Well, I have a bunch to say and I hate to say it. But I really should. I don't want to because I know that it will hurt you guys (maybe), but at the same time I know that it is what I need. So do I keep it boiling in and remain like his with no outlet and let you guys be happy and still think exactly the same things about me. Or do I delv deep and let out all of my fears? Which path to choose? Can't I only take one or can I let my fear excape and never actually post this? But what would that accomplish. . .
I am actually leaning away from my computer because the idea that I am actually going to say what I need to is sort of sicking to me.
Well I don't really know how to describe it at all. What I feel like I should. So lets start at the begining. Being in Seattle it is really hard to be concervative. Everyone here has had a completely opposite view on things like drugs and alcohol then what i have experianced. They don't really care and they do it. It was pounded into me that I shouldn't drink or smoke. I understand the smokeing thing completely. And I wouldn't do that just because I don't want to. I don't like the smell. But I still sort of wonder what it would feel like.
But I did go against my promise of not drinking till I turned 21. I guess that is what bothers me the most. That I didn't go through with my own plans. I know that plans change, but really I am sort of disappointed in myself. But then i wonder where I got my adversion to alcohol? Because even my own parents said that it was okay if I wanted to. I just had to be around them if I did. Regardless, the only other reason was that i like to say that I was a role model of sorts. That people looked at me and said that he was a good guy, a golden boy or sorts. Like people have never had trouble from me. I have never rebeled against anything. If I was told not to do it then I didn't. There has only been one case in which I did rebel but I don't really do that all that often anymore, and well it has lost its thirll because I know that my dreams of love and all that jazz are actually almost possible. Like I can really have a boyfriend if I wanted to. Something that fantized loses it apeal if I can actually have it.
But I wanted to rebel of sorts. . . wanted people to know that I can be more then just the shell of goodness. That I can have reasons. I don't have a clue what I am thinking or saying right now. I really don't. I don't know this feeling right now. It sort of makes me want to cry. I feel like I have let some of my friends down. Like I lost there respect. That they now would think of me less because I chose to see if I liked something. The part that scares me even more is that I actually did like it. I liked the release it gave me. I was genually happy and carefree. Sometimes I feel like I just put on a happy face for others benifit. And people ask me if I am pissed off if I not smiling. I don't even have to be unhappy, just not smiling and something is automatically wrong. I hate that!!! Do I have to happy all the time? Should I be happy. But even when I am not smiling and people ask me if I am okay, I smile and say yes i am fine and I hold a mask to my face to show them what they want, and what I want. I want them to be happy. I don't want them to worry. But really under that mask it grows angry. Why can't I just be mad sometimes? Why can't i talk about my feelings to anyone? I need my friends to be close. And I really don't want to even worry you guys at all, because then I would feel guilty becuase I am just being pissed and angry at myself!!!!! This is just my form of coping with self let down. Because I know that none of you will justify what I did. None of you would. I can't even do it to myself. I plain wanted to know what it felt like, and taste like. But what kind of justification is that? Not a good one when you consider the implications of what I did. I lost peoples respect and the golden boy image that I hated and charished!!! The golden boy has so much to hold up and it just got heavy. I hate that!!!
*sigh*
I am sorry guys. . . .can you forgive me? Then forgive me again. . . and again . . .and again? I don't want to hurt you guys by making you see less then you want to. . . . so I am sorry. For tarnishing the painting that is my mask.
But don't think that I am unhappy right now. It just makes me sad those thoughts and I am happier right now. I really am. That I got that off my chest. And there is a good guy right now that I want to see more of. Hummm. . . .anyway. . . see you guys later. . .LOVES!!! and I am sorry.
1 comment:
Ah, B, you're such a dramatic blogger.
Love, if you want my advice, sometimes thinking too much messes with your head. I've learned that pretty much every truth is simple and uncomplicated once you acknowledge it. So, stop putting your mind through the blender, find your truth, and stick with it.
And realize that we're not disappointed! It's a different emotion and it has nothing to do with you drinking (for me at least). Though, mind you, if any of you got serious about drinking I'd slap you to you saw straight. That's the least a good friend could do *grin*.
Ah, too much to communicate through one comment. It'll be so nice to be close enough to talk face to face again.
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