The end Draws near

I leave in two days. I have tomarrow and most of friday in this house. That is just a crazy thought. I have so much I need to accomplish, and know that i wont. I couldn't fix all my families problems. That makes me really sad, and at the same time I realize that it was a selfish goal and one that unrealistic. It makes me sad because either 1. I am not as strong as I used to be or as good at fixing problems or 2. My family is falling even further apart then I thought that it had. Both would be bad in my view. It was selfish of me to try and fix there problems because if I had then they wouldn't have learned anything and I would have been happy because there was happy in my house. Is that really selfish. Because it would be for right reason. I wanted to help because it was for the happy that I also wanted, but deprived them of lessons that they need to learn for themselves. Then I also see that it is unrealistic to know that i can't and shouldn't have to bear the weight of a family in my younger years. I can't fix four peoples problems when I can bearly fix my own. My own come second to my family. Which is something I find harder and harder to do. I can't put myself in the background as easily anymore. I used to just fade out of my own mind. Become a stone to my own pain, let it build up and it would all be good. That is a good thing, I think. Not being able to put myself out of the picture in my own mind. I have to think about what i do and don't need. And well that feels sort of selfish in my mind also. Because shouldn't a good person give all of themselves? I think that in theory that is what should happen. . . but alot of the time that ISN'T what happens. I see myself holding back. Hummm. . .

My mom needs some help and I don't really know who to turn to. I need to help her the most. She has to have to something to focus on. She has always had to have that. It was me, it was church and now it is Brooke. I didn't use her, the church didn't either. Brooke will and does. She doesn't mean to, and does at the same time. Brooke hasn't learned some very hard lessons about other people and at the time she has. She is in a state that needs to grow up and so does my mom at the same time. My mom would bend over backwards till she breaks her back so that she can be a part of my sisters life. She did that same thing with me but I didn't put up to much of a fight because I didn't really care. But my sister will push my mom to her limits. And well that makes me angry and sad. Angry because I feel sort of hurt by my mom. She never really tried to be that close to me. That hurts but I forgive her because she doesn't see that. And it makes me sad because my mom doesn't see what she is doing to Brooke by just giving her everything she asks for and then some. She is going to make someone that expects that world to be given to her on a silver plater. I mean I did that. I never really saw the ugly that world could be. I mean I learned but for my sister it will be harder. I dont' know what I am trying to get at. My mom basically needs something to focus on because she is going to distroy herself and my sister.

I am also sort of hurt because my sister is becomeing reclusive around me. She has bonded with the other Brandon in the house. In some ways he is more of a brother then I am to her. But like, I don't know I really do feel like I am in part being replaced in my home. It sort of hurts. It is a strange hurt. Becuase I don't really feel bad about leaving and at the same time I do. I feel like I am more doing it out of spite then any thing. Which is bad. I want to fix it like everything else in this house. I need to get my life back to where it was, or atleast some semi balcance of it. Yet I am just sort of being drawn out of the picture. I feel like my family is more or less like well here was this key player, but he more or less died and now needs to get out of the story. . . . I know that is over dramatic, but it feels something like that. I just want the relationship again. And I am jelouse at Brandon because he is something that I can't be to the family. Because he isn't me. And I am not him. . . . we all bring something to the table I just wish that I don't get replaced. Which I know I wont in reality. . . .I just wish that this tempory shift would hurry and pass on its way. Ohh well. . . .two days to fix my problems here. . . . YEY go me. .. .