Hey everyone, I am in a very thankful mood right now.
What puts me in that mood should you ask? Let me tell you.
1. I am at my home. I love is here. Even if it is the last time I will more then likely step foot in THIS home, but my home will always be with my family. I am just going to miss it. After all I did sort of grow up in this house.
2. I got my grades in school. I did a lot better then I thought I would. Which I am proud of. It lightens my heart to know that I am doing something with my life. Granted I know that I shouldn't need a few little grades to know that, but sometimes they are a beacon when your mind gets lost.
3. I think I honestly found a good guy. He goes to the University of Puget Sound. Not an easy school to get into. It is in northern Tacoma, so it isn't that far away. He makes trips to Seattle often. Not only that, but like he doesn't drink heavely, and no drugs at all. He isn't all the way out of the closest, but that is okay because he is doing it slowly. And in very much the same manner that I did. But get this, he is actually still a virgin. I know that, you might think that is nothing special, but in the homosexual community, it is a very small minority. As of now I know two of them. Me and him at the age of 19. I don't know, he is just a really good guy. You should read some of the stuff we have talked about. Such as good verses bad. Basically he gives with the hope of someday getting it all back again. Sound familiar? Woot woot, but I am not going to get my hopes up. Because to many times that is my downfall. Right.
Is it just me or does the future look really bright right now or what? Everyone it finding there path. Kim, you have God, I mean I true and honest connection with him. I envy that about you, but I am SO glad that you do. It gives you strength where I know none. Tia, you are finially figureing out what you want to do in life. Nia, she is getting out on her own. Hilde and Mandy, they are already on there way. For a long time I always thought that I was stuck in a rut comparred to all of you. Never really changing, or moving, but I see that isn't true. I have always been growing, shaping who I am today. With the help and love of each and everyone of you out there. It makes me happy to know that I do have a net. I think about all the people out there that have no one to count on when the times get tough, and it hurts. I couldn't funtion without something or someone to catch me if I should fall. And I have before.
I think that is partly why I liked Alec. He needed and needs me. Granted I can only be his friend and at times that is even a bit trying. He has little to no family that actually cares for him, because he is one of those classic gay kids that is rejected by the family. Has no friends, because he pushes them away with his attitude, even I am put off by him sometimes. I don't think I could ever live like that. See what I mean though. So I will be there, because I should and want to. After all even the smallest of candles can light up a dark room.
Lastly I watched the most amazing movie ever. August Rush. Anyone that can appreciat music and life, would love this movie. For me it sort of hit a nerve, a very good nerve. At the end of it. . . . I am pretty sure that my fingernails had goose bumbs. It was such a good movie that I almost crieds because it was so good and it had to end. I really suggest that you watch the movie!!!
Anyway, so that is why I am happy right now. Not estatic, but happy. It is the best feeling right now. I have been putting on a hard shell that is happy, but it doesn't beat with my heart. This one does and I can feel it pluse with it. I just want to share it with everyone. I really do. So here you can have some happy also, *throws arms open for a hug*. . . loves dearhearts. I miss you all like crazy, but we will all be togeather soon!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Midnight Rambles
This is just another of my . . . rants/thoughts . . . so you have been warned.
I don't really know what I want to talk about right now. I am a mood right now. A good, thankful, happy, sad, mood. Mostly I am sad because I am happy. Wow that sounds really messed up. I don't know I am sad because I am so happy when others are not. I am really effected by the people around me. And EVERYONE is unhappy and miserable. I am not at all. I am happy to be just where I am. Once again I see people falling all around me and yet like always I stay. I don't know I saw people flare at the beggining of college and that got me down sort of. But now that I am up to where they are they are falling down. It makes me sad that they couldn't be where I am right now in this moment in time. They stress and worry about mundain things that in the grander scheme of things doesn't really matter to me. The world is so much bigger then how you did on your math final, or chem final, or any final. They don't really matter, other then face value, do they. Granted they help define, but it isn't the deffintion. You can't tell a dimonds shape and color, but looking at just the casing. There is so much more to people then they will ever know even about themselves and that makes me sad that they don't see there worth.
That thought and idea has been getting to me a lot lately. The thought that peole worry about the sillyest of small things. People have this need to define every single little aspect of there lives to help them make it threw one more day. My question is, why live for just one more day, when you have a life to lead?
I wonder why people commit murder, steal, rob, lie, and in general are just mean, and I have came to the conclusion that they did it because they got something out of it. I know that this answer seems like the obvious answer. But it wasn't to me. I wanted to believe that people could and would live for more then just there ownself. I even hate talking about this because i feel like I am surving myself but talking about a subject like this. Like I am trying to put myself on a higher pedistol then even I should be. Because I can be mean also at times. I lie, and hurt people. Sometimes I mean to, other times I don't mean to. I would like to say that I have never willfully caused pain. But some where I more then likely have. And that hurts me to think about. I wasn't thinking. So what brought this whole notion up. Well I was talking with this guy Dwayne, and well we were talking about self defence. About weither or not if we could kill someone if it was between yourself or the other? I couldn't give an answer.
I have often thought about just that. About if I could act when I needed to. I have run threw senerious where some masked gunman run a raid on a school and what i would do to stop it. I would like to think that I would be the hero of the school and try to save people. And I would do just that. I look back at all my dreams of being a hero and I never killed the murder of bad guy. I always uncounsiouly desided that I would just lame him or her. I don't think I could ever kill someone. If it was me and just one other people in a fight, I still wouldn't beable to do it. It is odd to think that. That a strangers life, a "bad" persons life, more important to me then even my own. That is what I was wondering. Because everyone else I have asked would take the others life. And they tell me that I would think differently if I was actually faced with the choice, and I don't think I would. I really don't think I would.
Does that make me better in anyway. That life should mean more to me then living?
I don't understand it. I can't come to the conclusion of this delema because I don't think I will ever be put to the test. And I really hope that I never will be, because that would mean that I will be faced with something evil. I honest to God hope I never have to be put in a choice. My heart goes out to all those people that have ever had to chose, or saw a choice. I am having a hard time just thinking about the implications of such an action, without ever haveing lived it.
So now that I got that out for a little bit of thought. I wonder how people wonder and worry about a math test when in reality those are not the tests that you should be worrying about. You should worry about how you would act. What defines the dimond that is you. The moral fiber. Is it gosimer, is it steel, or is it a mix? Can anyone tell that I have been doing a little bit of soul searching?
The thing about this school is that it has opened doors that were never even existant before when I lived in the Tri-cities. A city makes you see all that is possible in a more defined an clear way.
You all thought that I saw the world differently, that I saw the bad and good and still chose to only see the good. Or atleast Tia, that is what you once said to me. And well in reality I don't think I ever really saw the bad. I mean I saw a faction of it. I really did. I will give that much, but I never saw its color, or smelled its stench, or heard its scream. And yet I keep going strong because of a strength. I want to say God is keeping me going, but I am not sure about that. I know it is made by God. I do know that, but I am not sure if it is God the person. You know what I mean. I feel like God cares about me, but that I am such a small peice of the world that I shouldn't warent his care dirrectly. I know you guys think he does, but I don't think so. I think he just gives us the tools to cope. It seems to fit so much better to me. The idea that God gave to me my ideals and personality to help me move threw the world. He gave me the strength and will to keep moving one foot infront of the other. But I can chose to not use those gifts that I am given, but I do. You know what I mean.
Kim you know how I described my mood of thought. It gets greener and greener till I get to a small white light, never seeing out of it. I think I just did. I am not sure though. Odd. I don't know what to think right now. I am done for the night. My head hurts. But I feel much better for just getting all my thoughts out of my head. Sorry, if any of this doesn't make sense of is disconcerting to you. It is purely what I have been thinking. I did warn you not to read. Loves babes.
I don't really know what I want to talk about right now. I am a mood right now. A good, thankful, happy, sad, mood. Mostly I am sad because I am happy. Wow that sounds really messed up. I don't know I am sad because I am so happy when others are not. I am really effected by the people around me. And EVERYONE is unhappy and miserable. I am not at all. I am happy to be just where I am. Once again I see people falling all around me and yet like always I stay. I don't know I saw people flare at the beggining of college and that got me down sort of. But now that I am up to where they are they are falling down. It makes me sad that they couldn't be where I am right now in this moment in time. They stress and worry about mundain things that in the grander scheme of things doesn't really matter to me. The world is so much bigger then how you did on your math final, or chem final, or any final. They don't really matter, other then face value, do they. Granted they help define, but it isn't the deffintion. You can't tell a dimonds shape and color, but looking at just the casing. There is so much more to people then they will ever know even about themselves and that makes me sad that they don't see there worth.
That thought and idea has been getting to me a lot lately. The thought that peole worry about the sillyest of small things. People have this need to define every single little aspect of there lives to help them make it threw one more day. My question is, why live for just one more day, when you have a life to lead?
I wonder why people commit murder, steal, rob, lie, and in general are just mean, and I have came to the conclusion that they did it because they got something out of it. I know that this answer seems like the obvious answer. But it wasn't to me. I wanted to believe that people could and would live for more then just there ownself. I even hate talking about this because i feel like I am surving myself but talking about a subject like this. Like I am trying to put myself on a higher pedistol then even I should be. Because I can be mean also at times. I lie, and hurt people. Sometimes I mean to, other times I don't mean to. I would like to say that I have never willfully caused pain. But some where I more then likely have. And that hurts me to think about. I wasn't thinking. So what brought this whole notion up. Well I was talking with this guy Dwayne, and well we were talking about self defence. About weither or not if we could kill someone if it was between yourself or the other? I couldn't give an answer.
I have often thought about just that. About if I could act when I needed to. I have run threw senerious where some masked gunman run a raid on a school and what i would do to stop it. I would like to think that I would be the hero of the school and try to save people. And I would do just that. I look back at all my dreams of being a hero and I never killed the murder of bad guy. I always uncounsiouly desided that I would just lame him or her. I don't think I could ever kill someone. If it was me and just one other people in a fight, I still wouldn't beable to do it. It is odd to think that. That a strangers life, a "bad" persons life, more important to me then even my own. That is what I was wondering. Because everyone else I have asked would take the others life. And they tell me that I would think differently if I was actually faced with the choice, and I don't think I would. I really don't think I would.
Does that make me better in anyway. That life should mean more to me then living?
I don't understand it. I can't come to the conclusion of this delema because I don't think I will ever be put to the test. And I really hope that I never will be, because that would mean that I will be faced with something evil. I honest to God hope I never have to be put in a choice. My heart goes out to all those people that have ever had to chose, or saw a choice. I am having a hard time just thinking about the implications of such an action, without ever haveing lived it.
So now that I got that out for a little bit of thought. I wonder how people wonder and worry about a math test when in reality those are not the tests that you should be worrying about. You should worry about how you would act. What defines the dimond that is you. The moral fiber. Is it gosimer, is it steel, or is it a mix? Can anyone tell that I have been doing a little bit of soul searching?
The thing about this school is that it has opened doors that were never even existant before when I lived in the Tri-cities. A city makes you see all that is possible in a more defined an clear way.
You all thought that I saw the world differently, that I saw the bad and good and still chose to only see the good. Or atleast Tia, that is what you once said to me. And well in reality I don't think I ever really saw the bad. I mean I saw a faction of it. I really did. I will give that much, but I never saw its color, or smelled its stench, or heard its scream. And yet I keep going strong because of a strength. I want to say God is keeping me going, but I am not sure about that. I know it is made by God. I do know that, but I am not sure if it is God the person. You know what I mean. I feel like God cares about me, but that I am such a small peice of the world that I shouldn't warent his care dirrectly. I know you guys think he does, but I don't think so. I think he just gives us the tools to cope. It seems to fit so much better to me. The idea that God gave to me my ideals and personality to help me move threw the world. He gave me the strength and will to keep moving one foot infront of the other. But I can chose to not use those gifts that I am given, but I do. You know what I mean.
Kim you know how I described my mood of thought. It gets greener and greener till I get to a small white light, never seeing out of it. I think I just did. I am not sure though. Odd. I don't know what to think right now. I am done for the night. My head hurts. But I feel much better for just getting all my thoughts out of my head. Sorry, if any of this doesn't make sense of is disconcerting to you. It is purely what I have been thinking. I did warn you not to read. Loves babes.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Almost there!
I just wrote out a really long blog, and it was like NO ERROR!!!
Sum
- Downtown Shows went well and had a song dedicated to the choir. It was pretty.
-New boy intrest. Handsome and Charming, and actually available
-Philosophy class is NOT FUN, and I am going to fail it.
-Life is good, but busy!
~Branden~
Sum
- Downtown Shows went well and had a song dedicated to the choir. It was pretty.
-New boy intrest. Handsome and Charming, and actually available
-Philosophy class is NOT FUN, and I am going to fail it.
-Life is good, but busy!
~Branden~
Thursday, March 6, 2008
SING!!
No I don't want to. .. . AKA my time is non-existant right now. I have NONE!!! Okay five choir preformances in four days. Parents coming up!!! A paper to write, homework and finals to study for!!! I think I might actually freak out. NOT TO MENTION I WANT TO KNOW HOW I DID ON THE PHIOLSOPHY CRAP. . . I am pretty sure I failed it. I just want to make sure that I did. I am losing my voice for the preformances. It is not good. We are singing with the Seattle Symphony and it si scary. They are AMAZING and here I am not worthy of there skill. AHHHH. . . . and Bayarona Hall in downtown Seattle is AMAZING!!! Just hearing the sound of my footsteps in the hall gave me chills. The sound of us singing or the symphony was almost to much for me. I am so freaking blessed. I just have to get over the stress and get to that fact, and I will be good. I just need to get there. LOL!!! Okay so yeah, sorry if I seem distant for the next two weeks. I love you all, it is just crazy busy!!! AHHHH I am late for class. OHHH POOP!!!
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Midnight Talking!
It is a bad idea for me to write this late at night. Not to mention and getting slowly more and more annoyed at my roommate to is WHITE but thinks he is ganster. He is a wanabe of a wanabe ganster. Not to mention he thinks he knows EVERYTHING!!! It makes me angry. He thinks he is a player and really good with the CHICKS, but I don't understand where he thinks this. I mean he actually told me that he understands women. He was like you know how everyone says that women don't really know what they want. I was like sure. But they actually do know what they want it is just that they wont tell you because they expect that you should know what and how to do everything. They want you to wow them more or less. He looks at me and is like I know that you are gay and everything and more then likely have more insight then most guys, but you are wrong. I was like okay, then what is it. He was like it is easy. Woment want to be told what they want. You have to make the choice for them. I was like trust me that is most defentally NOT what they want. Then the conversation ended with a bunch of other odd and dumb things he said.
Hahahaa. . . okay now that I have that out of my system. Life update. I am tired. Not even metiphorically. I am just sleepy. I am good though. Nothing to complain about. But I have a story to tell you all. Well I was going to meet up with Alec as a friend and such, but he ended up cancaling on me again because he didn't want to have to pay the gas. Which is cool because gas is crazy expensive right now. Well anyway, I was like what ever now I don't really care. I desided that he really doesn't have a good personality anyway. He is to fire and ice for even a friendship. It is just crazy. But he is still a good person. But now that I am uninterested and unavalible because i haven't been hanging on his every word. He is really trying to meet me now. It makes me laugh. Anyway, that is my story now. Not to mention, . . . .. . I just lost my train of thought. Woot woot. . . I guess that is a Branden clue that he should go to bed. Yup I think that is what I am going to go and do. RIGHT AFTER I GET DANE TO TURN OFF HIS BLOODY RAP CRAP, AND NOT TRY TO MAKE MUSIC WITH A LOUD BASE AND BAD GUITAR!!! Gerrrr. . . can you tell he is getting on my nearvs. !!!
OHH i remember what I was going to say. I am actually going to start up with music again. I CAN'T wait. . . .I talked with the horn professor, and he was like yeah I could loan you a horn. YEYEYEYEYEYEY!!! I am super stoked for that. YEY. . . . bed. . . you call me!
Hahahaa. . . okay now that I have that out of my system. Life update. I am tired. Not even metiphorically. I am just sleepy. I am good though. Nothing to complain about. But I have a story to tell you all. Well I was going to meet up with Alec as a friend and such, but he ended up cancaling on me again because he didn't want to have to pay the gas. Which is cool because gas is crazy expensive right now. Well anyway, I was like what ever now I don't really care. I desided that he really doesn't have a good personality anyway. He is to fire and ice for even a friendship. It is just crazy. But he is still a good person. But now that I am uninterested and unavalible because i haven't been hanging on his every word. He is really trying to meet me now. It makes me laugh. Anyway, that is my story now. Not to mention, . . . .. . I just lost my train of thought. Woot woot. . . I guess that is a Branden clue that he should go to bed. Yup I think that is what I am going to go and do. RIGHT AFTER I GET DANE TO TURN OFF HIS BLOODY RAP CRAP, AND NOT TRY TO MAKE MUSIC WITH A LOUD BASE AND BAD GUITAR!!! Gerrrr. . . can you tell he is getting on my nearvs. !!!
OHH i remember what I was going to say. I am actually going to start up with music again. I CAN'T wait. . . .I talked with the horn professor, and he was like yeah I could loan you a horn. YEYEYEYEYEYEY!!! I am super stoked for that. YEY. . . . bed. . . you call me!
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