Sleep be is my for good. . . X )

Yeah that is about the function of my brain right now. I want to be home. I am sort of homesickish. And Kim I have been looking for that movie The Fountian, because it actually does sound like something right up my ally. However, this seems to be more of a challenge then I thouht that it would be. Ohh well right. It is all good. No worries. All things happen in the end.

So I have been sort of soul searching for a bit. I don't really know what I do and don't want anymore. I want a guy. I really do, but is that what I really want? Do I want love really? Is that what I need in my life? Or is it that i want to give love? Because I know that is what I want. I was examining my liking of Dwayne and came to the conclusion that there was no chemisty between the two of us. There was a lot fo sexual chemistry, but nothing more. Is that really all I want though? Just sex? That doesn't register in my own head even. Because I know that isn't what I want. I want someone to talk to. Someone that I can be myself with no matter what.

Zach spent the night in my room last night. And well I think he saw bit into my personage. I tried to explain the group dynamics of Hilde, Tia, Mandy and I. I said that is was corrny but the best way to desribe it was with the four elements. He guessed automatically that Mandy was the fire. Hahaha. . . then then I told him Tia was air. He asked why. I said because she is refreashing, light, and well airy. Not in a bad way though. She just is, and it is to the brightest element which she is also. Then he asked if I was water. I told him no, and that that was Hilde's. Because she bends to people. Wraps around them and comfortas them. Then he said that it didn't make sense that I was earth because he thinks that is a lot like me. I told him that he didn't know me well enough. He knows that I listen to people, but he doens't know that I can be stobborn at times. But I didn't really give in a good complete picture of why I am. I should have told him it is because I am dependable or strong or something. Hummm. . . but then I tried to give him other information about why and how I listen. I don't know I wanted him to see the real me for some reason. I feel like he doesn't think very highly of me at times. Like I am just this fluffy brainless drone that does good just because it is all he knows. That I help people for shallow reasons. And maybe I do. But I don't think so. He didn't see who I was and what I came from to get a full apprication of what I have become. I don't know it is interesting. To know that I can come off like that. I guess it is because I haven't had long talks with him. . . .

You know I do talk best in the dark. When the lights are low and you can't see the persons face. When you can wrap them in words and spin a blanket of letters, and when it is one on one. I don't have much time with people here at a one on one. Which is I think a good reason as to why I have held this silly facade up all year. Afaid to let people in like always i would think. I don't know why. I shouldn't be. But I hate having to try and get people acclimated to me. Because it is the truth. To get a full understanding of me you really do have to go though a process. Hummm. . . it is odd. . . ohh well I guess I will just have to build and make time for more one on ones. Yup yup.

We are singing with the Seattle Symphony again and it will be really cool. We had a dress rehearsal today. It was fun. But long ohh well. We are singing the genisis suite. Last and only time it was preformed was in like 1941 or 1951. . . don't remember. This is the second preformance of the peice in history, and I get to be part of it. . . crazy thought huh. Anyway babes, I can't wait to be home. Loves!! I have some more thinking to do.