Selfishness!!!

So there is a bunch that I want to confess to. . . the thing is . . . I am really truely lost and everytime I think about it, I can think of only one thing. Does that mean I have to do it? Should I. Okay. . .the whole whole Alec thing. I am still talking to him. I couldnt just cut him out. . . wanted to . . .couldn't though. Anyway, and like the more and more I think about him, the more and more I want to just have a fling with him. I know that you guys don't want to hear about that. .. but it is the truth. . . but I don't want or need a fling. So I am lost on that one. . . not to mention he keeps on playing hot cold with me and he is moving to gorgia in may. So there is that. . .bit . . . . pluse I basicically stired up a bunch of things that didn't NEED to be. . but I think it was better that they were out. I don't know I feel bad and guilty about it. . . was I selfish to protect my own friendships and ruin them in the process? I am so confused. . . I want to just fall over and let my mind reel into nothing.

BUT I CAN"T DO THAT BECAUSE I HAVE TO FOCUES!!!! NOT TO MENTION. .. every single time I do try to do just that, this choir keeps on popping into my mind. Kim you always talk about how the spirit guides you. . .well this choir is at this church. Is a baptist church that is very gay friendly. . . but the choir isn't part of the church. . . I think it is just a motivation to go. I don't know . . .So I was thinking about joining this choir. . . it is classed the Diversity Singers. . .ranging from 13 to 22. . . . it sounds like it would be fun. I have absolutly no clue though. . . I really don't. . .I think I should give it a try. . .it is all I can think about.

*sigh* I am tired. . . night loves. . .

*hangs head*

I am tired of guys. . .I really am. . .he ended up cancaling. He pulled the it isn't you, it is me, and I don't really want to presue a relationship right now. Wasn't it I that said that I felt like the bud was withering away before it even got a chance to bloom. . .well maybe next time I should listen to my own advice.

Shy Away

Nothing to talk about . . . but today is the day that I am going to meet him. . . I am sort of really nervous and that is why I am writing now even though I should be getting ready. Hummm. . . I want him to be held up to my expectations and I have no clue if he will, because I can't get a read on him. So I don't want to be let down that is all I am really saying. I want to actually have something work out right in the relationship catagory for me. I really do. . . it may just be that Iam trying to hard. . . but who really knows. I will find out, but he does seem like a very good guy. *sigh* . . . anyway I am off to class. See you guys laters . . . LOVES!!!

Queeries. . .

Well I guess I am writing tonight because I really REALLY have things to tell you all. Well okay . . . so first off I am really happy to be home right now. I am sitting IN MY BED, IN MY HOME, WITH MY FAMILY CLOSE BY. . .it feels really good to be here. Also I am really missing you all like crazy. I mean I love Hilde and everything. But I am not as touchy feely with her as I am with everyone else. I wish I was because I do love her. But like she is to motherly and not needy enough to be a good person to cuddle with. Part of cuddlying is giving also. She doesn't really give me room to give. So not a very good touchy feely person. But still it works. I was with Nia today and was reminded what it was like to cuddle and I MISS it WITH A FREAKING PASSION. . . yeah I know. Anyway is my rant right now. OHHHH also I find it really funny. . .supposidly my dad made a comment to my mom that I find really funny. He said that Nia and I would make really pretty babies. I found this really funny because the only thing that came to my head was . . .OMG we would . . . and I told this to Nia and that is all she could come up with also. Because I have the traditional handsome, husky strenghth. . .she has the tall, slender, grace. . . .and I was like our baby would be epic. . .. it was funny. . .hahahahha. . .

Okay yeah I really miss you all like crazy. . . .Okay boy issues people. . . . So the whole thing last week well that was resolved. . .and I told him that I was hurt and that I felt sort of stupid for being hurt. .. and he agreed and said that he wouldn't have done that if he knew that I liked him. . .I appriciated that. Anyway, we put that behind us because it really didn't mean all that much. . ..he felt so bad that he changed the picture. . .I thought it was funny. .. and I have been texting him and slowly rebuilding the fire. I don't really know why I am, it just sort of happens when we talk. We are both really flirty with each other. Anyway, so like we have talked for a couple days now, and like he finally was like hey can I call you. We started to talk and I knew something was bothering him and he finally confessed that he was really sorry about the whole thing and that he sort of likes me. . .I wanted to know then like what he thought about that. . .and he was sort of like well I don't really know all that much yet, but you have a really good personality and I really like that. . .but we have to see with time. That is exactly what I thought also. Also a big thing for him was that even if we did get into a relationship he was worried about the distance in the summers and cheating. . I explained to him that I can't fathom it. And we talked about that for a bit. And then we came to a conversation about . . . . I totally lost my train of thought. . . . ohhh about if he shouldn't press anything from this. . . because he agrees that it would be fun to be just friends if nothing else. . .it was odd. . he was litteraly saying everthing that I was thinking. I don't know. . . . I am kind of really into him. I don't know we will see on wednesday what will happen. And I told him I felt bad about the gas he has to use to get to me and such. . . .and I felt for him because it about the same distance from Monty's . . . . it was another long conversation. . .. OHHH and he didn't really expect my personality to be what it is. . . I told him then how some people are scared by me at first and then find out that I am just a big teddy bear. . . . hahahhaha. . it was funny. Anyway, yeah that is my boy issues. . . . But my question is am I at fualt for just forgiving him for kissing someone else when we were just flirting? I don't know. . .does that give way to other issues that might arrise? I am sort of lost guys. .. .and I don't know if I should just take the jump and leap. Because my heart says yes, but my head says wait. . .and I am going to wait. . . but I know that my head will more then likely say no. So which do I fallow? My heart of my head? AHHHH. . . . But I really want to know what he is like. I am so lost. Anyway, my heart does say yes and I am pretty sure I will say yes for now. WOOT WOOT!!!

The Flowers Wilt

Don't you think it is hard for a flower to wilt befor it blooms. .. isn't it sort of pointless? Well anyway, should I explain? Yes I shall and sorry for those reading this I think only Kim will understand this ramblings. So anyway, over the summer I went threw a change of personality. . . well not really it was me just with more confidence. Yeah that is way to discribe it. Well anyway, the reason I was more confident was because I was activly flirting with Monty. He told me I was hot and good looking . . .It is different from when you guys say it. Anyway, yeah so I was more confident and well Kim described me as more woody, more solid. I can't remember how you put it. . . but it deeply touched me because it was a good way of putting it. I did feel good and I was who I was ment to be. I wasn't ment to like Monty, no I was just ment to LOVE on a much deeper level, and that wasn't love just think of what it would feel like to actually LOVE someone. . .anyway, part of me also sort of saw it another way. I wrote a poem about it a few times. Well when a guy walks into my life I sort of see the relationship as a flower. It buds and flowers and grows. . . it shouldn't wilt. That is what love does. It makes the flower last. Well anyway, so the flower wilted when Monty and I parted ways. I was okay with it. The flower that I had with Kurtis was nothing more then a bud, but it also never bloomed and was never going to . . .so I walked away from that one also as you all know. Well anyway, there is another guy now. His name is Alec. But like it is really unnerving. . . I feel like the flower bloomed while it was wilting. . . I don't know. Something about this guy intreges me deeply. . . I HAVE NO CLUE WHY. . . I showed chelsey a picture of him and the first word she said was Drama. . . .that is what I got also when I first saw his picture. And I REALLY hate drama, but something about him really intreges me!!! I have no clue why. . . . really I don't. And I feel like it shouldn't be between us if there ever was, and on the flip side it feels right. I don't know I get polar opposites with him. It is rediculous. We will wait till I can hear his song. I am meeting him on wednesday next week. Woot woot. .. . wish me luck. It is interesting. . . . .

OHH I remember why I wanted to blog in the first place. . . . well he kissed another guy. . .. and am sort of jelous but I shouldn't be because I don't even know him yet. . . . WOW I am really sad. . . woot woot . . . LOVES babes. . . I am in a good mood and I doing really good right now besides this little problem of the heart and figureing out what I do and DON'T want. . . Ideas?

Rose Paper Hearts

Kim get ready to disown me!!!

Where were you born? I was born somewhere over a rainbow. . . or Utah. . . take your pick.

Middle name: Albert, after my uncle and Grandpa. They both passed away not to long after I was born.

How old will you be this year? 20. . . wow that is odd to say. I will no longer be a teenager!!!

Nicknames: My family calls me Tatterhead or Rambo, but the people at school call me jellybean

Are you taller than your mother or father? Taller then my mommy, and shorter then my dad but not by much.

Do you cry often during movies? If they are emotional, yes I will cry.

Favorite color: A light deep green. I am also starting to become very parcial to the dark blues. Like midnights. . . ohh they all have there good attributes. Because I also love a dusky red.

Favorite foods: Anything that tastes good is my favorite.

Favorite cold cereal: Cinnomon toast crunch. . . but rearly eat cereal anymore.

Favorite smells: Now that is a very hard question. I love the smell of my colon mixed with my natural sent. That is a very good smell I think. And fresh laundry is very comforting also. . . downy. . . yup. . . and like I love this one flower. . . it is like a mix of gardina and jasmin.

Favorite time of day: Most def a sunday morning. Or saterday morning.

What brand of shampoo/conditioner do you use? One that works

Make-up products? Nope sorry. . . .make-up isn't my thing.

How many pillows do you sleep with? Too many I think, but at the same time never enough. . . 4.

Do you play an instrument? I play my voice, clarinets, and the french horn.

Have you ever been skinny dipping? Nope but I am going to have to try that sometime.

Did you do any sports in high school? Nope, unless you count Marching Band, because it is as good of one as any.

What was the last movie you saw in the theater? 27 dresses. Very good moive with some great lines.

What is your favorite article of clothing? I like shirts when they fit properly.

What is your dream vacation? Some place warm with lost to do and where I can just sit back and relax.

What was your first impression of your spouse? Don't have one and don't have a boyfriend either. . . .ohh well it is all good.

If you were an animal, what would you be? At home everyone says I am a dog but people here say that I am more of an otter.

What's your favorite "me-time" activity? Writing poetry. . .

What is your dream car? One that runs.

What is one of your weaknesses? Being alone. . . . it causes some really bad things for me.

What do you fix for dinner when there's nothing to fix? Go downstairs to the cafiteria.

If you could live in a different decade/era, which one would it be? One where honor ment something and heros were still needed.

What is the emotion you feel the most? Hummm. . . . I don't really know. I feel everything equally. Happiness, joy, exaustion, frustration, hope, passion, love, life, I feel them all. But the one that I love the most would have to be compassion. . . . I try to feel that one the most.

Do you consider yourself outgoing? When I am alone yes, when I am not, not so much.

What is something you are constantly working on? Being more me. . .and changing who I am just to fit the norms of where I am.

Any hidden talents? I can roll my tongue two ways, and wistel 4 different ways. But not really.

What is a word or phrase you overuse? I have got a clue. . . "You would do that"

What was the hardest thing that happened to you this past year? To realize that I am changing.

What is the best thing that happened to you this past year? Know that I am changing but not in a bad way.

What is one thing you hope to accomplish this year? Lose a bit more weight, I am starting to look okay, but there is more work to be done.

The best piece of advice you learned this year? UBU. . .you be you. . . and I didn't really learn that this year, but it did finally have a very strong meaning for me.

Who are the 6 people you are going to tag to do this survey? Only Kim and Chelsey read my blog and Kim as already done it and disowned me. . . .woot woot. . .. so Chelsey I am calling your number.

Hey everyone. . . .

I am not sure what I a feeling right now. And I have only a few min befor I have to leave for class. You know those moods where you are so happy you want to scream and laugh and jump. Well I am in one of those moods. But it is like only a covering or soemthing because I am still very grumpy if you only scratch the surface. Hummm. . .I wonder why it is odd. Because I really do want to be happy. Yesterday I was really happy. .. .. but I sort of had to play really happy. That is what my problem is . .. I had to fake happy when I was happy. That put me in a funk. Hilde was finally crashing. I think she was actally thinking about suicide. . . scary thought. But I know she would never do it. She was intertaining the idea of hummm I wonder sort of thing. That scared me so I really wanted to help her get out of it. I did succeed with flying colors. She was stressing out over her chemistry. Which I understand and it is really easy once you understand it, but no one ever understands it the same way. All I knew is that I know how Hilde works and she understands me so I worked as the best teacher for her. People try to make it over complicated and she was looking in to many places for help thus she was lost. Okay I understand that because she was stressed. And I got her through it . . . . I was happy about that I really was. But I hated knowing that I was trying to actually save her out of something much worse. That is why I had to play really happy and supportive. But it was nothing more then an act. . . the happy that I was in was one of watching movies or reading a good book and just being there, and that isn't want she needed. OHh well it is okay I did what I had to do and it went good now I am just sort of bitter I guess that I had to play a fake happy. That is never a good thing for me even though I do it really well. I actally play happy a lot here. It sort of makes me anrgy. I guess I do it so that people can know that I am a good person. I just don't want them to see my weak spots. I am still unsecure about that, because I don't know if they will use me or not. I didn't even know I was doing this till about right now so that is odd to think inwardly. Hummm. . . . I guess I just have to shead these layers and see if they like me or not. I mean they have seen the best of me, why shouldn't they see the worst of me like you guys have. After all that would give me a better idea of who is and who isn't worth my time. This one girl Molly took me to a ballet and that is what brought me out of my funk earlier this week and such. She is such a good person. I think everysingle one of you would get along with her. I really do like her lots. She is more then likely the first real friend that I have here. *sigh* now I have to go to class and do sudokus that way I can stay entertained and not fall asleep in my math class. I am happy now just to let you know. .. . I had to get it off my chest and be okay with it. .. . and it is amazing how talking it every healthy. I just hope this next week goes well. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. . .. love babe. . . . thank you.