say yes i am fine and I hold a mask to my face to show them what they want, and what I want. I want them to be happy. I don't want them to worry. But really under that mask it grows angry. Why can't I just be mad sometimes? Why can't i talk about my feelings to anyone? I need my friends to be close. And I really don't want to even worry you guys at all, because then I would feel guilty becuase I am just being pissed and angry at myself!!!!! This is just my form of coping with self let down. Because I know that none of you will justify what I did. None of you would. I can't even do it to myself. I plain wanted to know what it felt like, and taste like. But what kind of justification is that? Not a good one when you consider the implications of what I did. I lost peoples respect and the golden boy image that I hated and charished!!! The golden boy has so much to hold up and it just got heavy. I hate that!!!






*sigh*






I am sorry guys. . . .can you forgive me? Then forgive me again. . . and again . . .and again? I don't want to hurt you guys by making you see less then you want to. . . . so I am sorry. For tarnishing the painting that is my mask.




But don't think that I am unhappy right now. It just makes me sad those thoughts and I am happier right now. I really am. That I got that off my chest. And there is a good guy right now that I want to see more of. Hummm. . . .anyway. . . see you guys later. . .LOVES!!! and I am sorry.

Shards

I hate this feeling. I am sort of stuck somewhere. It feels like I am stagnate again. I don't like this feeling. Like I have been drivin into a rut again. And am once again following life as it comes. . . down the path like always. I don't really like that path. One where I know completely what is coming. .. and I don't know what is coming. .. yet I feel like I do. Is that bad? I can't be sure. . . like I know the unknown. . . which in itself is rediculous as a thought. I don't know. . . . I guess it is just me being pessimistic about something. About things with Garrett. . .. like I actually want to date this guy. I really do. .. .but I know that it wont work. . . . well I don't know that it wont work, but I think it that wont work. . .. but what if it did. . . wow. .. . I am just being pessimistic about how every other guy i have ever liked has bailed on me. Never once. ...when I invested my heart and a bit of myself into a guy has it ever payed off. . . what should make this one different? I really don't know what should make this one different. I mean like all the guys that I have tried with well they all really like me. .. .and value my friendship but that is only after they decide that it wont work and then later on they tell me that they wish it would have. Like they see afterwards what they could have had and realize that it would have been good!! And it would have. .. sigh. .. . I just am having notioions that this will turn out just like the rest. Hummm. .. well I guess only god and time will know. I just wish that I did also. . .that way I didn't have to get my hopes up and have them shatter like a dropped mirror. Beautiful in itself the little peices . . . but not nearly as pretty as the whole picture.


. . .. only time. . . .

Update!!!

Wow. .. where do I start? Well I am in a new quarter for one thing. Wow new quarters are good!! I think I will actually like this one also. I acutally like the classes that I am in. Biology of Shellfish is very interesting. It is going to be some work. Not a ton but some work. I have two labs in a week and we are already sequncing DNA and RNA to try to find out what type of larva we have!! It is really interesting and everything, but on the second day of class it is intense. Lol. .. . Chemisty is going to be tough for me. But that is okay, because it isn't like really REALLY hard. Then I got into the music theory class which is interesting because I don't really understand music. Never have, I just play it. LOL. . . . which is so true on so many levels. Maybe someday I will be able to write down what I hear in my head. Ohh man that would be crazy. Choir is going to be fun. We are singing some really cool stuff and it is going to fun.

Sadly though I have been sick this week so I haven't had that much energy. LoL. It doesn't help that Hilde has been having some boy problems so it has been me that has had to pull her out of it. I love to. . . .but it wasn't very good timing!!! Ohh well it is okay. I will take the good with the bad. And there has been a lot of good and for a small amount of bad this week. It was fun to see all my friends again!!! I love them so much. I miss them. Sadly though Kat is thinking about transfering down to Cali again. I don't want her to. But I will support her in all that she does because if she really thinks that is what she needs then, yes by all means do it.

Speaking of which. Talked with Kristiana, she is doing really well. I can't wait to see her. Which I want to do sometime soon.

Moving onto boys, I finally got out and over Alec. That one guy that kept on standing me up. I know I said I had a while back, well I am finally done done. Sorry, you all know how I work. lol. However, I actually went on a date with Garrett. He was really awesome. I don't know how more to put it. You guys should have heard his song. It was soft and gental. I liked it a lot. There was something hidden again. It didn't threaten or hurt, just like a shadow or a nighttime twilight. I couldn't really place my finger on it. I am going to go on another date with him soon I think. It will be fun. Woot woot.

Now i am just waiting for something. I don't know what yet. Like something amazing to happen. I don't know what or why I am waiting. I should be out there making it happen. . . . but I can't because I am here. . ..and everyone else is out there. . . maybe I will. Hum. .. oaky. Well I figured I should up date you all. I am doing great. Life is fine, and happy. I am really good. . . just sort of stagnate again!! Woot woot.

Walking the Walk

Hey everyone, I am in a very thankful mood right now.

What puts me in that mood should you ask? Let me tell you.

1. I am at my home. I love is here. Even if it is the last time I will more then likely step foot in THIS home, but my home will always be with my family. I am just going to miss it. After all I did sort of grow up in this house.

2. I got my grades in school. I did a lot better then I thought I would. Which I am proud of. It lightens my heart to know that I am doing something with my life. Granted I know that I shouldn't need a few little grades to know that, but sometimes they are a beacon when your mind gets lost.

3. I think I honestly found a good guy. He goes to the University of Puget Sound. Not an easy school to get into. It is in northern Tacoma, so it isn't that far away. He makes trips to Seattle often. Not only that, but like he doesn't drink heavely, and no drugs at all. He isn't all the way out of the closest, but that is okay because he is doing it slowly. And in very much the same manner that I did. But get this, he is actually still a virgin. I know that, you might think that is nothing special, but in the homosexual community, it is a very small minority. As of now I know two of them. Me and him at the age of 19. I don't know, he is just a really good guy. You should read some of the stuff we have talked about. Such as good verses bad. Basically he gives with the hope of someday getting it all back again. Sound familiar? Woot woot, but I am not going to get my hopes up. Because to many times that is my downfall. Right.

Is it just me or does the future look really bright right now or what? Everyone it finding there path. Kim, you have God, I mean I true and honest connection with him. I envy that about you, but I am SO glad that you do. It gives you strength where I know none. Tia, you are finially figureing out what you want to do in life. Nia, she is getting out on her own. Hilde and Mandy, they are already on there way. For a long time I always thought that I was stuck in a rut comparred to all of you. Never really changing, or moving, but I see that isn't true. I have always been growing, shaping who I am today. With the help and love of each and everyone of you out there. It makes me happy to know that I do have a net. I think about all the people out there that have no one to count on when the times get tough, and it hurts. I couldn't funtion without something or someone to catch me if I should fall. And I have before.

I think that is partly why I liked Alec. He needed and needs me. Granted I can only be his friend and at times that is even a bit trying. He has little to no family that actually cares for him, because he is one of those classic gay kids that is rejected by the family. Has no friends, because he pushes them away with his attitude, even I am put off by him sometimes. I don't think I could ever live like that. See what I mean though. So I will be there, because I should and want to. After all even the smallest of candles can light up a dark room.

Lastly I watched the most amazing movie ever. August Rush. Anyone that can appreciat music and life, would love this movie. For me it sort of hit a nerve, a very good nerve. At the end of it. . . . I am pretty sure that my fingernails had goose bumbs. It was such a good movie that I almost crieds because it was so good and it had to end. I really suggest that you watch the movie!!!

Anyway, so that is why I am happy right now. Not estatic, but happy. It is the best feeling right now. I have been putting on a hard shell that is happy, but it doesn't beat with my heart. This one does and I can feel it pluse with it. I just want to share it with everyone. I really do. So here you can have some happy also, *throws arms open for a hug*. . . loves dearhearts. I miss you all like crazy, but we will all be togeather soon!

Midnight Rambles

This is just another of my . . . rants/thoughts . . . so you have been warned.

I don't really know what I want to talk about right now. I am a mood right now. A good, thankful, happy, sad, mood. Mostly I am sad because I am happy. Wow that sounds really messed up. I don't know I am sad because I am so happy when others are not. I am really effected by the people around me. And EVERYONE is unhappy and miserable. I am not at all. I am happy to be just where I am. Once again I see people falling all around me and yet like always I stay. I don't know I saw people flare at the beggining of college and that got me down sort of. But now that I am up to where they are they are falling down. It makes me sad that they couldn't be where I am right now in this moment in time. They stress and worry about mundain things that in the grander scheme of things doesn't really matter to me. The world is so much bigger then how you did on your math final, or chem final, or any final. They don't really matter, other then face value, do they. Granted they help define, but it isn't the deffintion. You can't tell a dimonds shape and color, but looking at just the casing. There is so much more to people then they will ever know even about themselves and that makes me sad that they don't see there worth.

That thought and idea has been getting to me a lot lately. The thought that peole worry about the sillyest of small things. People have this need to define every single little aspect of there lives to help them make it threw one more day. My question is, why live for just one more day, when you have a life to lead?

I wonder why people commit murder, steal, rob, lie, and in general are just mean, and I have came to the conclusion that they did it because they got something out of it. I know that this answer seems like the obvious answer. But it wasn't to me. I wanted to believe that people could and would live for more then just there ownself. I even hate talking about this because i feel like I am surving myself but talking about a subject like this. Like I am trying to put myself on a higher pedistol then even I should be. Because I can be mean also at times. I lie, and hurt people. Sometimes I mean to, other times I don't mean to. I would like to say that I have never willfully caused pain. But some where I more then likely have. And that hurts me to think about. I wasn't thinking. So what brought this whole notion up. Well I was talking with this guy Dwayne, and well we were talking about self defence. About weither or not if we could kill someone if it was between yourself or the other? I couldn't give an answer.

I have often thought about just that. About if I could act when I needed to. I have run threw senerious where some masked gunman run a raid on a school and what i would do to stop it. I would like to think that I would be the hero of the school and try to save people. And I would do just that. I look back at all my dreams of being a hero and I never killed the murder of bad guy. I always uncounsiouly desided that I would just lame him or her. I don't think I could ever kill someone. If it was me and just one other people in a fight, I still wouldn't beable to do it. It is odd to think that. That a strangers life, a "bad" persons life, more important to me then even my own. That is what I was wondering. Because everyone else I have asked would take the others life. And they tell me that I would think differently if I was actually faced with the choice, and I don't think I would. I really don't think I would.

Does that make me better in anyway. That life should mean more to me then living?

I don't understand it. I can't come to the conclusion of this delema because I don't think I will ever be put to the test. And I really hope that I never will be, because that would mean that I will be faced with something evil. I honest to God hope I never have to be put in a choice. My heart goes out to all those people that have ever had to chose, or saw a choice. I am having a hard time just thinking about the implications of such an action, without ever haveing lived it.

So now that I got that out for a little bit of thought. I wonder how people wonder and worry about a math test when in reality those are not the tests that you should be worrying about. You should worry about how you would act. What defines the dimond that is you. The moral fiber. Is it gosimer, is it steel, or is it a mix? Can anyone tell that I have been doing a little bit of soul searching?

The thing about this school is that it has opened doors that were never even existant before when I lived in the Tri-cities. A city makes you see all that is possible in a more defined an clear way.

You all thought that I saw the world differently, that I saw the bad and good and still chose to only see the good. Or atleast Tia, that is what you once said to me. And well in reality I don't think I ever really saw the bad. I mean I saw a faction of it. I really did. I will give that much, but I never saw its color, or smelled its stench, or heard its scream. And yet I keep going strong because of a strength. I want to say God is keeping me going, but I am not sure about that. I know it is made by God. I do know that, but I am not sure if it is God the person. You know what I mean. I feel like God cares about me, but that I am such a small peice of the world that I shouldn't warent his care dirrectly. I know you guys think he does, but I don't think so. I think he just gives us the tools to cope. It seems to fit so much better to me. The idea that God gave to me my ideals and personality to help me move threw the world. He gave me the strength and will to keep moving one foot infront of the other. But I can chose to not use those gifts that I am given, but I do. You know what I mean.

Kim you know how I described my mood of thought. It gets greener and greener till I get to a small white light, never seeing out of it. I think I just did. I am not sure though. Odd. I don't know what to think right now. I am done for the night. My head hurts. But I feel much better for just getting all my thoughts out of my head. Sorry, if any of this doesn't make sense of is disconcerting to you. It is purely what I have been thinking. I did warn you not to read. Loves babes.

Almost there!

I just wrote out a really long blog, and it was like NO ERROR!!!

Sum

- Downtown Shows went well and had a song dedicated to the choir. It was pretty.
-New boy intrest. Handsome and Charming, and actually available
-Philosophy class is NOT FUN, and I am going to fail it.
-Life is good, but busy!

~Branden~

SING!!

No I don't want to. .. . AKA my time is non-existant right now. I have NONE!!! Okay five choir preformances in four days. Parents coming up!!! A paper to write, homework and finals to study for!!! I think I might actually freak out. NOT TO MENTION I WANT TO KNOW HOW I DID ON THE PHIOLSOPHY CRAP. . . I am pretty sure I failed it. I just want to make sure that I did. I am losing my voice for the preformances. It is not good. We are singing with the Seattle Symphony and it si scary. They are AMAZING and here I am not worthy of there skill. AHHHH. . . . and Bayarona Hall in downtown Seattle is AMAZING!!! Just hearing the sound of my footsteps in the hall gave me chills. The sound of us singing or the symphony was almost to much for me. I am so freaking blessed. I just have to get over the stress and get to that fact, and I will be good. I just need to get there. LOL!!! Okay so yeah, sorry if I seem distant for the next two weeks. I love you all, it is just crazy busy!!! AHHHH I am late for class. OHHH POOP!!!

Midnight Talking!

It is a bad idea for me to write this late at night. Not to mention and getting slowly more and more annoyed at my roommate to is WHITE but thinks he is ganster. He is a wanabe of a wanabe ganster. Not to mention he thinks he knows EVERYTHING!!! It makes me angry. He thinks he is a player and really good with the CHICKS, but I don't understand where he thinks this. I mean he actually told me that he understands women. He was like you know how everyone says that women don't really know what they want. I was like sure. But they actually do know what they want it is just that they wont tell you because they expect that you should know what and how to do everything. They want you to wow them more or less. He looks at me and is like I know that you are gay and everything and more then likely have more insight then most guys, but you are wrong. I was like okay, then what is it. He was like it is easy. Woment want to be told what they want. You have to make the choice for them. I was like trust me that is most defentally NOT what they want. Then the conversation ended with a bunch of other odd and dumb things he said.

Hahahaa. . . okay now that I have that out of my system. Life update. I am tired. Not even metiphorically. I am just sleepy. I am good though. Nothing to complain about. But I have a story to tell you all. Well I was going to meet up with Alec as a friend and such, but he ended up cancaling on me again because he didn't want to have to pay the gas. Which is cool because gas is crazy expensive right now. Well anyway, I was like what ever now I don't really care. I desided that he really doesn't have a good personality anyway. He is to fire and ice for even a friendship. It is just crazy. But he is still a good person. But now that I am uninterested and unavalible because i haven't been hanging on his every word. He is really trying to meet me now. It makes me laugh. Anyway, that is my story now. Not to mention, . . . .. . I just lost my train of thought. Woot woot. . . I guess that is a Branden clue that he should go to bed. Yup I think that is what I am going to go and do. RIGHT AFTER I GET DANE TO TURN OFF HIS BLOODY RAP CRAP, AND NOT TRY TO MAKE MUSIC WITH A LOUD BASE AND BAD GUITAR!!! Gerrrr. . . can you tell he is getting on my nearvs. !!!

OHH i remember what I was going to say. I am actually going to start up with music again. I CAN'T wait. . . .I talked with the horn professor, and he was like yeah I could loan you a horn. YEYEYEYEYEYEY!!! I am super stoked for that. YEY. . . . bed. . . you call me!

Selfishness!!!

So there is a bunch that I want to confess to. . . the thing is . . . I am really truely lost and everytime I think about it, I can think of only one thing. Does that mean I have to do it? Should I. Okay. . .the whole whole Alec thing. I am still talking to him. I couldnt just cut him out. . . wanted to . . .couldn't though. Anyway, and like the more and more I think about him, the more and more I want to just have a fling with him. I know that you guys don't want to hear about that. .. but it is the truth. . . but I don't want or need a fling. So I am lost on that one. . . not to mention he keeps on playing hot cold with me and he is moving to gorgia in may. So there is that. . .bit . . . . pluse I basicically stired up a bunch of things that didn't NEED to be. . but I think it was better that they were out. I don't know I feel bad and guilty about it. . . was I selfish to protect my own friendships and ruin them in the process? I am so confused. . . I want to just fall over and let my mind reel into nothing.

BUT I CAN"T DO THAT BECAUSE I HAVE TO FOCUES!!!! NOT TO MENTION. .. every single time I do try to do just that, this choir keeps on popping into my mind. Kim you always talk about how the spirit guides you. . .well this choir is at this church. Is a baptist church that is very gay friendly. . . but the choir isn't part of the church. . . I think it is just a motivation to go. I don't know . . .So I was thinking about joining this choir. . . it is classed the Diversity Singers. . .ranging from 13 to 22. . . . it sounds like it would be fun. I have absolutly no clue though. . . I really don't. . .I think I should give it a try. . .it is all I can think about.

*sigh* I am tired. . . night loves. . .

*hangs head*

I am tired of guys. . .I really am. . .he ended up cancaling. He pulled the it isn't you, it is me, and I don't really want to presue a relationship right now. Wasn't it I that said that I felt like the bud was withering away before it even got a chance to bloom. . .well maybe next time I should listen to my own advice.

Shy Away

Nothing to talk about . . . but today is the day that I am going to meet him. . . I am sort of really nervous and that is why I am writing now even though I should be getting ready. Hummm. . . I want him to be held up to my expectations and I have no clue if he will, because I can't get a read on him. So I don't want to be let down that is all I am really saying. I want to actually have something work out right in the relationship catagory for me. I really do. . . it may just be that Iam trying to hard. . . but who really knows. I will find out, but he does seem like a very good guy. *sigh* . . . anyway I am off to class. See you guys laters . . . LOVES!!!

Queeries. . .

Well I guess I am writing tonight because I really REALLY have things to tell you all. Well okay . . . so first off I am really happy to be home right now. I am sitting IN MY BED, IN MY HOME, WITH MY FAMILY CLOSE BY. . .it feels really good to be here. Also I am really missing you all like crazy. I mean I love Hilde and everything. But I am not as touchy feely with her as I am with everyone else. I wish I was because I do love her. But like she is to motherly and not needy enough to be a good person to cuddle with. Part of cuddlying is giving also. She doesn't really give me room to give. So not a very good touchy feely person. But still it works. I was with Nia today and was reminded what it was like to cuddle and I MISS it WITH A FREAKING PASSION. . . yeah I know. Anyway is my rant right now. OHHHH also I find it really funny. . .supposidly my dad made a comment to my mom that I find really funny. He said that Nia and I would make really pretty babies. I found this really funny because the only thing that came to my head was . . .OMG we would . . . and I told this to Nia and that is all she could come up with also. Because I have the traditional handsome, husky strenghth. . .she has the tall, slender, grace. . . .and I was like our baby would be epic. . .. it was funny. . .hahahahha. . .

Okay yeah I really miss you all like crazy. . . .Okay boy issues people. . . . So the whole thing last week well that was resolved. . .and I told him that I was hurt and that I felt sort of stupid for being hurt. .. and he agreed and said that he wouldn't have done that if he knew that I liked him. . .I appriciated that. Anyway, we put that behind us because it really didn't mean all that much. . ..he felt so bad that he changed the picture. . .I thought it was funny. .. and I have been texting him and slowly rebuilding the fire. I don't really know why I am, it just sort of happens when we talk. We are both really flirty with each other. Anyway, so like we have talked for a couple days now, and like he finally was like hey can I call you. We started to talk and I knew something was bothering him and he finally confessed that he was really sorry about the whole thing and that he sort of likes me. . .I wanted to know then like what he thought about that. . .and he was sort of like well I don't really know all that much yet, but you have a really good personality and I really like that. . .but we have to see with time. That is exactly what I thought also. Also a big thing for him was that even if we did get into a relationship he was worried about the distance in the summers and cheating. . I explained to him that I can't fathom it. And we talked about that for a bit. And then we came to a conversation about . . . . I totally lost my train of thought. . . . ohhh about if he shouldn't press anything from this. . . because he agrees that it would be fun to be just friends if nothing else. . .it was odd. . he was litteraly saying everthing that I was thinking. I don't know. . . . I am kind of really into him. I don't know we will see on wednesday what will happen. And I told him I felt bad about the gas he has to use to get to me and such. . . .and I felt for him because it about the same distance from Monty's . . . . it was another long conversation. . .. OHHH and he didn't really expect my personality to be what it is. . . I told him then how some people are scared by me at first and then find out that I am just a big teddy bear. . . . hahahhaha. . it was funny. Anyway, yeah that is my boy issues. . . . But my question is am I at fualt for just forgiving him for kissing someone else when we were just flirting? I don't know. . .does that give way to other issues that might arrise? I am sort of lost guys. .. .and I don't know if I should just take the jump and leap. Because my heart says yes, but my head says wait. . .and I am going to wait. . . but I know that my head will more then likely say no. So which do I fallow? My heart of my head? AHHHH. . . . But I really want to know what he is like. I am so lost. Anyway, my heart does say yes and I am pretty sure I will say yes for now. WOOT WOOT!!!

The Flowers Wilt

Don't you think it is hard for a flower to wilt befor it blooms. .. isn't it sort of pointless? Well anyway, should I explain? Yes I shall and sorry for those reading this I think only Kim will understand this ramblings. So anyway, over the summer I went threw a change of personality. . . well not really it was me just with more confidence. Yeah that is way to discribe it. Well anyway, the reason I was more confident was because I was activly flirting with Monty. He told me I was hot and good looking . . .It is different from when you guys say it. Anyway, yeah so I was more confident and well Kim described me as more woody, more solid. I can't remember how you put it. . . but it deeply touched me because it was a good way of putting it. I did feel good and I was who I was ment to be. I wasn't ment to like Monty, no I was just ment to LOVE on a much deeper level, and that wasn't love just think of what it would feel like to actually LOVE someone. . .anyway, part of me also sort of saw it another way. I wrote a poem about it a few times. Well when a guy walks into my life I sort of see the relationship as a flower. It buds and flowers and grows. . . it shouldn't wilt. That is what love does. It makes the flower last. Well anyway, so the flower wilted when Monty and I parted ways. I was okay with it. The flower that I had with Kurtis was nothing more then a bud, but it also never bloomed and was never going to . . .so I walked away from that one also as you all know. Well anyway, there is another guy now. His name is Alec. But like it is really unnerving. . . I feel like the flower bloomed while it was wilting. . . I don't know. Something about this guy intreges me deeply. . . I HAVE NO CLUE WHY. . . I showed chelsey a picture of him and the first word she said was Drama. . . .that is what I got also when I first saw his picture. And I REALLY hate drama, but something about him really intreges me!!! I have no clue why. . . . really I don't. And I feel like it shouldn't be between us if there ever was, and on the flip side it feels right. I don't know I get polar opposites with him. It is rediculous. We will wait till I can hear his song. I am meeting him on wednesday next week. Woot woot. .. . wish me luck. It is interesting. . . . .

OHH I remember why I wanted to blog in the first place. . . . well he kissed another guy. . .. and am sort of jelous but I shouldn't be because I don't even know him yet. . . . WOW I am really sad. . . woot woot . . . LOVES babes. . . I am in a good mood and I doing really good right now besides this little problem of the heart and figureing out what I do and DON'T want. . . Ideas?

Rose Paper Hearts

Kim get ready to disown me!!!

Where were you born? I was born somewhere over a rainbow. . . or Utah. . . take your pick.

Middle name: Albert, after my uncle and Grandpa. They both passed away not to long after I was born.

How old will you be this year? 20. . . wow that is odd to say. I will no longer be a teenager!!!

Nicknames: My family calls me Tatterhead or Rambo, but the people at school call me jellybean

Are you taller than your mother or father? Taller then my mommy, and shorter then my dad but not by much.

Do you cry often during movies? If they are emotional, yes I will cry.

Favorite color: A light deep green. I am also starting to become very parcial to the dark blues. Like midnights. . . ohh they all have there good attributes. Because I also love a dusky red.

Favorite foods: Anything that tastes good is my favorite.

Favorite cold cereal: Cinnomon toast crunch. . . but rearly eat cereal anymore.

Favorite smells: Now that is a very hard question. I love the smell of my colon mixed with my natural sent. That is a very good smell I think. And fresh laundry is very comforting also. . . downy. . . yup. . . and like I love this one flower. . . it is like a mix of gardina and jasmin.

Favorite time of day: Most def a sunday morning. Or saterday morning.

What brand of shampoo/conditioner do you use? One that works

Make-up products? Nope sorry. . . .make-up isn't my thing.

How many pillows do you sleep with? Too many I think, but at the same time never enough. . . 4.

Do you play an instrument? I play my voice, clarinets, and the french horn.

Have you ever been skinny dipping? Nope but I am going to have to try that sometime.

Did you do any sports in high school? Nope, unless you count Marching Band, because it is as good of one as any.

What was the last movie you saw in the theater? 27 dresses. Very good moive with some great lines.

What is your favorite article of clothing? I like shirts when they fit properly.

What is your dream vacation? Some place warm with lost to do and where I can just sit back and relax.

What was your first impression of your spouse? Don't have one and don't have a boyfriend either. . . .ohh well it is all good.

If you were an animal, what would you be? At home everyone says I am a dog but people here say that I am more of an otter.

What's your favorite "me-time" activity? Writing poetry. . .

What is your dream car? One that runs.

What is one of your weaknesses? Being alone. . . . it causes some really bad things for me.

What do you fix for dinner when there's nothing to fix? Go downstairs to the cafiteria.

If you could live in a different decade/era, which one would it be? One where honor ment something and heros were still needed.

What is the emotion you feel the most? Hummm. . . . I don't really know. I feel everything equally. Happiness, joy, exaustion, frustration, hope, passion, love, life, I feel them all. But the one that I love the most would have to be compassion. . . . I try to feel that one the most.

Do you consider yourself outgoing? When I am alone yes, when I am not, not so much.

What is something you are constantly working on? Being more me. . .and changing who I am just to fit the norms of where I am.

Any hidden talents? I can roll my tongue two ways, and wistel 4 different ways. But not really.

What is a word or phrase you overuse? I have got a clue. . . "You would do that"

What was the hardest thing that happened to you this past year? To realize that I am changing.

What is the best thing that happened to you this past year? Know that I am changing but not in a bad way.

What is one thing you hope to accomplish this year? Lose a bit more weight, I am starting to look okay, but there is more work to be done.

The best piece of advice you learned this year? UBU. . .you be you. . . and I didn't really learn that this year, but it did finally have a very strong meaning for me.

Who are the 6 people you are going to tag to do this survey? Only Kim and Chelsey read my blog and Kim as already done it and disowned me. . . .woot woot. . .. so Chelsey I am calling your number.

Hey everyone. . . .

I am not sure what I a feeling right now. And I have only a few min befor I have to leave for class. You know those moods where you are so happy you want to scream and laugh and jump. Well I am in one of those moods. But it is like only a covering or soemthing because I am still very grumpy if you only scratch the surface. Hummm. . .I wonder why it is odd. Because I really do want to be happy. Yesterday I was really happy. .. .. but I sort of had to play really happy. That is what my problem is . .. I had to fake happy when I was happy. That put me in a funk. Hilde was finally crashing. I think she was actally thinking about suicide. . . scary thought. But I know she would never do it. She was intertaining the idea of hummm I wonder sort of thing. That scared me so I really wanted to help her get out of it. I did succeed with flying colors. She was stressing out over her chemistry. Which I understand and it is really easy once you understand it, but no one ever understands it the same way. All I knew is that I know how Hilde works and she understands me so I worked as the best teacher for her. People try to make it over complicated and she was looking in to many places for help thus she was lost. Okay I understand that because she was stressed. And I got her through it . . . . I was happy about that I really was. But I hated knowing that I was trying to actually save her out of something much worse. That is why I had to play really happy and supportive. But it was nothing more then an act. . . the happy that I was in was one of watching movies or reading a good book and just being there, and that isn't want she needed. OHh well it is okay I did what I had to do and it went good now I am just sort of bitter I guess that I had to play a fake happy. That is never a good thing for me even though I do it really well. I actally play happy a lot here. It sort of makes me anrgy. I guess I do it so that people can know that I am a good person. I just don't want them to see my weak spots. I am still unsecure about that, because I don't know if they will use me or not. I didn't even know I was doing this till about right now so that is odd to think inwardly. Hummm. . . . I guess I just have to shead these layers and see if they like me or not. I mean they have seen the best of me, why shouldn't they see the worst of me like you guys have. After all that would give me a better idea of who is and who isn't worth my time. This one girl Molly took me to a ballet and that is what brought me out of my funk earlier this week and such. She is such a good person. I think everysingle one of you would get along with her. I really do like her lots. She is more then likely the first real friend that I have here. *sigh* now I have to go to class and do sudokus that way I can stay entertained and not fall asleep in my math class. I am happy now just to let you know. .. . I had to get it off my chest and be okay with it. .. . and it is amazing how talking it every healthy. I just hope this next week goes well. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. . .. love babe. . . . thank you.

I am tired and cold

Life is Beauty

Wasted away,
liveing for nothing
but this day.
Feel anything!

Notice the change.
Just a subtle shift,
across the broad range.
It's a spiritual lift.

Smile follows!
Raising embers,
with gold bellows.
Flame rembers.

Even the smallest light,
can seem to bright.
To people living in the darkness.



That is a bit of my view right now. I am tried and sort of depressed. I was doing really well untill this weekend hit. I went to a party it was fun, till alchol got there. Then it went down really fast as people started to get drunk. Ended up Allie was told off my Wade, and well that ended badly and Molly and I had to sit with her till 4 in the morning while she through up it all. And I had to carry her back to her own dorm. I ended up not getting to bed till like 5 in the morning. Ewwww. . . . anyway, yeah bascially I have to get my head back in the game as my dad would say. Okay here I go . ... lifting my spirits againt. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I just realized. . .

that some of my expectations are a little bit much. No joke you want to know what just ran through my head. I actually thought this. I was wondering about the world and how it was just moving way to fast and that I was starting to lose my balance. I actually though why can't I just stop the world. Then it would make that much more sense. But I wasn't actually thinking metaphorically. I really for a second thought that I could stop the world. Then I was like wait. . . I can't do that. But the simple fact that I thought that, made me think even more. Do I hold to to stong of values? Have I really set the bar to high for people? Is that why . . . . I always seem to compisating for where other people fail. Okay so like this all came to me a few days ago. I was reading this book and it helped me find a part of me or atleast explian why I do what I do. So the topic was respect. It was odd to read about it because the book explained it in a maner of why should anyone have to earn your respect because having to earn it emplies that it has worth. Something that is attuned to being better then theirs. So this also got me thinking about just giving people respect in every form or maner. I do that I said to myself. I really do but to gain my friendship they have to earn a higher level of respect right? So I was wondering if I just gave respect to everyone would it be better. So I am trying this out even more so then now. I think it might work. I really do. But again their was a flip side to this also. It means that people have to lose my respect also, and that I have to give them a fighting chance to do so. This came into play this weekend. Okay so you know Lindsey, Hilde's roommate, well we settled on the fact that she would ask me to leave if she ever had to roll, smoke or take out in anyway her pot in her room if I was there. We never had a single problem with this. One time I left as she was about to ask and she was like ohh yeah. . . sorry. And I left. What ever. But it happened again but now with my different take on values it change the ideals. So I waited and waited and even looked at her the whole time she was doing it and she laughed at me when I was looking at her. And she continued. . . . well anyway she never once said anything. . . and I resisted leaving to make sure that I gave her a fighting chance. But that was even the first straw that she pulled aginst me. I was looking at Hilde and just thinking about her and who she is and she took it as she shouldn't be drinking. Well, she wasn't drinking much so I was actually okay with it. But Lindsey tried to step in and tell that I shouldn't moniter her drinking and that she is a big girl and can take care of herself. Well first off I know all that, but it because I care that I want to make sure she doesn't go to far. Well anyway she stepped over the line with me telling me how to care for my friends. Then she challenged my very basic morals of that I will not drink and that I can't control everything. She was liek things are going to happen if they are going to happen. She basically slapped me in the face telling me that I can't change the world. I responded by saying that I can always try and hope for the best though. . . that made her shut up. I suspect that the only reason that she tries to bring me down is because I am someone that won't be brought down to her level. She is one of those people. That would make others fall then try herself. She could do so much better I think. And she is smart enough to actually try to pull me down. What I mean is that she is one of those people that is a social climber and is contious of trying to pull me down. Anyway, so I told Hilde about the whole pot rolling thing after she left to go do the deed and she said that she would talk to her and that she understood my point of view compleatly. For all the faults Hilde has I believe she atleast has a very strong sense of honor and pride. Anyway so the next day we were sitting in her room and we were just talking, I still have to be civil to her because she is hilde's roommate, and well she farted and just laughed at it. Well a few min later I burp. She turns to me in the most serious maner says to me . . . that is really rude of you and will you leave the next time you do that. I was flabbergasted. Even Hilde let her jaw drop. I was just like what ever. But Hilde is going to talk to her about this whole thing because it kind of silly. So all in all she was the first person to lose my respect. Ohh well right. Not a very big lose in my book. Woot woot. . . .

So anyway, loves you all and I am no longer homesick. It was just a minor bumb in the path that shook me more then it should have. I am also finding more friends I think. LOVES

Troubles

I am really sort of homesick right now. I don't know why. I wasn't befor. Well I was but I was able to deal with it. But I guess that is what happens when you let things build up. They eventually overcome you. I think that is what I have let happen. I am just tired and sad. I really sort of want to cry but I can't because I don't want to. It would show a weakness that I can't afford right now. Or atleast it would be a weakness to me right now. I am a total hippocrite. I was just telling Hilde that she shouldn't hold things in about missing her family and she should just bear her heart. I told her to let herself cry and she did and she is better now. Yet here I am on the verge of a brake down and I can't let it happen. To breakdown is bad because it would me that I wasn't good enough and crying would be silly because it had to happen and I had to leave. I should just get over it. OMG I can't listen to myself. I have no clue what I am doing right now. I have lost the path that is me. I knew who I was and what I wanted. I am still that same person. . . but I have been so focused on trying to help other people that I have forgotten myself behind them. I don't know what to say to myself. If I was any sort of intelligent I would let myself feel again and get over it in time. After it does take time to heal all wounds. But I don't want to hurt right now. I am just so tired. So the conclusion to my ramblings is that I am going to go and just think for a bit. . . . about everything and fix this little problem that seems to be causeing so me so much pain. Wow now only if I would listen to what I am saying to myself. . . I am my own worst enemy.

The song

This is me not wanting to do my homework. So I will write a blog about things instead. BRB my sister just got on-line and I miss her. Okay now that I can talk, lets talk about what has been happening to me because I think I have reached a change. No I don't think I have. . . I know that is what has happened to me. So I told you that I found a part of my song. It was odd. I was in an odd mood in general and well I felt sort of epic is the only way to put it. I felt like nothing was going to stop me. Nothing was ever going to hold me back again. It was a very good feeling. I felt confident. Anyway then I started talking with this guy Wade that I know and I told him I all I knew about him from his song and he was sort of freaked out and I could tell a bit hurt from it. But he was glad that I told him how it was. He is that kind of guy. Anyway, and then I had a talk with Chelsey and it just sort of hit me. It was crazy. I heard it. Loud and clear. It was also partly from the music I was listening to. It was very emotional music. Well that combination of things triggered my song. I wasn't listening and it happened. It was crazy. It is still blowing my mind. Anyway.

So anyway it had more to do with my mood of thought then anything. I desribed once that the way I think was sort of a big black room with things flouting by that I can grab at and use or things that I can't. Well this song brought it all into focus. It was like I finally put glasses on. It was odd. The room became a huge dome place. It is indoors but outdoors at the same time. It is inclosed but there is wind, grass, trees, and it is all open. It is a feild. It is dark for sure. You can see the stars. They are sparkling and twinkling all the time. But it is odd you can make these stars in the sky come as close or as far away as you want. Everything I will ever need is there but it is choosing the right one to look at is the hardest part. You can see whole galaxies, commets, plantes. . . everything. It is all grander then life and it the very fabic of it. It grand and huge. But you feel safe here. It is the place that is met to me. That is a really poor expination of what I see and it doesn't give off all the right feelings. You can just lay back, fall asleep, laugh, and just be safe and do as you place. It is a really nice feeling. It is comfort.

There is just so much that I want to say about it. . . . but I can't right now I am talking with my sister still and well she is bringing things up that are hard to swollow about how much I am changing. It hurts. I don't want to change. It hurts. Anyway. . . . I have to be gone. Homework to do and people to help. love

Odd

I found a third part to my song. I think I finally see what everyone else sees in me. I will elaborate later. Woot woot.

The world is happy or atleast it should be.

Hello dearlings. How is everyone? I feel bad because I had an amazing day yesterday and didn't really get to share the amazingness with anyone. It is sort of sad, but okay anyway. So I guess I will elaborate on the amazingness. I don't know my classes are going to be really easy. My chem class is stuff that I have already learned because I dropped down into the easier stuff. It is okay though because it is the stuff that I need to be learning. Woot woot. Then my Calculus is going to be really easy and such. I can't wait. Then I was stressing about not being able to get in to the top undergraduate choir here. I was afraid and nervouse and ended up getting in to the choir. It was fun. It was crazy singing with a choir that was actually a choir. Omgosh the sound was amazing. It sounded like music. It was a bit strong for my taste and I like the the sound of a soft choir. But it is all good. I am just glad that I get to add to the sound. Be able to say that I am part of it. Woot woot. Next the most random and sort of amazing thing happened to me. I was walking down the hall to go get food or something and I was walking behind this guy. I cought him catching a glance at me but I didn't really see his face. I walk for a little bit longer but his song sounded VERY familiar. It was going to drive me nuts. Then I figured out who it was. I chuckled and was like Jon Mears? He turned around and said hi. It was crazy seeing him. He has changed a LOT!!!! Anyone looking at him now will think GAY!!! No joke. He had a strut also. It was really funny. He looked good but kind of slutty also. It was odd. I was sort of baffaled by him. Anyway the conversation lasted for a few min because he had to go some were. Nextly I went on a walk with Hilde to go get books. The grand total was 418. It was crazy. And that was buying one of them used. One I tried to buy used but they didn't have any. It was sad. It wasn't amazing spending money but it was fun to talk with Hilde. I feel bad for her. She isn't going to have a very good quarter. She is trying to fill her days with tons of things to do and to meet people. When she SHOULD be sleeping and trying to STUDY like she said she would. She is crazy but it is all good. Ohh well. .. . she will see eventually. Woot woot. Anyway it was a really amazing day yesterday and today was good also. I went to the gym and it was actually fun to work out. Ohhh man I think the world is starting to look up again. Woot woot.