Midnight Rambles

This is just another of my . . . rants/thoughts . . . so you have been warned.

I don't really know what I want to talk about right now. I am a mood right now. A good, thankful, happy, sad, mood. Mostly I am sad because I am happy. Wow that sounds really messed up. I don't know I am sad because I am so happy when others are not. I am really effected by the people around me. And EVERYONE is unhappy and miserable. I am not at all. I am happy to be just where I am. Once again I see people falling all around me and yet like always I stay. I don't know I saw people flare at the beggining of college and that got me down sort of. But now that I am up to where they are they are falling down. It makes me sad that they couldn't be where I am right now in this moment in time. They stress and worry about mundain things that in the grander scheme of things doesn't really matter to me. The world is so much bigger then how you did on your math final, or chem final, or any final. They don't really matter, other then face value, do they. Granted they help define, but it isn't the deffintion. You can't tell a dimonds shape and color, but looking at just the casing. There is so much more to people then they will ever know even about themselves and that makes me sad that they don't see there worth.

That thought and idea has been getting to me a lot lately. The thought that peole worry about the sillyest of small things. People have this need to define every single little aspect of there lives to help them make it threw one more day. My question is, why live for just one more day, when you have a life to lead?

I wonder why people commit murder, steal, rob, lie, and in general are just mean, and I have came to the conclusion that they did it because they got something out of it. I know that this answer seems like the obvious answer. But it wasn't to me. I wanted to believe that people could and would live for more then just there ownself. I even hate talking about this because i feel like I am surving myself but talking about a subject like this. Like I am trying to put myself on a higher pedistol then even I should be. Because I can be mean also at times. I lie, and hurt people. Sometimes I mean to, other times I don't mean to. I would like to say that I have never willfully caused pain. But some where I more then likely have. And that hurts me to think about. I wasn't thinking. So what brought this whole notion up. Well I was talking with this guy Dwayne, and well we were talking about self defence. About weither or not if we could kill someone if it was between yourself or the other? I couldn't give an answer.

I have often thought about just that. About if I could act when I needed to. I have run threw senerious where some masked gunman run a raid on a school and what i would do to stop it. I would like to think that I would be the hero of the school and try to save people. And I would do just that. I look back at all my dreams of being a hero and I never killed the murder of bad guy. I always uncounsiouly desided that I would just lame him or her. I don't think I could ever kill someone. If it was me and just one other people in a fight, I still wouldn't beable to do it. It is odd to think that. That a strangers life, a "bad" persons life, more important to me then even my own. That is what I was wondering. Because everyone else I have asked would take the others life. And they tell me that I would think differently if I was actually faced with the choice, and I don't think I would. I really don't think I would.

Does that make me better in anyway. That life should mean more to me then living?

I don't understand it. I can't come to the conclusion of this delema because I don't think I will ever be put to the test. And I really hope that I never will be, because that would mean that I will be faced with something evil. I honest to God hope I never have to be put in a choice. My heart goes out to all those people that have ever had to chose, or saw a choice. I am having a hard time just thinking about the implications of such an action, without ever haveing lived it.

So now that I got that out for a little bit of thought. I wonder how people wonder and worry about a math test when in reality those are not the tests that you should be worrying about. You should worry about how you would act. What defines the dimond that is you. The moral fiber. Is it gosimer, is it steel, or is it a mix? Can anyone tell that I have been doing a little bit of soul searching?

The thing about this school is that it has opened doors that were never even existant before when I lived in the Tri-cities. A city makes you see all that is possible in a more defined an clear way.

You all thought that I saw the world differently, that I saw the bad and good and still chose to only see the good. Or atleast Tia, that is what you once said to me. And well in reality I don't think I ever really saw the bad. I mean I saw a faction of it. I really did. I will give that much, but I never saw its color, or smelled its stench, or heard its scream. And yet I keep going strong because of a strength. I want to say God is keeping me going, but I am not sure about that. I know it is made by God. I do know that, but I am not sure if it is God the person. You know what I mean. I feel like God cares about me, but that I am such a small peice of the world that I shouldn't warent his care dirrectly. I know you guys think he does, but I don't think so. I think he just gives us the tools to cope. It seems to fit so much better to me. The idea that God gave to me my ideals and personality to help me move threw the world. He gave me the strength and will to keep moving one foot infront of the other. But I can chose to not use those gifts that I am given, but I do. You know what I mean.

Kim you know how I described my mood of thought. It gets greener and greener till I get to a small white light, never seeing out of it. I think I just did. I am not sure though. Odd. I don't know what to think right now. I am done for the night. My head hurts. But I feel much better for just getting all my thoughts out of my head. Sorry, if any of this doesn't make sense of is disconcerting to you. It is purely what I have been thinking. I did warn you not to read. Loves babes.