Turn a new leaf?

Something I realized today. I realized that I don't really like being in the Tri-cities at times. My friends have changed. Some have grown and some just feel like a hallow trunk or something. A shallow shadow of what was once a great mountain. A sad thought but I think that it is almost time for me to move on. A very sad thought. Either that or I have to talk to people. Which is what I am going to do. Because I still love them. I really do but at the same time I really want to distance myself from them. Sadly for two very different reasons. One I feel isn't trying and layed down the will to fight anymore, and the other because they willingly choose to walk a path that they are afraid of. Not to mention they also disrespect me. Which I guess is the hardest part of me to get over. I never really noticed it untill they started to cross the line. I don't have a voice while I am in the tri-cities. I just go with the flow and when I was in Seattle I was who I was and people listened to me. People do here but they don't really listen. I am more like the silly little moth at night. People see me and think that I am pretty when they sit back and take a good look. But most of the time they ignore the moth because it is just buzzing around the lamp. I am the moth, when all my friends are butterflies. But in seattle, the moth is something more then just a politly listened to creature, it is a part of the show. I don't know, I am just tired of being whipped because I love. I am tired and I want to be gone and run away like a classic Branden would do. . . . . .





Life = Shit right now




It will get better. . .I promise. . . .


I love how I have to convince myself of this. Ohh well, it will happen because I say so and you have to make your own happyness I guess. WOOT WOOT damnit!!!

Bonsi twisting.

I really want to right something. It is on the tip of my tonuge like always. A thought that doesn't quite want to come out. I swear if my thoughts had to be put into a physical form, they would be fruit. You have to wait till the right time to pick them. If you don't pick them at the right time they fall away and then seed for new thoughts. Or adversly, if you pick them too soon, they don't taste good and don't really make sense. That is actually a very good annlogy I think. You have to do the right about of thinking and pondering to beable to make sense of somethings.

So what shall I talk about instead. I think I will talk about annoying people. Not other people that I think are annoying. But like what I am doing, and how I can become annoying. Because I realized that I am not a very nice person, and I gossip way to much. I also put people down that I don't even know. That isn't a very good quality. I noticed that, when I see even the smallest imperfection in someone I have a tendancy to think about it or even mention it. Sometimes I don't really know why I don't like someone and then I analyze everything I can about them. I don't like that i do that. . . it isn't nice. I need to stop that habit and think nice of people. I guess that I really am starting to become jaded. I feared that I would like everyone actually hoped and said that I would. Maybe it is because I am finally starting to see that yeah, there is a lot on me. . . .and I don't want to bear that responibility. . . . but knowing that I have to.

So I guess I should just get stuff off my chest. I am really stressed out about my parents. I need a job and need money like crazy. I hate to ask my parents for money. They don't see where it goes and don't trust me when I say that I am being frugal with it. My mom gave me 1000 about a month befor school ended. 900 of that was to go to rent and people that helped with it because I wasn't in on the original deal. That left me with 100 for food for a month. Because my dining acount ran out. I can't quite do that so I told me mom to put money on my account so that I could eat. Right . . . my mom isn't the most swift with that sort of stuff. She was being lathagic and she was sick so I can't blame her to much. I would have asked my dad. . . . but my mom is the one that controls my account. So I couldn't ask him. Well so a month goes by and I end up paying one of my friends 300 so I am down to 700 but int he month of being at school with no dining accont I have 500 left and tell my friends that I will pay them back later. Thinking that I will make money this summer. Nope . . . couldn't get a job. Not for the life of me. Yet in the begining of summer my mom makes me go out and get things for her. With the money she gave me. . . . and the random small things that I have done. Like a movie here or there. I think a total of three. I haven't even gone out to diner or anything. I spent money on a gym membership and that was 150 or so added up. But that added to the wireless router that I had to get my mom which was 150 also. . . .yeah. .. . . .it all goes really fast. Yet they get mad at me for spending money!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. .. . .Yet I have been stupid with my money . . . . . . I have really tired to get a job so that I can pay for the dept that I have piled up. I own money to tia for the ticket . . . and I wish that I hadn't gone sort of because it really did cause a bunch of things to snowball. . . My parents are giving me the talk of your friends are going to drop you the second they figure out that you are nothing more then a deadbeat that just takes and takes. .. . they really said that. They are also starting to compare me to my cousin Danieal. He is the one that still lives at home, doens't have a daploma, no job, takes, takes, drinks, and smokes pot all day. They are actually compareing my to him. Ouch. .. but I guess I can't really say anything bad about him because of what i said before. . . .and then there is the worst part. I am actually messing with my moms credit. I basically have shit for credit now because I have over drafted 3 times this year, and the bank finally closed my account with them so now I have to pay them 34.92 which my parents wont give me. So I am sort of up the creek without a paddel. And now people want me to go to silverwood with the no money that I already don't have. . .and I am working for it from my dad. . . . but I might just use that money instead to get myself set on the right path once again. All I really need is to have my accont and my money to deal with. Not rely on people over 200 miles away for my money, that really isn't mine and that I feel EXTREAMLY guilty for asking for money. When it is mine I know exactly what I can't and can do with it. . . . AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. . . stress stress stress.

To top it all off . . everyone is leaving. . . . I feel guilty because I learned things about myself that I didn't want to. .. but needed to know but still wish that I didnt' have to find out. I am learning a bunch of hard lessons right now and I don't like it. and I think I am starting to annoy people with my trying to be happy and put on a happy face instead of just putting it all down. I feel like I am the wooden self I am, but like forces that I can't control are wrapping iron wire around me and molding me to how they want me to be. I dont' get a choice in the mater about how I want to grow. .. . . AHHHHHHHHHHHH. . . . but you know what it is all good. I will figure things out in the end. . ..because we all know that I will. I am Branden after all. I can take anything on and get out on the otherside. . . . however how bowed I might be this time I am not to sure.

Almost a month past!

So hello, I guess I should update people on what is maybe going on in my life. Because it has taken a few turns. Some for the better . . . . well actually all for the better I would think.

So lets see. . .I left off telling you all that I had a boyfriend. Well I don't have one now. We almost made it two months, but we didn't. We just didn't mesh very well. It is all good. He beleives that people dont' really have a purpose more then to just live, I think everyone is here for a reason. Then he thinks that I was clingy, and that only because I got furstrated that he didn't text me for four days. He had a good reason but a nice hello would have been nice. He got really angry, and well he broke it off. So whatever. I was sort of hurt over it because we did have a good time together but you know what, I am over it. I learned tons of stuff, about who I am and what I am looking for in another person. Yup yup, good times.

Also I just got back from my first concert two days ago. It was great and I feel really close to who I was and who I am supposed to be. I guess that I was I get for spending time with my best friends for a long time. Man I missed me, no joke. I feel really good because i am finally like recharged or something. Like my spirit was losing power, and it just needed a bit of power from love to be recharged. I just abbsolutly feel like me. . . . . . I love that feeling. I really do!! The concert was really good. Saw a lot of things that I was able to resist with my friends. It was great. I think we can finally be on the right track again. Yes I do. . . . .

I am so out of the habit of writing that it is really hard for me to write right now. .. I am going to go doodle. I need to figure some designs out. I am goign to get a tatoo. . . I can't wait. . . not at all.

LOVES BABE!! I can't wait for you to get home. I know it is close. I will totally be tackling you when you get home so brace yourself!!