Kim. .. . I LOVE YOU!!!!

Well here I am again once again and I am going to bleed my heart to the world. You don't really have to listen at all babes. I am just writing this to write right now. I need to get some things out of my mind and I think that you Kim my dear can help me the most right now. I am weary. So tired. I am living a meaningless existance. I don't have anything to live for right now. I am not saying ANYTHING about suicide but I am wondering where I heading and what my meaning is in life. You know what the sad part is though I KNOW what it is that I have to do. I am just . . . . well scared. . . . petrifired. . . . to prideful. . . . . I have errored. I know that I have. I need to trun to God. I KNOW that is what I need to get on with my life. Everytime I look in myself I see the cloth and it is so black right now. That is all I can see. It hurts to see that I have let myself get this bad. I am not humble.. . . . kind. . . forgiving . . . I am nothing. I am everything that I don't want to be. I started to take pride in what people told me was good about me and now I am lost. Because in finally believing what people told me about myself I took it for granted. I am lost. I need God and I know he is right there. I can feel him with his hand on my shoulder. I know that he is right there. I can feel him but for some reason I am finding it REALLY hard to look at him. I can just turn around and surrender myself to him again. I don't know why and it is making me sad. I will get there with some time I know this with all my heart. I just want it so bad. I don't know . . . . I feel like I have wronged him and in doing so he is still willing to love me but I don't feel like I should take it. Mostly because I don't love myself right now. WOW. . .. . hummmm. . . anyway. So that is what I am talking about right now.

There are other things going on right now also. It doesn't take that much to read to far into me. I don't know. I am angry at the world because they are not seeing the world through my eyes right now and not being hurt by it. I see the world as a crul place with hurt and pain. The world is opened up to me now that I can see all the bad things also. I used to be very good at only seeing the good things. Not taking notice of the bad things and not letting them getting to me. I don't know, a rock can only stay a rock so long as the waves don't beat against it. I don't know.

I got into a fight with my dad last night. He was telling me to do something a way I didn't want to. I was being stubborn and not doing it his way. I ended up at the same place but in a different manner. I wanted to prove to him that I didn't need to have him to tell me to do something. I needed to show him that he can't control me anymore. Then he got mad at me. And I feel bad because it did open his eyes. It made him see that I was capable. Then he gave me a bunch of resemes to look over (that is what we were arguing about). I had to pick out the ones that I thought would do the best job. I picked the ones that he thought were good also. He saw that I can make good choices. I showed him that I was able to make good adult choices. Choices that HE would have made. It changed his views of me. It was for the better I think. It still feels odd.

Today though I got into an argument with my mom. I went shopping with her. I don't want to go into detail because it makes me sad to say this next part. I don't like the person my mom is. She isn't the person I thought she was. I really did see her as a kind, giving, happy person. She really isn't all all. She gossips like crazy, stabs people in the back, lazy, pushy to people that she can be pushy with because she is pushed around, and all of this is just a surface. She doesn't really have any depth. For years she has just flouted on by, she has no depth. I don't like the person my mom is. I can get along with her, but I don't have to like her. And that is what makes me sad. The fact that I can say that and not feel anything hint of lie in myself. I see that now but I wish it was different. My dad is sort of shallow also, but in a different sense. He is shallow because he lets no one see into the depths. I can see there is more to everything but like glass you can't go through it.

Anyway, so now that I have realized that I love my parents to death, but don't really have anything in relation to them it makes me sad. I don't know I keep getting this dropping feeling in my stomach. It is making me sick. I hate this. Why can't things just go back to the way they were. I was happy there, but not truely happy I guess. I lived in a make believe world. My dad was right then. Saying that I was in for a rude awaking to the world. Well I just woke up and I want to go back to sleep already. I don't like the world I live in and I want to change it and the first way I have to this is to change the person that I am. Anyway, so I am done now and I know what I have to do. Thank you Kim and your guidance.