The Blender!!!

That is what my mind and emotions have been lately. I am trying to force togeather past and future into a mix that will never work. It is sad, yet I am still trying. Kind of actually like the whole two magnits togeather. Old habits and friends, with clean one and new friends. I am starting to find the mix. But gosh darn it is difficult. But I am happy to report that I don't seem to be needing my habit right now. Mostly because I am telling myself that I don't need it and I am starting to believe it. I told my mom about it and I explained it to her and she understood. Well not really understood, but saw through my eyes. It was nice and didn't make me feel bad about it and that was what broke it. I found that I was doing it because it was MY form of disobediance. It was odd to realize that. It was good for me and it has helped me a lot. I feel good. I feel cleaner then I have all summer and it is nice. I am happy and confused though. I am scared to head off to college. My roommate seems like a really cool guy. I told him I was gay and everything. He is Christian. We are stoked because we are both calm guy and we will more then likely get along fine. I am stoked for that. But I really don't want to leave my friends behind. It was good that I was left basically alone for this last month (minus Chelsey). Because it gave me time to move into the whole not being around people I am 100% comfortable with all the time. It was what I am pretty sure I would have needed. I also has made me want to leave that much sooner because of the lack of social intereaction around here. I am also really sad to see my sister go. I am going to miss her like the desert misses the rain. I will wish and pray for her more then anything else. I hope she will make the good choices. I have given to her all that I can and taught her everything that I know about what it is to be a good person. I think she is finally starting to understand that. That is partly because of her boyfriend. He is a really good guy and even more solid then I am. A very good guy. So trying to cope with all this at the same time and pack is starting to short circet my brain, but it is what I need no doubt. I am just ready to leave and be on. I am starting to see the bright light for all those that know that way I think. I haven't seen it in a very long time. It feels great. SO I am going to go and revil in it. Woot woot.