NO GNOME FOR YOU!!!

I don't really know what to write about right now.

I am actually in a lull mood. One where I would willing sit still for a period of time and just be happy touching someone. I want to be close to people again. I miss that more then you know. There just isn't anyone that does that over here. I am slowly getting that way with the house mates. But that will take some time because they are new to me. Which is understandable, from both my point and theres. They don't know me very well and I don't know them that well either. It takes time to build that sort of trust. The trust where you know that you are not going to be hurt by people.

It is odd though how contact comes to easily to me. I enjoy it and want it. It is almost a need if you will. I need to touch, not so much as be touched. I don't know why that is. I want to be hugged but not touched, if that makes sense. But some people I just want to touch me. If I am comfortable with someone I want them to touch me. Others I want to a hug or something more intimate. Like a touch is just a let down. Or something. Hahaha. . . like for example. Without really thinking about what I am doing I reach out and touch peoples arms or shoulders if I know them. Like this guy Dwayne. I kind of like him. I don't know anyway, yeah I passed him and like I automatically reached out and said hi by touching him. I brushed his arm and I said hi and kept on walking. It was odd to realize what I just did. Does that mean i dont really have to be comfortable or am I actually comfortable enough with him. Hummm. . .odd. . well yeah that is the question for the day. What does touch really mean?

I think it is just needed for me. I also don't understand how people can't like it. I just want to be close to someone I guess. No mater what. Hummm. . .. yeah. .. I am going to ponder that question some more. Anyway, I had a midterm today. It went well and I am learning about Snails and Octopi in my shellfish class. It is really kind of cool. Cuttlefish are my new favorite animal right under the tie between Manta Ray and Dogs. Yup yup. . . you know what I was thinking to do . . . sorry random tangent. . . well I was actually thinking about pokemon and the logistics if it was a real world. Where like animals had power and such. That would be crazy if you think about it. Like squirals would be a common pokemon or something. lol. . . yeah that is a thought for you. lol. . . see that is where my mind wonders when I walk back from the Gym. Ohh the gym. I need to get back in shape. My fat jeans are begining to fit. That means it is time to work out.

SORRY RANDOM BLOG!!!

LOVES

"NO, Jeremy wasn't here to claim a gnome! So he DOESN'T get a gnome!" -Oisin

Hence the title. Taken from a conversation around the dinner table.

WELL then. . . lol

So yeah. . . lol. . . I feel really silly!!!. . .not going to lie about that. I was sort of having a rough week. lol. ..you guys all know that I have my ups and downs. Well that was a down lol. . . .and I am happy right now. .. lol. .. .Yeah I gave up feeling bad about last weekend. I tried something out. I am sorry, but I don't regret it. .. . and well yeah. It isn't like I am addicted to it or anything. So yeah. .. . anyway, I am over that. I can't wait to see Ben this up coming weekend. He has been really busy with midterms, and he went to see his friends this weekend. But this up coming weekend he is hanging out with me. Tia is also going to be here. I can't wait to see her!!! OMG I can't wait at all. lol. . . . OHH man this week is going to amazing!! yes yes. ...

I went to a oyster hatchery. .. it was epic and fun!!! not going to lie. . .Learned a ton of stuffy. It was a long trip and in the amount of time that we spent in a car to get there I could have gotten home and back again!!! lol. I got to hold a 30 to 50 year old Gooy duck. It is a type of shellfish. lol. . . and it was crazy. It was huge!!! Yeah the syphon on this thing is literly as thick as my forarm and nearly as long as my whole arm!!!. . . .and the shell is about the size of a nerf foot ball!!! It was crazy fun!! I also learned about hot to culture and raise algae, and I saw juvinile oysters and the such!!! It was a lot of fun even if I was hecka tired!!. ...lol. . . and I met some really fun people with driving for 6 hours in a van. lol. Yup yup. I can't wait for summer!!

Shattered Mask

Well, I have a bunch to say and I hate to say it. But I really should. I don't want to because I know that it will hurt you guys (maybe), but at the same time I know that it is what I need. So do I keep it boiling in and remain like his with no outlet and let you guys be happy and still think exactly the same things about me. Or do I delv deep and let out all of my fears? Which path to choose? Can't I only take one or can I let my fear excape and never actually post this? But what would that accomplish. . .

I am actually leaning away from my computer because the idea that I am actually going to say what I need to is sort of sicking to me.

Well I don't really know how to describe it at all. What I feel like I should. So lets start at the begining. Being in Seattle it is really hard to be concervative. Everyone here has had a completely opposite view on things like drugs and alcohol then what i have experianced. They don't really care and they do it. It was pounded into me that I shouldn't drink or smoke. I understand the smokeing thing completely. And I wouldn't do that just because I don't want to. I don't like the smell. But I still sort of wonder what it would feel like.

But I did go against my promise of not drinking till I turned 21. I guess that is what bothers me the most. That I didn't go through with my own plans. I know that plans change, but really I am sort of disappointed in myself. But then i wonder where I got my adversion to alcohol? Because even my own parents said that it was okay if I wanted to. I just had to be around them if I did. Regardless, the only other reason was that i like to say that I was a role model of sorts. That people looked at me and said that he was a good guy, a golden boy or sorts. Like people have never had trouble from me. I have never rebeled against anything. If I was told not to do it then I didn't. There has only been one case in which I did rebel but I don't really do that all that often anymore, and well it has lost its thirll because I know that my dreams of love and all that jazz are actually almost possible. Like I can really have a boyfriend if I wanted to. Something that fantized loses it apeal if I can actually have it.

But I wanted to rebel of sorts. . . wanted people to know that I can be more then just the shell of goodness. That I can have reasons. I don't have a clue what I am thinking or saying right now. I really don't. I don't know this feeling right now. It sort of makes me want to cry. I feel like I have let some of my friends down. Like I lost there respect. That they now would think of me less because I chose to see if I liked something. The part that scares me even more is that I actually did like it. I liked the release it gave me. I was genually happy and carefree. Sometimes I feel like I just put on a happy face for others benifit. And people ask me if I am pissed off if I not smiling. I don't even have to be unhappy, just not smiling and something is automatically wrong. I hate that!!! Do I have to happy all the time? Should I be happy. But even when I am not smiling and people ask me if I am okay, I smile and say yes i am fine and I hold a mask to my face to show them what they want, and what I want. I want them to be happy. I don't want them to worry. But really under that mask it grows angry. Why can't I just be mad sometimes? Why can't i talk about my feelings to anyone? I need my friends to be close. And I really don't want to even worry you guys at all, because then I would feel guilty becuase I am just being pissed and angry at myself!!!!! This is just my form of coping with self let down. Because I know that none of you will justify what I did. None of you would. I can't even do it to myself. I plain wanted to know what it felt like, and taste like. But what kind of justification is that? Not a good one when you consider the implications of what I did. I lost peoples respect and the golden boy image that I hated and charished!!! The golden boy has so much to hold up and it just got heavy. I hate that!!!






*sigh*






I am sorry guys. . . .can you forgive me? Then forgive me again. . . and again . . .and again? I don't want to hurt you guys by making you see less then you want to. . . . so I am sorry. For tarnishing the painting that is my mask.




But don't think that I am unhappy right now. It just makes me sad those thoughts and I am happier right now. I really am. That I got that off my chest. And there is a good guy right now that I want to see more of. Hummm. . . .anyway. . . see you guys later. . .LOVES!!! and I am sorry.

Shards

I hate this feeling. I am sort of stuck somewhere. It feels like I am stagnate again. I don't like this feeling. Like I have been drivin into a rut again. And am once again following life as it comes. . . down the path like always. I don't really like that path. One where I know completely what is coming. .. and I don't know what is coming. .. yet I feel like I do. Is that bad? I can't be sure. . . like I know the unknown. . . which in itself is rediculous as a thought. I don't know. . . . I guess it is just me being pessimistic about something. About things with Garrett. . .. like I actually want to date this guy. I really do. .. .but I know that it wont work. . . . well I don't know that it wont work, but I think it that wont work. . .. but what if it did. . . wow. .. . I am just being pessimistic about how every other guy i have ever liked has bailed on me. Never once. ...when I invested my heart and a bit of myself into a guy has it ever payed off. . . what should make this one different? I really don't know what should make this one different. I mean like all the guys that I have tried with well they all really like me. .. .and value my friendship but that is only after they decide that it wont work and then later on they tell me that they wish it would have. Like they see afterwards what they could have had and realize that it would have been good!! And it would have. .. sigh. .. . I just am having notioions that this will turn out just like the rest. Hummm. .. well I guess only god and time will know. I just wish that I did also. . .that way I didn't have to get my hopes up and have them shatter like a dropped mirror. Beautiful in itself the little peices . . . but not nearly as pretty as the whole picture.


. . .. only time. . . .

Update!!!

Wow. .. where do I start? Well I am in a new quarter for one thing. Wow new quarters are good!! I think I will actually like this one also. I acutally like the classes that I am in. Biology of Shellfish is very interesting. It is going to be some work. Not a ton but some work. I have two labs in a week and we are already sequncing DNA and RNA to try to find out what type of larva we have!! It is really interesting and everything, but on the second day of class it is intense. Lol. .. . Chemisty is going to be tough for me. But that is okay, because it isn't like really REALLY hard. Then I got into the music theory class which is interesting because I don't really understand music. Never have, I just play it. LOL. . . . which is so true on so many levels. Maybe someday I will be able to write down what I hear in my head. Ohh man that would be crazy. Choir is going to be fun. We are singing some really cool stuff and it is going to fun.

Sadly though I have been sick this week so I haven't had that much energy. LoL. It doesn't help that Hilde has been having some boy problems so it has been me that has had to pull her out of it. I love to. . . .but it wasn't very good timing!!! Ohh well it is okay. I will take the good with the bad. And there has been a lot of good and for a small amount of bad this week. It was fun to see all my friends again!!! I love them so much. I miss them. Sadly though Kat is thinking about transfering down to Cali again. I don't want her to. But I will support her in all that she does because if she really thinks that is what she needs then, yes by all means do it.

Speaking of which. Talked with Kristiana, she is doing really well. I can't wait to see her. Which I want to do sometime soon.

Moving onto boys, I finally got out and over Alec. That one guy that kept on standing me up. I know I said I had a while back, well I am finally done done. Sorry, you all know how I work. lol. However, I actually went on a date with Garrett. He was really awesome. I don't know how more to put it. You guys should have heard his song. It was soft and gental. I liked it a lot. There was something hidden again. It didn't threaten or hurt, just like a shadow or a nighttime twilight. I couldn't really place my finger on it. I am going to go on another date with him soon I think. It will be fun. Woot woot.

Now i am just waiting for something. I don't know what yet. Like something amazing to happen. I don't know what or why I am waiting. I should be out there making it happen. . . . but I can't because I am here. . ..and everyone else is out there. . . maybe I will. Hum. .. oaky. Well I figured I should up date you all. I am doing great. Life is fine, and happy. I am really good. . . just sort of stagnate again!! Woot woot.