Waiting. . .

Well it has finally happened. . .I am home. I am finally home and not stressed at all. I am calm and happy for more reasons then just purely the fact that I am home. It is a strange feeling. I feel like something is better, and at the same time I know exactuly what it is and why I shouldn't be feeling like this. . .well sort of . . I don't know exactly what I am trying to say. So I am home but I wish horribly that I was still in Seattle. I miss my friends there really badly. . . and there are so much drama here. My family is knots and twists with the valdez family because of little stuff that has just built up. Everyone wants to talk and no one listens over here. So that is all I have been doing. Listening to pent up emotion from all parties. I am okay with that. I feel like I am finally giving them an outlet. . . I don't know . . . I am just glad that I can help because I can feel the lines smoothing slowly. Like they don't really know how to keep themselves in check. . .like I haven't been doing it so it isn't nearly as good as it was. . .I don't know I am not really sure though. It will all be good by the end of summer. I can feel that for sure. I feel like everything really will actually work its self out.

You know I have been telling myself things like, it is all good, no worries, if it happens it happens, wait, good things will happen in time. . . things like that, for a very long time. I have told myself things like that for a very long time. Yet when I was about to give up hope. . . look at what happens. I finally get pulled in the direction I was heading the whole time. I was just losing sight of it. What I am talking about is that my life, my heart are finally being taken care of in a way that I didn't think possible. . . I have a boyfriend and that sort of chokes me up saying it, or even thinking it. I have a really beautiful and amazing boyfriend. His name is Jon and he is in all the same situations as I was. I really do believe in fate and distany now. There were so many times that we almost met. Our friends over lab, and our events that we went to . . . everything just was off. I don't know it was odd. . . I can count many times where we almost met. . . Yet here we are. . boyfriends now. Starting summer and our relationship away from eachother. We had a week togeather and now three months apart. I think this is how it is ment to happen. I don't know I just see it all now in a better way. I feel stronger. I love all the love that you guys give me, but it can't be something like a lover's love. I see the difference. I know I more then likely sound silly and young right now but in all perposes. . .I really am. Here I am 19 years old and with my first boyfriend. I don't know . . . hummm. . . yeah. . . interesting feeling. I feel like my heart would burst the cage I put it into right now. I locked it way away because I didn't want it to be hurt. I didn't know how very buried my heart really was. I am seeing it now and I am sorry that i haven't been the real me. I just needed a boost and now I have it. ..and hopefully I will have it for awhile. . . but sadly I am already starting to brase myself for the fall. I guess it is just habit. It is bound to happen. I can't fly this high for this long. It has only been a week of bliss and I am already expecting the worst. . . I don't know I feel like I can't keep the attention of someone for very long romantically. I wish I could. . . humm. . .yeah . . .but I think he is going to be AMAZING or me. . . to know that fianlly someone wants to invest themselves into me in the same way I want to invest myself into them. . . humm. . yeah just a strange feeling. A good one. . .but strange. You know the amazing part though. He has never had a boyfriend, I was his first kiss even. . . I don't know he really is . . .just as young as I am in all senses. So I feel like we are going to grow a lot togeather. And that is something that I feel like I will never forget. I feel that even if this never worked out in the long run that we can teach eachother something important. . . I hope we can atleast. Yeah. . well I am going to go to bed more then likely with the butterflies in my tummy. . . yeah. . . just a good feeling. . .you are right Kim. . I feel more wood then I have ever before. I didn't know what you ment before. I had an idea but even other people are noticing the difference in me. . . it is a good feeling. Like he is all I really needed. . . Yeah. . . hummm. . .but you know what. . .butterflies were not at the start. . .they had to grow. . that is why I think that this might work. There is TONS of room for growth in us and we see that. . . yeah no sure though. Anyway LOVES babes!! . . woot woot. . .

For once I can say good things really do come to those who chose to wait. . .

Realiaztion

I don't want to go home because I am going to miss all the people here. I reallyhave become good friends with some of them. Nothing like the ones at home, but at home I am comfortable and there are people there that I will always be friends with NO MATTER what happens in the long run. But I also feel that home isn't really home anymore it is just a house and a place to stay while I see my friends and family for a long time. I don't know I am just sort of in a inbetween state right now. I am also going on a date tonight. Not like anything can come out of it beause really I can't let anything come out of it. Not this close to summer atleast. But i can set some ground work for next year. I don't know I just . . .blah. .and my dad wants me to go with him to the dunes not a day after I get back from college. He says that is going to be my one trip this summer. . so I am like OMG really? I don't want to go straight from a truck to a moterhome with my dad and not get to see my sister for a few days more!! GERRR. . oh well I will figure things out. . I always do!! Yup yup!!