Sleep be is my for good. . . X )

Yeah that is about the function of my brain right now. I want to be home. I am sort of homesickish. And Kim I have been looking for that movie The Fountian, because it actually does sound like something right up my ally. However, this seems to be more of a challenge then I thouht that it would be. Ohh well right. It is all good. No worries. All things happen in the end.

So I have been sort of soul searching for a bit. I don't really know what I do and don't want anymore. I want a guy. I really do, but is that what I really want? Do I want love really? Is that what I need in my life? Or is it that i want to give love? Because I know that is what I want. I was examining my liking of Dwayne and came to the conclusion that there was no chemisty between the two of us. There was a lot fo sexual chemistry, but nothing more. Is that really all I want though? Just sex? That doesn't register in my own head even. Because I know that isn't what I want. I want someone to talk to. Someone that I can be myself with no matter what.

Zach spent the night in my room last night. And well I think he saw bit into my personage. I tried to explain the group dynamics of Hilde, Tia, Mandy and I. I said that is was corrny but the best way to desribe it was with the four elements. He guessed automatically that Mandy was the fire. Hahaha. . . then then I told him Tia was air. He asked why. I said because she is refreashing, light, and well airy. Not in a bad way though. She just is, and it is to the brightest element which she is also. Then he asked if I was water. I told him no, and that that was Hilde's. Because she bends to people. Wraps around them and comfortas them. Then he said that it didn't make sense that I was earth because he thinks that is a lot like me. I told him that he didn't know me well enough. He knows that I listen to people, but he doens't know that I can be stobborn at times. But I didn't really give in a good complete picture of why I am. I should have told him it is because I am dependable or strong or something. Hummm. . . but then I tried to give him other information about why and how I listen. I don't know I wanted him to see the real me for some reason. I feel like he doesn't think very highly of me at times. Like I am just this fluffy brainless drone that does good just because it is all he knows. That I help people for shallow reasons. And maybe I do. But I don't think so. He didn't see who I was and what I came from to get a full apprication of what I have become. I don't know it is interesting. To know that I can come off like that. I guess it is because I haven't had long talks with him. . . .

You know I do talk best in the dark. When the lights are low and you can't see the persons face. When you can wrap them in words and spin a blanket of letters, and when it is one on one. I don't have much time with people here at a one on one. Which is I think a good reason as to why I have held this silly facade up all year. Afaid to let people in like always i would think. I don't know why. I shouldn't be. But I hate having to try and get people acclimated to me. Because it is the truth. To get a full understanding of me you really do have to go though a process. Hummm. . . it is odd. . . ohh well I guess I will just have to build and make time for more one on ones. Yup yup.

We are singing with the Seattle Symphony again and it will be really cool. We had a dress rehearsal today. It was fun. But long ohh well. We are singing the genisis suite. Last and only time it was preformed was in like 1941 or 1951. . . don't remember. This is the second preformance of the peice in history, and I get to be part of it. . . crazy thought huh. Anyway babes, I can't wait to be home. Loves!! I have some more thinking to do.

The time is come.

For times where you just can't hold it in anymore. I find it odd. Really that I would let so much build up in me while I am the one that preches letting go of emotion into other people. For someone who hates it when other people DON'T get vernerable sometimes, I don't get vernerable at times. I find that hypocritical. It is after all. Ohh well, it is okay. I am going home and I will relax. I will let go of all that is in me and diffuse into my surroundings. I know it isn't fair. To dump so much emotion onto my loved ones but that is why I feel like I must. I have been distant and gone. So I must do this little thing. I am vunerable right now and about to go take a midterms yet my head is clearer then normal. Ohh man I love things that touch a persons heart. So just letting you know, that who you are does make a difference. That is what got me this morning. Loves dearys.

My body is a live wire!

I don't know what it is. I have caused a lot of trouble this last few weeks. I haven't been doing well in school. It feels like my life is really just starting to crubble. Like I finally tried to move the a delicate crystal a few to many times. It finally shattered. But the odd thing is . . . I don't feel any remorse for it. I feel like I shed a skin that was thinly crafted. It is odd. Becuase I showed myself my true colors. I didn't mind it. I mean I went from being in the closet to being out. I showed a lot more of me. But I still has a thin covering where you could see my colors but it was contained. I feel like that covering finally streched to far. Does that make sense. I mean, I guess it is all because I got my first kiss. It wasn't perfect, not in any way how I imagined it. But it was good. I wont lie. I did enjoy it. And I created room for some good to happen. I made a bad relationship fall apart. Not because of the kiss but because of the information I let go of. I don't know. . . I feel . . . odd. . . might be becuase I am going home this weekend and I CAN"T wait to see my family. It has been much to long. I need to go and clear my head, and figure out where this new me stand. One that isn't afraid to grab what I want and hang on. I don't know. It is odd. I am still trying to figure it out. Loves babes. I think I am getting into a new me. One that will handle things better and with a set of morals and not be afraid of it. Hummm. . LOVES!!!

Of this time!

I have really messed things up. I am lost and havn't got a clue how to make it all out again. I have never really had relationship drama, and now I do. So I am SOOOOO lost that is almost hurts and in such a bad time. I really need to just go home and get my head cleared. Loves, I will be happy soon.

Weekend in San Fran

Yeah it was an interesting time and I am really confused about a lot of things that went down while i was there.

Sunday = We ended up getting into the hotel at around like 8:30 and we deside that we were all hungry. So we get a group of us togeather, and we all go out to Joe's Crab shack. It was great because the staff has to dance and everything when music starts to play loud. It was great because it was all the old 90's stuff that everyone can sing along to. lol. . . . ohh getting to the air port. I should let you all know about that. Well I was going to get a shuttle to the air port, but me and Dwayne end up riding the bus togeather. Yes this is the same guy that I talked about ealier. Yes, I know I am masacistic. So we go out to eat before hand and we chat for a bit and hang out in my room till we have to catch a bus, then hangout when we get to the airport also. It was fun. We talked about a lot of different stuff. Ended up he left his music in my room also. Anyway back to the dinner that night at Joe's. We leave and I end up paying to much because the check was really confusing and they couldn't split it. So whatever, it is all good. No worries. But then we also wanted dessert. So ends up that Jenna, Christine, Thomas, Brent and I go and get ihop. It was great and there are a lot of inside jokes with us now. Like the fact that I will now never look at butter pecaun syup the same way again. lol. . .yeah it was good times. Then we head to bed and that was the end of that day.

Monday = woke up and got breakfast which was pretty good. Nothing really to complain about. Try to find a bank afterwards but ended up just walking around in a big circle. Ohh well it was fun anyway. Then we went to a high school that won the all state compititions in vocal and we preformed for them and they preformed for us. And they were MUCH better then us. It was actually sort of sad. lol. . . . But then we go and go a sound check for a concert later that night with chanticleer. It was in the basilica there! It was so pretty and the sounds that we made there was AMAZING!! It was so beautiful! Then we go to a mall and eat get something to eat. Go back to the hotel get changed and we got to a bank and all that jazz. Then we headed off to the concert. It was amazing. The high schools were really good. Then we sang and the sound was amazing!! No joke. Ohh man it was lovely. Then we heard Chanticleer. They are an all male group that sing all the parts. Saprano, Alto, Tenor, and Bass. Yeah no joke. It was crazy to hear a guy sing up that high!!! Yeah, but they sounded amazing! One of the songs litterally had everyone crying. It was beautiful. Then we get back and a bunch of people go to In and Out Burger. It was really good and it is owned by mormons. What can I say, mormons know there stuff!! lol. . . love you all. Anyway, then we head back and fall asleep.

Tuesday = I sleep in, because i didn't think everyone was doing stuff that morning and we didn't have to be up. And I end up just going to the peir with Kyle. It was fun though. Nothing to complain about. When everyone started to get back we all went to the Grace Cathedral. It was so pretty. I could just feel God there. Singing there was also really amazing! Nothing will ever top that feeling I got singing in there. I felt like I was part of something. It was just a big feeling and I don't really know how to describe it. And then after that we went and practiced the Genisis suite at a college. It was short and sweet. No worries. Then then we get back at around 5 to the hotel. Dwayne, Thomas and I were going to go to castro (the gay district in San Fran) and we were trying to find a club that was 18 and up. There were none but we still wanted to have a good time. But at like 6:15 we go to little Italy and get something to eat. There were a bunch of people and it was tons of fun. We get back and it is like 7:30 ish.

*stop reading if you chose to not hear bad things but also want to know the meat of the story you should read but know that I have learned from my mistakes*. . . .

Well they had one of the older guys in the choir get us some vodka. The good kind I guess. It all tastes bad, but that stuff that we had was actually not half bad. This girl, Rocky and I make a toast to us and we have a drink. We also start to play 10 fingers. I told them all that I would win at the game. Basically what you have to do is say things that you have never done and then if you have done it you have to put a finger down. I did end up wining but a astonishing 8. . . lol. . . I haven't done a lot of stuff. . . lol. But they also vowed that by the end of the night I would no longer be unkissed. We were still really wanting to go dancing and everyone wanted to get me a kiss and hook me up with someone. Anyway, we finally make our way out of the hotel. It was Dwayne, Thomas, Alica and I. It ended up being a small group and it was really a good thing. *we also did take the vodka with us in a water bottle* By the time I got there I had had four shots or so. When we get of the bus there was a guy on the street that started to talk to us. We chatted with him for like 20 min and he was really nice. . . but there was something off with him. Ends up he was on meth. . Alica told us that after were got away from him. Anyway, yeah his life story was pretty sweet. So we start walking around trying to find some place to dance or atleast have fun. We end up walking into this cookie shop and the guy tells us that there are no places that are 18 and up on a tuesday night. So we start walking some more

We end up finally after a long time, it is around 11 and we pass this group of guys and Dwayne does the whole wink and hey thing. So we all start chatting and they want to show us all a good time. There were three guy and a girl just like us in the group. So they take up this a bar called the Mix. It was odd. They end up buying us all some beer. It wasn't the crappy stuff in college but some really okay beer, and I actually do like the taste of it. So they buy us all three rounds. The guys names were Seth, Joshph or something, Ryan, and the girl was Mary. We all hit it off pretty well. But there were older that much was sure and they ask us a bunch of questions. I have a pretty good conversation with Seth about saving myself and why I did it, and everyone was really proud about that. I was happy, and I am sort of proud that i have saved myself. Yeah, Seth was a pretty cool guy. However somewhere in the night, this random guy bumbs into me and sad sorry, I am like it is all good no worries. And then he grabs my butt and says look at the ass on this one, it is so nice! I am like OH my God in my head, so I turn around and stutter a . . . . .a thank you? It was such an odd experiance. I have never had that many people tell me that I was good looking in a night. Yeah it sort of freaked me out. Well anyway, by this time I have had four shots and three beers just to let everyone know. But oddly I can't still function and I can still have morals. So I see Dwayne and this guy Joshph making out. I am like okay it is two in the morning, cerfuew was at 1, it is time to go. So I find Alica and I get us a cab. So we get back to the hotel via my leading ability. They want to go skinny dipping. Bad idea and we end up not doing that. But there were people out in the hall way so we start talking with them. And then more people show up who are also drunk and we descide to move it in to my room. Because both Paul and I are drunk and Kyle is still up. SO we get everyone in there after a little bit of effort. And Paul still has more alohol and we make a few more toast I guess. I really don't remember having more then one more drink, but I guess I had a few more. That is what Kyle tells me anyway. And well okay this is where it gets odd. So we descide to play 10 fingers again. I know once again I will win. It gets to my turn and I pull out the whole i have never been kissed and out of the corner of my eye I see Dwayne launch for me. He is trying to kiss me. All I knew was that I didn't want to be kissed. Not that way atleast. And I end up fending him off with some effort because I was in conflict because I did like him. But he also is sort of in a relationship. He in a friends with benifits deal. They agreed to not have sex with other people. But regardless, it doens't happen and Alica had to pull him off of me, after I had him pinned to the bed. And he says that he sorry. Whatever, after that he doesn't remember anything but he is still mentally there you know what I mean. Okay well anyway, I go and call Hilde. I talk to her for a bit and go back in because my phone dies. The only free stop was between Darran and Dwayne. So I lay down and start to cuddle with Dwayne. The same way that Tia, Hilde, Mandy and I cuddle. But it was a sexual because we were both into each other. I just wanted the contact. Yeah, and he ends up passing out on my chest with his head there. By this time it is like 4:30 in the morning and we have to be up by 5 to get breakfast. We had a very early plane. Well Dwayne was taken care of and all that jazz. I am still a bit tipsy. . . but for the most part i am good. breakfast was went okay but the assitant conductor noticed Dwayne but says nothing. The plane ride home was horrible!!! No joke. Never have a hangover on a plane!! BAD IDEA!! and that was the end of the trip. I really did enjoy myself but there is more to be said.

So I get back and sleep because it was my first all nighter. Ends up one of my friends Liz has something to tell me! Okay well comes to find out that Broson another guy that i know and Liz's best friend has been fooling around with Christian. The same guy that is friends with benifits with Dwayne. I am sort of lost as to what to do. Because all three of them are sort of "slutty" Bronson really is doing it for nothing more then to get off. Christian is sort of cheating, and Dwayne is in the dark. I don't know what to do. Do I tell Dwayne and distroy it, being both my chases of being with him and Christian, or do I let it all play out in its own way? I am in conflict and I don't know what to do. . . So I need to fin out what there deffinition of sex is. Because some people don't consider oral sex as sex. I DO!!! But some people don't. . .yeah and that is all Bronson and Christian are doing. Hummm. .yeah I am totally lost. I have never been in this situation. So yeah . . . a bit of a story for you all.

Just a few Wrods

can change your whole look out on a person can't they. I hate to say that though. Because that seems really shallow of me. To base my views of a person on what someone said to me about someone right. But I trust Kat. So I want to take it for true and let that be that, but I can't because I don't want to have to lick my wounds. But I guess having a friend stick you with a thorn is better then someone that will only use you do it. Humm. . . I hope that is right.

Kat: Hey Branden, do you like Dwayne?
Me: Well yeah a little why? Has he said something?
Kat: Well cherrel told me somethings.
Me: And?
Kat: Well he is a bit of a man whore. He gets all the guys he wants.
Me: *silence* hummm

How much of a man whore is he?
Kat: He once met a guy and three hours later they hooked up and he never talked to him again.
Me:ohh

*silence as my views change and thoughts rage*
Kat: Sorry Branden.
Me: It is okay, I asked to know and I guess it is better to find it out from you.
Kat: Yeah, it is.


Yeah that was the conversation. Hummm. . . . I don't know what to think about this. I can take it one of two ways. Or maybe even a third. First I want to know why he never tried anything with me? Was it because he didn't think I am attractive enough for him? That would be a major blow to the self esteem. It has been taking a lot of hits lately though and I keep on grinding away at the life I lead hopeing that it gets better. *in the love section that is mind you* Or is it because he never made a move on me because he actually DOES like me? And then do I let my overly optimistic side take over because that is what I want, but we all know that gay men usually are only out for one thing. They are always looking for the next more attractive guy that they can mess with. But that would mean that I would still have a chance. Maybe, but would I want to take that chance given his past? Do I risk getting cheated on? Hummm. . . I am sad guys. The third way I can take this is to, just look at it as him making things up that he knows will eventually get to me and try to get me off of him? That might be a possibility. But I don't think anyone is really that coniving. Are they? Well yeah, so that is my story for the next little bit. Yeah, but at least I am going to san fran right. woot woot.

Late night thoughts!

Hey guys. . . once again here I am without anything really important or interesting to say at all. I am just sitting in my room. Zach needed a place to sleep because Hilde's room was being used, and he doesn't like to sleep in his room because his roommate is a beast! That is the only way to put it also. Well anyway, my roommate is gone and he is always welcome to my roommates bed if he so chooses. Well he finally took me up on it. He is a good guy. . but nothing more then a friend. Anyway, yeah.

I can't wait. I am actually going to san fransico. I flippen can't wait. I am going to have to much fun! I am going with the choir I am in. So not only is that going to be fun. But Dwyane, Thomas and I are all going to the gay part of town and we are going to a club on one of our free nights. It is going to be so much fun!! I can't wait. It will be my first club and I want to see what it is like. See if I will actually enjoy myself or not. Who knows?

Not to mention we are going to be singing with Chanticleer. They are a grammy award winning men's choir. They are so flippen awsome. We got invited to sing for them. And we are going to sing one of our own all male songs. It is really pretty also. I like it atleast. Pretty Little Horses. I love it. We are singing a bunch of early american songs. So it fits my style of voice. I am stoked for it.

I also went to the tide pools here in Seattle with my biology class. Now if you guys come out here I could totally show you a bunch of crazy cool stuff!. . .things that you would never think lived here. It is totally awsome! We saw these giant crabs. It was crazy!! And one of them had a bunch of eggs on her. It was so pretty. Only I would find that pretty woudn't I. The idea of birth and marine life. Well I like it. lol. . . .

My mind is really scarttered because I have been trying to get done with homework because I am going to be gone for the most of next week. Not to mention I had two midterms this week. It wasn't a good week. But I guess that the prize at the end was worth it. I am going to san fran!! YEY. . .

Ohh and Zach taught my how to play this really fun version of solitar, but it is with out the solitary part because you need more then one person. I have to teach you Kim about it sometime. BTW Kim I couldn't finish your really long blog. It was just to long. You know how spacey I can get sometimes. Well yeah, this week = Branden ultra spacey!! Woot woot

Well the next time I will chat with you guys will more then likely be post san fran and I will tell you all about my trip.

I am acutally sort of hopeing for my first kiss from Dawyne. But who knows. Only time will tell.

Balance is hard

Last night I saw someone get mugged from my window.

I don't know what to think about it. All I saw was the driver drive off. I didn't see her get mugged, but I heard it. I didn't think anything about it because people are usually loud outside, and I was in that half asleep state. I heard her say I was mugged. The driver was parked in our parking lot of our dorm.

Life is all in balance. Ever single life I think is part of it, and it shifts. Moves and breaths. It is odd to think that might have been me or Hilde or anyone that I know. Hilde, Lindsey and I went for a late walk the night before so that might have been us. Think about it. The power shift from one side to the other. From the good to the bad. Bad takes with force, and Good takes with compassion. But they all take in someway or another. Is there ever a nutural force? Or a truely good force. What is a good persons motive anyway? To be liked, to do what is right so that they can get into there heaven? They all have a motive. I know that I have a motive looking at it. I want to be liked, and i like the feeling it gives me to see there face light up. That is my goal, and I take from them to get that sense of joy. I take that small emotion and hord over it. It is my gold. Does that make me any better then that man that took that girls stuff? He needed something and he got it. I needed something and I get it. Hummm. . . does that make me anybetter really? I guess the better question if it really is a good thing is if you could give it all up if you were mearly asked? Could I just stop taking that feeling if someone didn't like that i got joy from it? Would that be good then? Wow the lines just got blured for me. I need to do some thinking.