I am tired and cold

Life is Beauty

Wasted away,
liveing for nothing
but this day.
Feel anything!

Notice the change.
Just a subtle shift,
across the broad range.
It's a spiritual lift.

Smile follows!
Raising embers,
with gold bellows.
Flame rembers.

Even the smallest light,
can seem to bright.
To people living in the darkness.



That is a bit of my view right now. I am tried and sort of depressed. I was doing really well untill this weekend hit. I went to a party it was fun, till alchol got there. Then it went down really fast as people started to get drunk. Ended up Allie was told off my Wade, and well that ended badly and Molly and I had to sit with her till 4 in the morning while she through up it all. And I had to carry her back to her own dorm. I ended up not getting to bed till like 5 in the morning. Ewwww. . . . anyway, yeah bascially I have to get my head back in the game as my dad would say. Okay here I go . ... lifting my spirits againt. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I just realized. . .

that some of my expectations are a little bit much. No joke you want to know what just ran through my head. I actually thought this. I was wondering about the world and how it was just moving way to fast and that I was starting to lose my balance. I actually though why can't I just stop the world. Then it would make that much more sense. But I wasn't actually thinking metaphorically. I really for a second thought that I could stop the world. Then I was like wait. . . I can't do that. But the simple fact that I thought that, made me think even more. Do I hold to to stong of values? Have I really set the bar to high for people? Is that why . . . . I always seem to compisating for where other people fail. Okay so like this all came to me a few days ago. I was reading this book and it helped me find a part of me or atleast explian why I do what I do. So the topic was respect. It was odd to read about it because the book explained it in a maner of why should anyone have to earn your respect because having to earn it emplies that it has worth. Something that is attuned to being better then theirs. So this also got me thinking about just giving people respect in every form or maner. I do that I said to myself. I really do but to gain my friendship they have to earn a higher level of respect right? So I was wondering if I just gave respect to everyone would it be better. So I am trying this out even more so then now. I think it might work. I really do. But again their was a flip side to this also. It means that people have to lose my respect also, and that I have to give them a fighting chance to do so. This came into play this weekend. Okay so you know Lindsey, Hilde's roommate, well we settled on the fact that she would ask me to leave if she ever had to roll, smoke or take out in anyway her pot in her room if I was there. We never had a single problem with this. One time I left as she was about to ask and she was like ohh yeah. . . sorry. And I left. What ever. But it happened again but now with my different take on values it change the ideals. So I waited and waited and even looked at her the whole time she was doing it and she laughed at me when I was looking at her. And she continued. . . . well anyway she never once said anything. . . and I resisted leaving to make sure that I gave her a fighting chance. But that was even the first straw that she pulled aginst me. I was looking at Hilde and just thinking about her and who she is and she took it as she shouldn't be drinking. Well, she wasn't drinking much so I was actually okay with it. But Lindsey tried to step in and tell that I shouldn't moniter her drinking and that she is a big girl and can take care of herself. Well first off I know all that, but it because I care that I want to make sure she doesn't go to far. Well anyway she stepped over the line with me telling me how to care for my friends. Then she challenged my very basic morals of that I will not drink and that I can't control everything. She was liek things are going to happen if they are going to happen. She basically slapped me in the face telling me that I can't change the world. I responded by saying that I can always try and hope for the best though. . . that made her shut up. I suspect that the only reason that she tries to bring me down is because I am someone that won't be brought down to her level. She is one of those people. That would make others fall then try herself. She could do so much better I think. And she is smart enough to actually try to pull me down. What I mean is that she is one of those people that is a social climber and is contious of trying to pull me down. Anyway, so I told Hilde about the whole pot rolling thing after she left to go do the deed and she said that she would talk to her and that she understood my point of view compleatly. For all the faults Hilde has I believe she atleast has a very strong sense of honor and pride. Anyway so the next day we were sitting in her room and we were just talking, I still have to be civil to her because she is hilde's roommate, and well she farted and just laughed at it. Well a few min later I burp. She turns to me in the most serious maner says to me . . . that is really rude of you and will you leave the next time you do that. I was flabbergasted. Even Hilde let her jaw drop. I was just like what ever. But Hilde is going to talk to her about this whole thing because it kind of silly. So all in all she was the first person to lose my respect. Ohh well right. Not a very big lose in my book. Woot woot. . . .

So anyway, loves you all and I am no longer homesick. It was just a minor bumb in the path that shook me more then it should have. I am also finding more friends I think. LOVES

Troubles

I am really sort of homesick right now. I don't know why. I wasn't befor. Well I was but I was able to deal with it. But I guess that is what happens when you let things build up. They eventually overcome you. I think that is what I have let happen. I am just tired and sad. I really sort of want to cry but I can't because I don't want to. It would show a weakness that I can't afford right now. Or atleast it would be a weakness to me right now. I am a total hippocrite. I was just telling Hilde that she shouldn't hold things in about missing her family and she should just bear her heart. I told her to let herself cry and she did and she is better now. Yet here I am on the verge of a brake down and I can't let it happen. To breakdown is bad because it would me that I wasn't good enough and crying would be silly because it had to happen and I had to leave. I should just get over it. OMG I can't listen to myself. I have no clue what I am doing right now. I have lost the path that is me. I knew who I was and what I wanted. I am still that same person. . . but I have been so focused on trying to help other people that I have forgotten myself behind them. I don't know what to say to myself. If I was any sort of intelligent I would let myself feel again and get over it in time. After it does take time to heal all wounds. But I don't want to hurt right now. I am just so tired. So the conclusion to my ramblings is that I am going to go and just think for a bit. . . . about everything and fix this little problem that seems to be causeing so me so much pain. Wow now only if I would listen to what I am saying to myself. . . I am my own worst enemy.

The song

This is me not wanting to do my homework. So I will write a blog about things instead. BRB my sister just got on-line and I miss her. Okay now that I can talk, lets talk about what has been happening to me because I think I have reached a change. No I don't think I have. . . I know that is what has happened to me. So I told you that I found a part of my song. It was odd. I was in an odd mood in general and well I felt sort of epic is the only way to put it. I felt like nothing was going to stop me. Nothing was ever going to hold me back again. It was a very good feeling. I felt confident. Anyway then I started talking with this guy Wade that I know and I told him I all I knew about him from his song and he was sort of freaked out and I could tell a bit hurt from it. But he was glad that I told him how it was. He is that kind of guy. Anyway, and then I had a talk with Chelsey and it just sort of hit me. It was crazy. I heard it. Loud and clear. It was also partly from the music I was listening to. It was very emotional music. Well that combination of things triggered my song. I wasn't listening and it happened. It was crazy. It is still blowing my mind. Anyway.

So anyway it had more to do with my mood of thought then anything. I desribed once that the way I think was sort of a big black room with things flouting by that I can grab at and use or things that I can't. Well this song brought it all into focus. It was like I finally put glasses on. It was odd. The room became a huge dome place. It is indoors but outdoors at the same time. It is inclosed but there is wind, grass, trees, and it is all open. It is a feild. It is dark for sure. You can see the stars. They are sparkling and twinkling all the time. But it is odd you can make these stars in the sky come as close or as far away as you want. Everything I will ever need is there but it is choosing the right one to look at is the hardest part. You can see whole galaxies, commets, plantes. . . everything. It is all grander then life and it the very fabic of it. It grand and huge. But you feel safe here. It is the place that is met to me. That is a really poor expination of what I see and it doesn't give off all the right feelings. You can just lay back, fall asleep, laugh, and just be safe and do as you place. It is a really nice feeling. It is comfort.

There is just so much that I want to say about it. . . . but I can't right now I am talking with my sister still and well she is bringing things up that are hard to swollow about how much I am changing. It hurts. I don't want to change. It hurts. Anyway. . . . I have to be gone. Homework to do and people to help. love

Odd

I found a third part to my song. I think I finally see what everyone else sees in me. I will elaborate later. Woot woot.

The world is happy or atleast it should be.

Hello dearlings. How is everyone? I feel bad because I had an amazing day yesterday and didn't really get to share the amazingness with anyone. It is sort of sad, but okay anyway. So I guess I will elaborate on the amazingness. I don't know my classes are going to be really easy. My chem class is stuff that I have already learned because I dropped down into the easier stuff. It is okay though because it is the stuff that I need to be learning. Woot woot. Then my Calculus is going to be really easy and such. I can't wait. Then I was stressing about not being able to get in to the top undergraduate choir here. I was afraid and nervouse and ended up getting in to the choir. It was fun. It was crazy singing with a choir that was actually a choir. Omgosh the sound was amazing. It sounded like music. It was a bit strong for my taste and I like the the sound of a soft choir. But it is all good. I am just glad that I get to add to the sound. Be able to say that I am part of it. Woot woot. Next the most random and sort of amazing thing happened to me. I was walking down the hall to go get food or something and I was walking behind this guy. I cought him catching a glance at me but I didn't really see his face. I walk for a little bit longer but his song sounded VERY familiar. It was going to drive me nuts. Then I figured out who it was. I chuckled and was like Jon Mears? He turned around and said hi. It was crazy seeing him. He has changed a LOT!!!! Anyone looking at him now will think GAY!!! No joke. He had a strut also. It was really funny. He looked good but kind of slutty also. It was odd. I was sort of baffaled by him. Anyway the conversation lasted for a few min because he had to go some were. Nextly I went on a walk with Hilde to go get books. The grand total was 418. It was crazy. And that was buying one of them used. One I tried to buy used but they didn't have any. It was sad. It wasn't amazing spending money but it was fun to talk with Hilde. I feel bad for her. She isn't going to have a very good quarter. She is trying to fill her days with tons of things to do and to meet people. When she SHOULD be sleeping and trying to STUDY like she said she would. She is crazy but it is all good. Ohh well. .. . she will see eventually. Woot woot. Anyway it was a really amazing day yesterday and today was good also. I went to the gym and it was actually fun to work out. Ohhh man I think the world is starting to look up again. Woot woot.

Kim. .. . I LOVE YOU!!!!

Well here I am again once again and I am going to bleed my heart to the world. You don't really have to listen at all babes. I am just writing this to write right now. I need to get some things out of my mind and I think that you Kim my dear can help me the most right now. I am weary. So tired. I am living a meaningless existance. I don't have anything to live for right now. I am not saying ANYTHING about suicide but I am wondering where I heading and what my meaning is in life. You know what the sad part is though I KNOW what it is that I have to do. I am just . . . . well scared. . . . petrifired. . . . to prideful. . . . . I have errored. I know that I have. I need to trun to God. I KNOW that is what I need to get on with my life. Everytime I look in myself I see the cloth and it is so black right now. That is all I can see. It hurts to see that I have let myself get this bad. I am not humble.. . . . kind. . . forgiving . . . I am nothing. I am everything that I don't want to be. I started to take pride in what people told me was good about me and now I am lost. Because in finally believing what people told me about myself I took it for granted. I am lost. I need God and I know he is right there. I can feel him with his hand on my shoulder. I know that he is right there. I can feel him but for some reason I am finding it REALLY hard to look at him. I can just turn around and surrender myself to him again. I don't know why and it is making me sad. I will get there with some time I know this with all my heart. I just want it so bad. I don't know . . . . I feel like I have wronged him and in doing so he is still willing to love me but I don't feel like I should take it. Mostly because I don't love myself right now. WOW. . .. . hummmm. . . anyway. So that is what I am talking about right now.

There are other things going on right now also. It doesn't take that much to read to far into me. I don't know. I am angry at the world because they are not seeing the world through my eyes right now and not being hurt by it. I see the world as a crul place with hurt and pain. The world is opened up to me now that I can see all the bad things also. I used to be very good at only seeing the good things. Not taking notice of the bad things and not letting them getting to me. I don't know, a rock can only stay a rock so long as the waves don't beat against it. I don't know.

I got into a fight with my dad last night. He was telling me to do something a way I didn't want to. I was being stubborn and not doing it his way. I ended up at the same place but in a different manner. I wanted to prove to him that I didn't need to have him to tell me to do something. I needed to show him that he can't control me anymore. Then he got mad at me. And I feel bad because it did open his eyes. It made him see that I was capable. Then he gave me a bunch of resemes to look over (that is what we were arguing about). I had to pick out the ones that I thought would do the best job. I picked the ones that he thought were good also. He saw that I can make good choices. I showed him that I was able to make good adult choices. Choices that HE would have made. It changed his views of me. It was for the better I think. It still feels odd.

Today though I got into an argument with my mom. I went shopping with her. I don't want to go into detail because it makes me sad to say this next part. I don't like the person my mom is. She isn't the person I thought she was. I really did see her as a kind, giving, happy person. She really isn't all all. She gossips like crazy, stabs people in the back, lazy, pushy to people that she can be pushy with because she is pushed around, and all of this is just a surface. She doesn't really have any depth. For years she has just flouted on by, she has no depth. I don't like the person my mom is. I can get along with her, but I don't have to like her. And that is what makes me sad. The fact that I can say that and not feel anything hint of lie in myself. I see that now but I wish it was different. My dad is sort of shallow also, but in a different sense. He is shallow because he lets no one see into the depths. I can see there is more to everything but like glass you can't go through it.

Anyway, so now that I have realized that I love my parents to death, but don't really have anything in relation to them it makes me sad. I don't know I keep getting this dropping feeling in my stomach. It is making me sick. I hate this. Why can't things just go back to the way they were. I was happy there, but not truely happy I guess. I lived in a make believe world. My dad was right then. Saying that I was in for a rude awaking to the world. Well I just woke up and I want to go back to sleep already. I don't like the world I live in and I want to change it and the first way I have to this is to change the person that I am. Anyway, so I am done now and I know what I have to do. Thank you Kim and your guidance.