Shards

I hate this feeling. I am sort of stuck somewhere. It feels like I am stagnate again. I don't like this feeling. Like I have been drivin into a rut again. And am once again following life as it comes. . . down the path like always. I don't really like that path. One where I know completely what is coming. .. and I don't know what is coming. .. yet I feel like I do. Is that bad? I can't be sure. . . like I know the unknown. . . which in itself is rediculous as a thought. I don't know. . . . I guess it is just me being pessimistic about something. About things with Garrett. . .. like I actually want to date this guy. I really do. .. .but I know that it wont work. . . . well I don't know that it wont work, but I think it that wont work. . .. but what if it did. . . wow. .. . I am just being pessimistic about how every other guy i have ever liked has bailed on me. Never once. ...when I invested my heart and a bit of myself into a guy has it ever payed off. . . what should make this one different? I really don't know what should make this one different. I mean like all the guys that I have tried with well they all really like me. .. .and value my friendship but that is only after they decide that it wont work and then later on they tell me that they wish it would have. Like they see afterwards what they could have had and realize that it would have been good!! And it would have. .. sigh. .. . I just am having notioions that this will turn out just like the rest. Hummm. .. well I guess only god and time will know. I just wish that I did also. . .that way I didn't have to get my hopes up and have them shatter like a dropped mirror. Beautiful in itself the little peices . . . but not nearly as pretty as the whole picture.


. . .. only time. . . .