So I was thinking today

I don't want to make this seem like I am giving up my stances because I am not. I still feel as strongly as I do before but I have came to a revilutionary though for me. So I was thinking about the whole durg thing. I was being close minded. Not in the sense that I was close minded to the drug. Becaus I still am to the idea, but to the people that do them. I guess I sort of thought about it and I figured that if I close myself to people that do drugs then I will miss out on some really cool people. I don't have to like what they do. But then again everyone has there problems, right? I have mine and I would hate if someone said they wouldn't like me because of the simple fact that I have a flaw. Isn't that in a sort discrimination. I came to that realization and it hit me hard. So I am trying to get over that right now. It is a bit more difficult then I thought that it would be but that is okay. It will make me a better person.

On the other news. I love all my classes they are fun and I am pretty sure that I am actally going to like to learn from these people. I am totally stoked. Last night however I was hanging out in Hilde's room with her and the fire alarm goes off. Comes to find out they had to evactuat everyone because some dumb person burnt popcore. That sets off the alarms like crazy in our building. So we stood out in the cold because someone burnt popcore. It made me angry. Thankfully it wasn't raining like it is now. It is like REALLY raining here. It is crazy. Yet people are just like whatever. I am freaking out, but that is okay.

Yesterday I went and hung out with Kristina. She is doing good and all. Her house is nice. Needs work, but is nice. I think she might actually be getting on top of things. There are things there that I don't approve of but whatever I can't win them all.

Lets see the last topic I have to talk about is my love life. Which I am sad to say is still as black as it was in the TC. However, there are prospects on the way. I am not going to ruin the suprize or jump the gun right now. For now we are just going to go get some coffee, or something to eat maybe. We dont' know yet. He seems like a cool guy none the less. So yeah, that is my life as of now.

I am also starting to get a bit homesickish. This is thus the longest time I have been away from my parents. It is crazy, but hey you got to do what you got to do. Anyway, I miss you all like crazy and I CAN'T wait to see you all for thanksgiving. Dude I just realized that my birthday is in less then two weeks. Holy crap batman. That feels so odd. 19 and never been kissed. How very sad.

Smoking Pot!!!

Don't worry I didn't. If you are reading this you know that I would never do that stuff at all. I don't see the point. But being in college I am around people that do do it. And I have to get along with these people. I want to help them, but they don't want help. Because to them it isn't bad. But it is. I think it is, and it is a matter of opinion. I don't understand it and I am trying to understand it from there views. But I am just always seeing that it is just a stupid activity that can cause a lot of pain to people when they need not. I don't know the more I learn about it, the more I hate it. I don't know and it makes me angry. And there is A LOT of it in this school. I don't know how to take this part in and I don't think that I will be able to at all. So right now I am pissed off at the world and it is really annoying because I don't want to be this way. I want the world to go back to drug free. PLEASE!!!! Okay I am off to bed. My first day of school is tomarrow.

First part day!!!

Today was sort of a very crazy hyper take it all in sort of day. I wasn't really sure were to look first. Last night we stayed in a hotel in seattle which was cool but I got no sleep because my dad snores. Other then that I was fine. Then today we get up at like 7 and our day starts. It went from unloading, unpaking, eating, business, then waiting, and then more eating, and then leaving for the night.

There is just so many new things to take in. It is sort of crazy. I mean new people that have no problem about talking about smoking, drinking and sex. It is a far cry from the TC. So I am learning to cope with everything. You know me though, take everything in stride till I get everything under my belt. I feel now that I can truely get taken under the waves here, and I am determinded to not let myself do that. So I am making an voe of sorts. Woot woot. I am so happy though that I am here. I just can't wait till I know atleast one face in the croud. I know that I will once school gets to starting. I am just you know crazy . . . perspeptive right now I guess. I don't think that is the right word but all the same I guess.

The Blender!!!

That is what my mind and emotions have been lately. I am trying to force togeather past and future into a mix that will never work. It is sad, yet I am still trying. Kind of actually like the whole two magnits togeather. Old habits and friends, with clean one and new friends. I am starting to find the mix. But gosh darn it is difficult. But I am happy to report that I don't seem to be needing my habit right now. Mostly because I am telling myself that I don't need it and I am starting to believe it. I told my mom about it and I explained it to her and she understood. Well not really understood, but saw through my eyes. It was nice and didn't make me feel bad about it and that was what broke it. I found that I was doing it because it was MY form of disobediance. It was odd to realize that. It was good for me and it has helped me a lot. I feel good. I feel cleaner then I have all summer and it is nice. I am happy and confused though. I am scared to head off to college. My roommate seems like a really cool guy. I told him I was gay and everything. He is Christian. We are stoked because we are both calm guy and we will more then likely get along fine. I am stoked for that. But I really don't want to leave my friends behind. It was good that I was left basically alone for this last month (minus Chelsey). Because it gave me time to move into the whole not being around people I am 100% comfortable with all the time. It was what I am pretty sure I would have needed. I also has made me want to leave that much sooner because of the lack of social intereaction around here. I am also really sad to see my sister go. I am going to miss her like the desert misses the rain. I will wish and pray for her more then anything else. I hope she will make the good choices. I have given to her all that I can and taught her everything that I know about what it is to be a good person. I think she is finally starting to understand that. That is partly because of her boyfriend. He is a really good guy and even more solid then I am. A very good guy. So trying to cope with all this at the same time and pack is starting to short circet my brain, but it is what I need no doubt. I am just ready to leave and be on. I am starting to see the bright light for all those that know that way I think. I haven't seen it in a very long time. It feels great. SO I am going to go and revil in it. Woot woot.

How does music happen!!!

No really, I mean what makes it. Yes you can say that vibrations and such. But that isn't music for all those that really KNOW music now is it. Music is emotion in physical form, is it? Well anyway, something prompted me to write about music. In haveing always heard songs in my life, I can never once, not a SINGLE time remember a persons song actually haveing a voice. I have never got that once. Till yesterday. It was the oddest sensation. Hearing someone sing in the middle of a croud, that no one else could hear. Yet I knew that it was in my head at the same time. Like someone wispering in my ear. It was strange. It was freaking me out till I figured out where it was coming from. It was coming from either the old lady or the old man that was sitting one table away from us at Hubby's Pizza. It was a woman singing so I guess that it was the old lady. But I couldn't shake it for being the man also. It was odd. So I wonder what that means. I mean I kept on looking at them and the woman noticed that I kept looking at them. She smiled. I wonder if the reason there was a voice and why I couldn't tell them apart was because that was TRUE and honest to God love. But that is immpossible because that would mean I have never heard true love once before. Which I truely doubt. So I was wondering. What does it mean. Maybe I am just being overly thinking. It was just strange. The song was like if you can grasp this a cross between Opera and a old irish lullabye. It was loud and soft. It was odd. I guess that makes sense because it was well what feels like one in a million. Yeah, just had to get that out there because it was the oddest sensation.

Return to me

So today I come to you in a sort of odd mood to say the least. I am sort of trying to stop bad habits. I am actually self disturctive if you didn't know. Just know that it is something that I have been trying to get over. And I am actually recommiting myself to my purpose. I was sort of strayed along a bad path recently, but I just litterally seconds ago chose to wash my hands of it. I want to badly. So this is my affrimation of getting rid of it even though I may lie know that it is something that is going to be riding on my mind for a bit. So be pacient with my attitude if I have one. Know that it isn't because of you. Mostly this is for your benifit Chelsey because you are thus far the only one that knows about this blog. Woot woot. Yeah, so there was that and I am getting an odd notion for some reason. I am sort of getting all tingly all over. It is odd and I am sort of scared not going to lie. Because this usually only happens when I know that God is with me. Last time it happened was when I was in confirmation. However I am reading the Left Behind Serises. Which is actually making me want to read the bible. Which is saying a lot from me. And that alone is amazing. But most of all it has made me see things. The more I read it the more I come to an understanding of where I am with God. I am seeing that I can devote myself more to him in small ways. He knows that I love him. I know that I do also. I was thinking about it. And by thinking you have to understand that is it more of prayer I guess. I guess I have been able to see the bad side this whole time. But I never really have let go of God on the other side. I see two sides. The red and the white. I don't see the devil as black, I see him as red. Or atleast the part that I know of him. I know he is black in the worst parts, but I don't know those parts. I think that is partly due to the fact that God has protected me and I have helped myself. I don't really knwo what I am trying to say, but basically I know now that I have turned my back on God without letting go compleatly. Like a passing thought more or less. I have choosen to bring him more to the forfront. If you haven't noticed, but I have been trying to change myself. Because I found that I wasn't like who I used to be and I wasn't being my true self. I hated that about me. So I am also bring him closer to me. I don't blame people for leading me off the path of myself but I know that some people did that to me. So I am reclaming the old me regardless. So here I come no in the brilliant blinding flash or anything but more of the slowly growing tree that I used to be. Yeah, that was metiphroical Chelsey. Loves you babe. woot woot. And now I feel just a little bit more compleate.