Bonsi twisting.

I really want to right something. It is on the tip of my tonuge like always. A thought that doesn't quite want to come out. I swear if my thoughts had to be put into a physical form, they would be fruit. You have to wait till the right time to pick them. If you don't pick them at the right time they fall away and then seed for new thoughts. Or adversly, if you pick them too soon, they don't taste good and don't really make sense. That is actually a very good annlogy I think. You have to do the right about of thinking and pondering to beable to make sense of somethings.

So what shall I talk about instead. I think I will talk about annoying people. Not other people that I think are annoying. But like what I am doing, and how I can become annoying. Because I realized that I am not a very nice person, and I gossip way to much. I also put people down that I don't even know. That isn't a very good quality. I noticed that, when I see even the smallest imperfection in someone I have a tendancy to think about it or even mention it. Sometimes I don't really know why I don't like someone and then I analyze everything I can about them. I don't like that i do that. . . it isn't nice. I need to stop that habit and think nice of people. I guess that I really am starting to become jaded. I feared that I would like everyone actually hoped and said that I would. Maybe it is because I am finally starting to see that yeah, there is a lot on me. . . .and I don't want to bear that responibility. . . . but knowing that I have to.

So I guess I should just get stuff off my chest. I am really stressed out about my parents. I need a job and need money like crazy. I hate to ask my parents for money. They don't see where it goes and don't trust me when I say that I am being frugal with it. My mom gave me 1000 about a month befor school ended. 900 of that was to go to rent and people that helped with it because I wasn't in on the original deal. That left me with 100 for food for a month. Because my dining acount ran out. I can't quite do that so I told me mom to put money on my account so that I could eat. Right . . . my mom isn't the most swift with that sort of stuff. She was being lathagic and she was sick so I can't blame her to much. I would have asked my dad. . . . but my mom is the one that controls my account. So I couldn't ask him. Well so a month goes by and I end up paying one of my friends 300 so I am down to 700 but int he month of being at school with no dining accont I have 500 left and tell my friends that I will pay them back later. Thinking that I will make money this summer. Nope . . . couldn't get a job. Not for the life of me. Yet in the begining of summer my mom makes me go out and get things for her. With the money she gave me. . . . and the random small things that I have done. Like a movie here or there. I think a total of three. I haven't even gone out to diner or anything. I spent money on a gym membership and that was 150 or so added up. But that added to the wireless router that I had to get my mom which was 150 also. . . .yeah. .. . . .it all goes really fast. Yet they get mad at me for spending money!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. .. . .Yet I have been stupid with my money . . . . . . I have really tired to get a job so that I can pay for the dept that I have piled up. I own money to tia for the ticket . . . and I wish that I hadn't gone sort of because it really did cause a bunch of things to snowball. . . My parents are giving me the talk of your friends are going to drop you the second they figure out that you are nothing more then a deadbeat that just takes and takes. .. . they really said that. They are also starting to compare me to my cousin Danieal. He is the one that still lives at home, doens't have a daploma, no job, takes, takes, drinks, and smokes pot all day. They are actually compareing my to him. Ouch. .. but I guess I can't really say anything bad about him because of what i said before. . . .and then there is the worst part. I am actually messing with my moms credit. I basically have shit for credit now because I have over drafted 3 times this year, and the bank finally closed my account with them so now I have to pay them 34.92 which my parents wont give me. So I am sort of up the creek without a paddel. And now people want me to go to silverwood with the no money that I already don't have. . .and I am working for it from my dad. . . . but I might just use that money instead to get myself set on the right path once again. All I really need is to have my accont and my money to deal with. Not rely on people over 200 miles away for my money, that really isn't mine and that I feel EXTREAMLY guilty for asking for money. When it is mine I know exactly what I can't and can do with it. . . . AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. . . stress stress stress.

To top it all off . . everyone is leaving. . . . I feel guilty because I learned things about myself that I didn't want to. .. but needed to know but still wish that I didnt' have to find out. I am learning a bunch of hard lessons right now and I don't like it. and I think I am starting to annoy people with my trying to be happy and put on a happy face instead of just putting it all down. I feel like I am the wooden self I am, but like forces that I can't control are wrapping iron wire around me and molding me to how they want me to be. I dont' get a choice in the mater about how I want to grow. .. . . AHHHHHHHHHHHH. . . . but you know what it is all good. I will figure things out in the end. . ..because we all know that I will. I am Branden after all. I can take anything on and get out on the otherside. . . . however how bowed I might be this time I am not to sure.