Rose Paper Hearts

Kim get ready to disown me!!!

Where were you born? I was born somewhere over a rainbow. . . or Utah. . . take your pick.

Middle name: Albert, after my uncle and Grandpa. They both passed away not to long after I was born.

How old will you be this year? 20. . . wow that is odd to say. I will no longer be a teenager!!!

Nicknames: My family calls me Tatterhead or Rambo, but the people at school call me jellybean

Are you taller than your mother or father? Taller then my mommy, and shorter then my dad but not by much.

Do you cry often during movies? If they are emotional, yes I will cry.

Favorite color: A light deep green. I am also starting to become very parcial to the dark blues. Like midnights. . . ohh they all have there good attributes. Because I also love a dusky red.

Favorite foods: Anything that tastes good is my favorite.

Favorite cold cereal: Cinnomon toast crunch. . . but rearly eat cereal anymore.

Favorite smells: Now that is a very hard question. I love the smell of my colon mixed with my natural sent. That is a very good smell I think. And fresh laundry is very comforting also. . . downy. . . yup. . . and like I love this one flower. . . it is like a mix of gardina and jasmin.

Favorite time of day: Most def a sunday morning. Or saterday morning.

What brand of shampoo/conditioner do you use? One that works

Make-up products? Nope sorry. . . .make-up isn't my thing.

How many pillows do you sleep with? Too many I think, but at the same time never enough. . . 4.

Do you play an instrument? I play my voice, clarinets, and the french horn.

Have you ever been skinny dipping? Nope but I am going to have to try that sometime.

Did you do any sports in high school? Nope, unless you count Marching Band, because it is as good of one as any.

What was the last movie you saw in the theater? 27 dresses. Very good moive with some great lines.

What is your favorite article of clothing? I like shirts when they fit properly.

What is your dream vacation? Some place warm with lost to do and where I can just sit back and relax.

What was your first impression of your spouse? Don't have one and don't have a boyfriend either. . . .ohh well it is all good.

If you were an animal, what would you be? At home everyone says I am a dog but people here say that I am more of an otter.

What's your favorite "me-time" activity? Writing poetry. . .

What is your dream car? One that runs.

What is one of your weaknesses? Being alone. . . . it causes some really bad things for me.

What do you fix for dinner when there's nothing to fix? Go downstairs to the cafiteria.

If you could live in a different decade/era, which one would it be? One where honor ment something and heros were still needed.

What is the emotion you feel the most? Hummm. . . . I don't really know. I feel everything equally. Happiness, joy, exaustion, frustration, hope, passion, love, life, I feel them all. But the one that I love the most would have to be compassion. . . . I try to feel that one the most.

Do you consider yourself outgoing? When I am alone yes, when I am not, not so much.

What is something you are constantly working on? Being more me. . .and changing who I am just to fit the norms of where I am.

Any hidden talents? I can roll my tongue two ways, and wistel 4 different ways. But not really.

What is a word or phrase you overuse? I have got a clue. . . "You would do that"

What was the hardest thing that happened to you this past year? To realize that I am changing.

What is the best thing that happened to you this past year? Know that I am changing but not in a bad way.

What is one thing you hope to accomplish this year? Lose a bit more weight, I am starting to look okay, but there is more work to be done.

The best piece of advice you learned this year? UBU. . .you be you. . . and I didn't really learn that this year, but it did finally have a very strong meaning for me.

Who are the 6 people you are going to tag to do this survey? Only Kim and Chelsey read my blog and Kim as already done it and disowned me. . . .woot woot. . .. so Chelsey I am calling your number.

Hey everyone. . . .

I am not sure what I a feeling right now. And I have only a few min befor I have to leave for class. You know those moods where you are so happy you want to scream and laugh and jump. Well I am in one of those moods. But it is like only a covering or soemthing because I am still very grumpy if you only scratch the surface. Hummm. . .I wonder why it is odd. Because I really do want to be happy. Yesterday I was really happy. .. .. but I sort of had to play really happy. That is what my problem is . .. I had to fake happy when I was happy. That put me in a funk. Hilde was finally crashing. I think she was actally thinking about suicide. . . scary thought. But I know she would never do it. She was intertaining the idea of hummm I wonder sort of thing. That scared me so I really wanted to help her get out of it. I did succeed with flying colors. She was stressing out over her chemistry. Which I understand and it is really easy once you understand it, but no one ever understands it the same way. All I knew is that I know how Hilde works and she understands me so I worked as the best teacher for her. People try to make it over complicated and she was looking in to many places for help thus she was lost. Okay I understand that because she was stressed. And I got her through it . . . . I was happy about that I really was. But I hated knowing that I was trying to actually save her out of something much worse. That is why I had to play really happy and supportive. But it was nothing more then an act. . . the happy that I was in was one of watching movies or reading a good book and just being there, and that isn't want she needed. OHh well it is okay I did what I had to do and it went good now I am just sort of bitter I guess that I had to play a fake happy. That is never a good thing for me even though I do it really well. I actally play happy a lot here. It sort of makes me anrgy. I guess I do it so that people can know that I am a good person. I just don't want them to see my weak spots. I am still unsecure about that, because I don't know if they will use me or not. I didn't even know I was doing this till about right now so that is odd to think inwardly. Hummm. . . . I guess I just have to shead these layers and see if they like me or not. I mean they have seen the best of me, why shouldn't they see the worst of me like you guys have. After all that would give me a better idea of who is and who isn't worth my time. This one girl Molly took me to a ballet and that is what brought me out of my funk earlier this week and such. She is such a good person. I think everysingle one of you would get along with her. I really do like her lots. She is more then likely the first real friend that I have here. *sigh* now I have to go to class and do sudokus that way I can stay entertained and not fall asleep in my math class. I am happy now just to let you know. .. . I had to get it off my chest and be okay with it. .. . and it is amazing how talking it every healthy. I just hope this next week goes well. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. . .. love babe. . . . thank you.

I am tired and cold

Life is Beauty

Wasted away,
liveing for nothing
but this day.
Feel anything!

Notice the change.
Just a subtle shift,
across the broad range.
It's a spiritual lift.

Smile follows!
Raising embers,
with gold bellows.
Flame rembers.

Even the smallest light,
can seem to bright.
To people living in the darkness.



That is a bit of my view right now. I am tried and sort of depressed. I was doing really well untill this weekend hit. I went to a party it was fun, till alchol got there. Then it went down really fast as people started to get drunk. Ended up Allie was told off my Wade, and well that ended badly and Molly and I had to sit with her till 4 in the morning while she through up it all. And I had to carry her back to her own dorm. I ended up not getting to bed till like 5 in the morning. Ewwww. . . . anyway, yeah bascially I have to get my head back in the game as my dad would say. Okay here I go . ... lifting my spirits againt. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I just realized. . .

that some of my expectations are a little bit much. No joke you want to know what just ran through my head. I actually thought this. I was wondering about the world and how it was just moving way to fast and that I was starting to lose my balance. I actually though why can't I just stop the world. Then it would make that much more sense. But I wasn't actually thinking metaphorically. I really for a second thought that I could stop the world. Then I was like wait. . . I can't do that. But the simple fact that I thought that, made me think even more. Do I hold to to stong of values? Have I really set the bar to high for people? Is that why . . . . I always seem to compisating for where other people fail. Okay so like this all came to me a few days ago. I was reading this book and it helped me find a part of me or atleast explian why I do what I do. So the topic was respect. It was odd to read about it because the book explained it in a maner of why should anyone have to earn your respect because having to earn it emplies that it has worth. Something that is attuned to being better then theirs. So this also got me thinking about just giving people respect in every form or maner. I do that I said to myself. I really do but to gain my friendship they have to earn a higher level of respect right? So I was wondering if I just gave respect to everyone would it be better. So I am trying this out even more so then now. I think it might work. I really do. But again their was a flip side to this also. It means that people have to lose my respect also, and that I have to give them a fighting chance to do so. This came into play this weekend. Okay so you know Lindsey, Hilde's roommate, well we settled on the fact that she would ask me to leave if she ever had to roll, smoke or take out in anyway her pot in her room if I was there. We never had a single problem with this. One time I left as she was about to ask and she was like ohh yeah. . . sorry. And I left. What ever. But it happened again but now with my different take on values it change the ideals. So I waited and waited and even looked at her the whole time she was doing it and she laughed at me when I was looking at her. And she continued. . . . well anyway she never once said anything. . . and I resisted leaving to make sure that I gave her a fighting chance. But that was even the first straw that she pulled aginst me. I was looking at Hilde and just thinking about her and who she is and she took it as she shouldn't be drinking. Well, she wasn't drinking much so I was actually okay with it. But Lindsey tried to step in and tell that I shouldn't moniter her drinking and that she is a big girl and can take care of herself. Well first off I know all that, but it because I care that I want to make sure she doesn't go to far. Well anyway she stepped over the line with me telling me how to care for my friends. Then she challenged my very basic morals of that I will not drink and that I can't control everything. She was liek things are going to happen if they are going to happen. She basically slapped me in the face telling me that I can't change the world. I responded by saying that I can always try and hope for the best though. . . that made her shut up. I suspect that the only reason that she tries to bring me down is because I am someone that won't be brought down to her level. She is one of those people. That would make others fall then try herself. She could do so much better I think. And she is smart enough to actually try to pull me down. What I mean is that she is one of those people that is a social climber and is contious of trying to pull me down. Anyway, so I told Hilde about the whole pot rolling thing after she left to go do the deed and she said that she would talk to her and that she understood my point of view compleatly. For all the faults Hilde has I believe she atleast has a very strong sense of honor and pride. Anyway so the next day we were sitting in her room and we were just talking, I still have to be civil to her because she is hilde's roommate, and well she farted and just laughed at it. Well a few min later I burp. She turns to me in the most serious maner says to me . . . that is really rude of you and will you leave the next time you do that. I was flabbergasted. Even Hilde let her jaw drop. I was just like what ever. But Hilde is going to talk to her about this whole thing because it kind of silly. So all in all she was the first person to lose my respect. Ohh well right. Not a very big lose in my book. Woot woot. . . .

So anyway, loves you all and I am no longer homesick. It was just a minor bumb in the path that shook me more then it should have. I am also finding more friends I think. LOVES

Troubles

I am really sort of homesick right now. I don't know why. I wasn't befor. Well I was but I was able to deal with it. But I guess that is what happens when you let things build up. They eventually overcome you. I think that is what I have let happen. I am just tired and sad. I really sort of want to cry but I can't because I don't want to. It would show a weakness that I can't afford right now. Or atleast it would be a weakness to me right now. I am a total hippocrite. I was just telling Hilde that she shouldn't hold things in about missing her family and she should just bear her heart. I told her to let herself cry and she did and she is better now. Yet here I am on the verge of a brake down and I can't let it happen. To breakdown is bad because it would me that I wasn't good enough and crying would be silly because it had to happen and I had to leave. I should just get over it. OMG I can't listen to myself. I have no clue what I am doing right now. I have lost the path that is me. I knew who I was and what I wanted. I am still that same person. . . but I have been so focused on trying to help other people that I have forgotten myself behind them. I don't know what to say to myself. If I was any sort of intelligent I would let myself feel again and get over it in time. After it does take time to heal all wounds. But I don't want to hurt right now. I am just so tired. So the conclusion to my ramblings is that I am going to go and just think for a bit. . . . about everything and fix this little problem that seems to be causeing so me so much pain. Wow now only if I would listen to what I am saying to myself. . . I am my own worst enemy.

The song

This is me not wanting to do my homework. So I will write a blog about things instead. BRB my sister just got on-line and I miss her. Okay now that I can talk, lets talk about what has been happening to me because I think I have reached a change. No I don't think I have. . . I know that is what has happened to me. So I told you that I found a part of my song. It was odd. I was in an odd mood in general and well I felt sort of epic is the only way to put it. I felt like nothing was going to stop me. Nothing was ever going to hold me back again. It was a very good feeling. I felt confident. Anyway then I started talking with this guy Wade that I know and I told him I all I knew about him from his song and he was sort of freaked out and I could tell a bit hurt from it. But he was glad that I told him how it was. He is that kind of guy. Anyway, and then I had a talk with Chelsey and it just sort of hit me. It was crazy. I heard it. Loud and clear. It was also partly from the music I was listening to. It was very emotional music. Well that combination of things triggered my song. I wasn't listening and it happened. It was crazy. It is still blowing my mind. Anyway.

So anyway it had more to do with my mood of thought then anything. I desribed once that the way I think was sort of a big black room with things flouting by that I can grab at and use or things that I can't. Well this song brought it all into focus. It was like I finally put glasses on. It was odd. The room became a huge dome place. It is indoors but outdoors at the same time. It is inclosed but there is wind, grass, trees, and it is all open. It is a feild. It is dark for sure. You can see the stars. They are sparkling and twinkling all the time. But it is odd you can make these stars in the sky come as close or as far away as you want. Everything I will ever need is there but it is choosing the right one to look at is the hardest part. You can see whole galaxies, commets, plantes. . . everything. It is all grander then life and it the very fabic of it. It grand and huge. But you feel safe here. It is the place that is met to me. That is a really poor expination of what I see and it doesn't give off all the right feelings. You can just lay back, fall asleep, laugh, and just be safe and do as you place. It is a really nice feeling. It is comfort.

There is just so much that I want to say about it. . . . but I can't right now I am talking with my sister still and well she is bringing things up that are hard to swollow about how much I am changing. It hurts. I don't want to change. It hurts. Anyway. . . . I have to be gone. Homework to do and people to help. love

Odd

I found a third part to my song. I think I finally see what everyone else sees in me. I will elaborate later. Woot woot.